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Students Now Demanding Government Pay For Their Date Rape Drugs

by Joel Legnutt, DP staff

Thursday, March 8th, 2012

(WASHINGTON) “Make no mistake, the current costs of secretly drugging a girl so you can sexually assault her limp, unconscious body are staggering!” according to fraternity members of Georgetown University, the same college as the now famous Sandra Fluke.

   Yes, first contraception, now “roofies.”

   Georgetown University’s greek community have thrown their own requests upon the already raging debate surrounding free birth control, religious freedom, reproductive rights, and sexual practices, by formally demanding Congress mandate taxpayers pick up the tab for their date rape drugs.

   The riveting congressional testimony by frat members of Georgetown’s Smegma Alpha Pi (∑A∏) and Alpha Sigma Smegma (A∑∑) adds to the controversy that began when GU law student Sandra Fluke requested Congress to force private healthcare insurers, including religious institutions like GU, to provide women free birth control, leading to the ultimate request that women’s contraception be publically funded.   Fluke added she was “going broke” from having to buy so much birth control for herself.   In response to Fluke, talk radio’s Rush Limbaugh said that any woman —particularly a law student at an expensive school like GU— who is going broke from spending so much on birth control must be a “slut,” and that wanting others to pay for her contraception makes (Fluke) a “prostitute.”   The firestorm that ensued found Limbaugh decried as a misogynist pig, and many sponsors pulling their ads from his show.

     Now the nation awaits a similar firestorm, as Georgetown SAP and ASS members jumped on the The-Public-Must-Pay-For-My-(Blank) bandwagon Thursday; belching, hiccupping, crying, and even vomiting their way through gripping testimony to the House Democratic Steering and Policy Committee on collegiate reproductive needs, claiming that roofies are a “inherent right” for college students, and begging they be provided at taxpayer expense.

     “The price of roofies has become completely unacceptable!  And we're suffering because of it.  It's a financial burden and emotional burden, and something must be done!" said weeping SAP member Morton McPherson, 21, to the committee.  McPherson, an English major at Georgetown, said the average cost of a single roofie pill has skyrocketed in recent years, leading him and fellow frat brothers now having to spend nearly $100 a week on the sure-to-get-laid/rape wonder pills.

   “And not even the same chick, either!” added McPherson as he broke down in tears.

     “Roofies” (Rohypnol), aka “date rape drug,” became prominent in U.S. pop culture during the 1990s.  Known as a surefire way to woo a young woman into a night of steamy passion and/or disappearance, the easily dissolvable pills are usually slipped into an already half-tanked female’s red plastic cup of jungle juice between 11:45 PM and 12:33 AM.  Once ingested, the female feels overwhelming intoxicated, sleepy, and eventually becomes unconscious, consequently waking up sexually assaulted or tied up and being forced to view episodes of Greatest Tank Battles on the Military Channel.

   However demented the thrill one may get from taking advantage of a girl so unconscious she can’t even control her bladder, let alone consent to sex, such a thrill not only exists, according to GU frat brothers, but has become so prevalent among male students, particularly fraternity members, that it is causing many of them to go broke from having to buy so many roofies, just as Sandra Fluke is going broke from having to buy so much birth control.

   With SAP member McPherson becoming too grief-stricken (and intoxicated) to continue his testimony Thursday, ASS brother, Anthony Vassantano, 22, took over for McPherson, explaining to the committee, “Ladies and gentlemen, roofies have become as much a rite of passage for college students as the Rio Grande has for the people who now work our summer jobs. It’s become part of college culture; of American culture; ‘roofying’ a girl has become as American as mom and apple pieTo leave young men like us penniless because of what has become a ‘rite of passage’ is inhumane, not to mention sexist.”

   Explained Vassantano, “Why sexist?  Think: why should young ‘anxious’ men have to endure listening to a woman’s endless yapping about her childhood, or friends, family, sorority sisters, or shopping, when all we have to do is simply slip a pill in her drink and BAM! –we’re through the senseless chatter and on to the point of it all.”

     Vassantano continued explaining why taxpayer funded roofie pills are a dire need for him and his frat brothers until pausing to vomit a mixture of Miller Lite, Jägermeister and Mad Dog 20/20 in front of the committee.  

