Friday, April 24th, 2015,
(HONOLULU, HI) —After years of thorough research a new study on the social and economic system of Socialism is sending shockwaves throughout the political science community and stoking the flames between the political Left and Right.
The findings of the University of Hawaii, released Thursday, found that the economic and governmental system of Socialism is overwhelmingly successful 98-percent of the time someone imagines it being so.
Conducted over a five year period, the university’s findings are also making waves within the sociological community, as well as boosting the morale of nations like Greece, Spain, Portugal, Cuba, and particularly North Korea. Adding to the study’s credibility is its source, with the University of Hawaii being a notorious bastion of conservative ideals; all the more reason to hold the study’s findings as fact, according to the director of UH’s political science department, Dr. Debora Halbert.
“There’s no ambiguity about our findings,” said Dr. Halbert Thursday, “we have proved beyond a doubt: every time someone imagines the economic system of Socialism working, it does.”
“Regardless of what time in history, too,” continued Halbert, "if someone imagined that Socialism has worked in the past, it did. If someone imagined it working currently, it does. And if a person imagined it will work in the future, it will. It’s the most amazing thing…Truly remarkable.”
The study consisted of interviewing 5000 economists and ordinary citizens around the world, from socialist and non-socialist countries alike. No matter where in the world, people realized the repeatedly attempted 200-plus-year-old social and economic system operated fairly, efficiently, and humanely nearly every time they fantasized it would.
Said Dr. Halbert, “The people in North Korea we were allowed to interview were the most enthusiastic. They not only declared their economic system the best in the world, but the best ever in the solar system.”
Also among the interviewees were Miami residents Carlos and Mira Alverez, a Cuban-born couple who “migrated” to the United States 12 years ago during a secret two-week journey in a small boat across the Straits of Florida. Still having close relatives under the ubiquitously caring eye of the Castro regime, Carlos, 45, and Mira, 40, readily espoused how well Socialism in Cuba has worked when asked to imagine it. “Si, muy bueno! Muy bueno para personas todos en Cuba!” said Mrs. Alverez to Duh Progressive Friday. “Y…ahh, si, Fidel y Raul Castro –numero uno, tambien!”
“What my wife is saying is that Socialism in Cuba has been a great success, from the very beginning,” said Mr. Alverez Friday. “The researchers in Hawaii asked us why we left in the middle of the night in a homemade chug if things were so great, and why we drifted two weeks in the ocean and lost my older brother and father to dehydration. Well, what can we say? —we just needed to tell the rest of the world how great things were in Cuba so badly, we just couldn’t contain ourselves!”
Particularly with those who still have relatives in countries like North Korea, Venezuela, and Belarus, the university's Dr. Halbert said they, above all, were the most apt to hail the collectivist economic system’s spectacular affects on their countries. “They did not have to imagine how well Socialism has benefited their native lands,” Halbert said Friday. “They swore by it, and were pleased to swear by it here in the U.S.”
With interviews also taking place on the campus itself, UH officials were pleased to report barely any deviation in the results of those asked to imagine how well the egalitarian system would work...compared to how well they imagined it would work.
“This was the easiest survey I’ve ever done,” said 19-year-old UH sophomore Theo Medhurst. They just sat me down, gave me a few textbook definitions of Socialism and asked me to think of how well it would work if applied in real life. And you know what: in my mind, it worked. Holy shit, it does!”
University researchers surveyed hundreds of economics, sociology and psychology majors on whether a system in which all citizens are equalized via uniformed reductions in material possessions, income, healthcare, physical mobility, education, etc., could succeed. Unsurprisingly, say UH officials, an overwhelming number of students responded yes; when they fantasized that it could work, it worked. “In their minds, everyone was happy and thrilled to be unable to receive or achieve more than anyone else,” said lead UH researcher Darlene DeLaet to Duh Progressive. “People loved the idea of pricing themselves out of a job, so they could share that common bind of being jobless or nearly jobless, and utterly destitute. Hence, the system works. We’re very proud, needless to say.”
“ We did have some naysayers among our campus subjects,” said DeLaet, who surveyed students across the Hawaiian campus last year. “They began to ask questions, too many questions; ‘Why would I have to work if my neighbor refuses to…?’ …‘What about the efficiency of a one-size-fits-all benefit system?’…’How will the money for this keep coming?’, 'How can this remain sustainable?', ‘What about this’ and ‘what about that…’. It was so obnoxious.”
Consequently, said DeLaet, the students who questioned the workability of the socialist system were not allowed to leave the campus testing facility until they imagined it could be an everlasting success. “They tried to leave, but we wouldn’t let them,” stated DeLaet proudly. “In fact, we had to take away their cell phones and internet access so they couldn’t reach outside the facility for other opinions.”
DeLaet said that after a few forced attempts at escape, the University had to construct a concrete wall around the building where the students were being surveyed. “We had to put up guard towers and barbed wire around the whole facility. It was quite unfortunate,” said DeLaet. “Honestly, as researchers we were open to all ideas and interpretations, which is why (the dissenting students) could not leave until they agreed with ours.”
Eventually some students did manage to bribe university guards or tunnel their way out of the testing facility, according to Director Halbert. “But we tracked most of the traitors down,” the director said Friday. “We just couldn’t let the imagining process be tainted by their pessimism. They had to be stopped…We brought them back and showed them photos of their relatives tied up and beaten. They professed to imagining the system working flawlessly after that.”
Added head researcher DeLaet Friday. “It took some time, some struggle, yes. What great strides in human evolution don’t? So in the end the study was conclusive. Who can argue with 98-percent agreement?”
UPDATE: U.S. Coast Guard personnel are continuing their search for at least 18 University of Hawaii students, who were last spotted escaping in a homemade boat, paddling out to see off the coast of Honolulu. Chinese and Cuban naval personnel are also helping the U.S. in the search for the escaping students.