Monday, December 20th, 2010
SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ —The unfortunate, yet well-anticipated fate of one of the nation’s most popular TV shows has been announced, and it is doubtful America will ever be the same. Producers of MTV’s top reality show Jersey Shore declared yesterday the show cannot continue now that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration banned the popular caffeine-laden alcohol drink “Four Loko.”
Now that the cast is without a sugar-saturated, high-alcohol, carbonated drink with enough caffeine to fell a herd of elephants, say sources, no one in the cast has been horny or angry –thus depriving the show of the raunchy grit for which it has become infamous. There is not enough unseen footage remaining to complete even half of the 2011 season, claim sources.
According to Jersey Shore co-producer Jen Faison, creators have been scrambling for weeks to entice the cast to become sexually aroused or get into a fight, but without Four Loko, all attempts have proved hopeless. “It’s been about a month since (Four Loko’s) ban and no one has been horny or unreasonably pissed off yet,” Faison said to TMZ over the weekend. “We have tried massive testosterone injections and cocaine-laced Tequila, but nothing works. Last week some jerk was hitting on Snooki in a nightclub, but all she wanted to do was talk about Frederick Nietzsche. We were expecting Ronnie to step in and punch the guy, but he refused to move from the bar’s corner, engrossed in the latest Atlantic Monthly. It was sad, just sad.”
The cast of young, dysgenic Italian stereotypes along New Jersey’s northern beaches have rocketed to world fame as camera crews have recorded their classless, drunken exploits. Until now caffeine-laden drinks like Four Loko, CORE High Gravity and Sparks were the driving forces behind the casual sex and rage exuded by the Cro-Magnon cast. Producers admit failing to take the FDA’s threat to ban the alcoholic soft drinks seriously and stock up in advance; a failure which has proved a death sentence for the show.
“No one is having mindless sex anymore! Not one fight has broken out!” raged famed pop critic Perez Hilton to reporters over the weekend. “The cursing has almost stopped. ‘The Situation’ is now doing yoga instead of pumpin’ iron! (The cast) want to find better jobs now and read! This show is in deep trouble –it’s quickly on its way to having at least one –maybe two!– social redeeming qualities. Audiences won’t stand for that.”
According to MTV, legal preparations are currently underway to take the FDA to court over the consequent economic harm the energy-alcohol drink ban has caused the network.
MTV may not be alone. Anonymous sources from Governor Chris Christie’s office claim the entire state is also preparing to sue the federal government, as massive drops in sexual activity and violence are being reported throughout all of New Jersey, leaving some accusing the federal government of forcing the ban to either pacify the state, or gradually rid it extinct altogether through the induced lack of sexual proliferation.
“This state already looks like shit; it smells like shit; so there’s no reason its people shouldn’t be able to act like shit, too.” said an enraged NJ Lieutenant Governor Kim Guadagno via press release Sunday. Addressing the cancellation of Jersey Shore, Guadagno said the FDA should have thought about states like New Jersey, which relies on such disastrously disorienting and unhealthy beverages before it outlawed them last month.
Continued the Lt. Governor, “New Jersey is a proud state, full of proud people with no value to society at all. We’ve exhibited all of the qualities over the years which have made us one of the least desirable places to live on earth. But all of that is quickly dying without this Four Loko and similar drinks. They’ve kept this state the beacon of trashiness it is.”
Guadagno did not confirm if the state is indeed suing the federal government, but if true the emotion behind such a suit was palpable.
“I personally haven’t had sex since last month’s ban,” added the Lt. Governor. “And I haven’t (expletive)-up one bitch in a nightclub since the ban, either. I don’t know of one person in this state who’s gotten laid since they took Four Loko off the shelves; the police have no crime to fight –it’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers..! Thanks to the (FDA), New Jersey may become so unbearable those of us remaining may have to move back from whence we escaped so long ago –Utah!”