     With roofie use so pervasive among U.S. colleges like Georgetown, frat members have yet to learn if their tearful pleas for taxpayer–funded date rape drugs will pull at people’s heartstrings as Sandra Fluke’s cries for free contraception did.  At Maryland’s Frostburg University, affectionately known as the “date rape capital of Appalachia,” students expressed solidarity with SAP and ASS members’ pleas to Congress, regardless of gender or fraternal affiliation.

   “It’s like, if I don’t go to a party and get ‘roofied’ I feel like nobody thinks I’m cute.  I feel like a total dork,” said Delta Delta Tau (DDT) sorority president Britanie Morris, 28, to Duh Progressive Thursday.  “So I support what the Georgia frat boys said to Obama yesterday.   Roofies are a college student’s right, and they are too expensive.   That’s why the government should pay for them. …If some boy doesn’t ‘roofie me’ at a party then I have to roofie myself.  And that’s a lot of money out of my pocket!  It’s not fair.”

 

Déjà Vu:  Limbaugh’s Criticism of College Students Once Again Hailed By the Press

   As brutally outspoken as he was with Sandra Fluke’s call for others to pay for her contraception, radio host Rush Limbaugh tore twice as hard into SAP brother McPherson and ASS brother Vassantano Thursday, calling them “inexcusable rapists,” “predators” and “criminal misogynists.”

   Declared Limbaugh: “These hoodlums think taxpayers should pay for the drugs they use to rape unconscious women?  To rape young women?!  That it’s a ‘rite of passage’…part of the ‘American college experience’?!”

   Added Limbaugh, “I call a girl a ‘slut’ for wanting someone else to pay for her birth control she says is making her go broke, but yet these bozos go to Congress and ask for public funding for… You know what, f**k it!  Mr. Snerdley, you can load my .357 now, please.  I’m done.  I mean I’m really done.”

    Limbaugh’s condemnation of the frat brothers’ has not gone unnoticed by the press.  In a rare moment of solidarity, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow praised Limbaugh during her show Thursday night, stating, “Hats off to Rush Limbaugh for condemning the idea that taxpayers pay for the drugs he had to pay for himself to get laid.”  

 

Words From a Warrior:  Sandra Fluke On the Call for Free Roofies

   From the young woman who touched off the current national fray, Sandra Fluke spoke bluntly when asked what she thought of the frat brothers’ idea of government–funded roofie handouts.

   Said Fluke to Duh Progressive Thursday, “Free roofies for all? …Do I not already need enough birth control?”

   “Roofies are a scourge upon women, to young people,” added Fluke.  “However, they have become part of the college experience, no doubt.”

   The 30-year-old law student and reproductive rights activist said that although she found the idea of young men –fraternity members or not– using date rape drugs abhorrent and criminal, she also felt embarrassed.  Admitted Fluke Thursday, “…And as horrible as ‘roofying’ someone is, I am kind of embarrassed at the same time.  No one has ever bothered to ‘roofie’ me.  Not even tried. What, am I not good enough?   Am I not ‘roofiable’?   Guess I’m just ‘irroofiable’ then, huh?”

   According to SAE (Sigma Alpha Epsilon) member and fellow law student Jared P. Nelson, 27, Fluke and he went on a date last November, where he planned to use his expensive roofies on the young activist. However the drugs were never used, at least not how he intended, said Nelson.

   “We sat down in a nice restaurant and Sandra began to talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk some more,” said Nelson to reporters Thursday.  “And she kept talking about how hard it still is for women in this country, and feminism, and social issues, and Newt Gingrich’s infidelity and conservative hypocrisy, and oh my God it was horrible..!”

   “I had these pills I was going to slip in Sandra’s wine when she wasn’t looking,” continued Nelson.  “But her talking, and talking, and complaining…!  I couldn’t take it!  Before I knew it I had taken the roofies myself and fallen out of my chair unconscious —right in the middle of the restaurant.”

   Needless to say, that was the first and last date Nelson and Fluke had; unusual for a cad such as Nelson.

   “I just couldn’t roofie Sandra,” added Nelson.  “Others..?  Yes.  But not her.  I guess even rapists have their standards.”

 
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