by Ibrahim al-Linkoln, Official Muslim Civil War Re-Enactor
Monday, January 12th, 2032,
(CLEVELAND, FORMER STATE OF OHIO) — When they are not coughing up lung tissue from the dust they must breathe in the coal mines and rock quarries, or being “corrected” by “facility administrators” (guards), or not having to carry the bodies of fellow “resort guests” (inmates) that have died from sickness and starvation to mass graves outside their “resort,” Paul Darcy, 48, and his cellmate, Robert Estevez, 50, pass the time in heated debate over whether former U.S. President Barack Obama was ever legally eligible to be president.
From their dingy, rodent‒infested cells inside Cleveland’s “Amerikansky Recreational Resort and Spa #109,” the two “guests” share their feelings, daily food rations, and their undying love of one particular issue: not whether former President Barack Obama, now 71 and living in Hawaii, was eligible to be president, but exactly how ineligible he was to be president.
“I’m telling you, there is no proof (Obama) was ever born anywhere but in Kenya,” yells an emaciated, 98-pound Estevez to Darcy during a restroom break from their forced 18-hour-a-day “contribution session” in one of the resort’s rock quarries. There are no toilets in the quarry for the bickering duo. Feces and urine from the quarries ever-growing number of guests runs in open sewers next to where “contributors” must work, however Darcy and Estevez remain unfazed.
“No, dumbass!” snaps Darcy to Estevez, “Alex Jones proved years ago Obama was born in Somalia first, then shipped to Kenya as a mole of the Muslim Brotherhood when he was three weeks old! God, wake up, man (as he splatters his and Darcy’s feet in explosive dysentery)!”
Estevez shakes his head as a camp facilitator holding a machine gun politely requests the two stop arguing and return to their “contribution efforts.” Estevez sighs in disgust, “I swear, there’s no getting through to this guy (Darcy)!”
The two men have been debating the “Obama eligibility” issue ever since Estevez’s last cellmate was summarily –although quite humanely– euthanized by resort administrators after he broke his ankle in a quarry and could no longer “contribute.” That was two months ago. Darcy was moved to Estevez’s cell the next day, and the two have not stopped squabbling since.
Darcy says his wife, Becky, is supposedly located 700 miles away near Atlanta, in “Amerikansky Resort and Spa Facility #188.” When an American couple is arrested these days they are usually given a written copy of their convictions (not charges), then separated by enormous distance; the knowledge they are so far apart reducing the drive to reunite, and so the psychological determination to attempt to take “unauthorized leave” (escape). Darcy reflects on his wife’s whereabouts, “They arrested us about a year ago, sent Becky to Georgia. And I’m here. We each have a 10 year sentence. I hope she’s okay.”
The Darcys were arrested 10 months ago on charges of “harboring an illegal substance” and “endangering humanity” after an antique incandescent light bulb from 2010, serving as a family heirloom, was discovered by police in the couple’s Indianapolis home during one of the government’s routine and unannounced “residential security inspections.” According to Darcy, his last question before his sentence –not trial, only sentence– was if Barack Obama had indeed been born in the U.S.
“I looked our judge right in the eye,” recalls a triumphant Darcy while wolfing down his last .002 ounces of bread for the day, “and I said, ‘Yeah! You can lock us up for 10 years and take our kids away! …You may take our lives, but you’ll never be able to take away our obsession over whether Barack Obama was eligible to be president!’”
As for Darcy’s wrangling cellmate, Rob Estevez was charged with tax evasion after failing to report the earnings from the lemonade stand his 8-year-old daughter ran two summers ago outside his Pittsburgh home, which earned a heaping $5.25 a day. Not only that, United State (no longer States) authorities discovered Estevez still owed 4,153% interest on the .081% in taxes he forgot to pay 28 years ago when he was working his college summer job at a now-outlawed pizzeria. Estevez still professes his innocence, saying, “If I could only get people to realize there was once a president who had a falsified birth certificate, then my 89 cents in unpaid taxes would have been paid then. Shit!”
“Resort” Birthers Not Alone In Continual Quest for Truth
Popularly termed “birthers” during the Obama administration, Estevez and Darcy are not the only resort guests still devoting every waking moment of their tortured existence to mulling over the ex-president’s birth-certificate/eligibility issue. Another of the resort’s estimated 50,000 guests, Theresa Burnett, 41, spends her time in the resort’s “feminine section” trying to convince fellow guests of the illegality of Barack Obama’s presidency.
From the resort’s soylent tofu cracker factory packaging line, Burnett is quick to inform and, if so, argue the illegitimacy of the Obama presidency to her “contributor partners.”
“I was convinced (Obama) was illegit 24 years ago and I’ll be damned if I’m going to start believing he was legit now!” proclaims Burnett, a former dental assistant who was arrested in 2025 for refusing to allow her four-year-old son to get a sex change operation. The feisty Burnett has not seen her son or husband since, and more than likely will not after the national debt crisis forced the sale of all U.S. land west of Chicago to China the following year (the Burnetts home was in Nevada). “I’ll worry about my family being part of the ‘New China’ when I get around to it,” huffed Burnett as armed “factory administrators” watch her and her co-contributors’ every move. “But right now I have some more convincing to do when it comes to Obama’s birth certificate.”
Burnett said she almost had a fellow contributor, a woman named Denise, convinced of Obama’s true place of birth the prior week, “But then Denise fell and broke her wrist,” said Burnett. “They dragged her away screaming to the ‘recovery center.’ No one ever recovers from the ‘recovery center’.”
Added Burnett as she shook her head in tears, “So sad, you know? Now I’ll never be able to convince her Obama was born in Madagascar!”
On the bright side, Burnett has a convert in 32-year-old Allyson Clarkson, a new arrival to Amerikansky Resort #109 who was quick to believe Burnett’s arguments that Obama was never eligible to hold office. But on the dark side, Clarkson is still emotionally devastated after receiving a life sentence at the resort. “But that’s the best time to talk to them about (Obama),” according to Burnett. “When they first get here they’re upset, ntaurally, and ready to listen to people of reason and rationality, like me.”
Clarkson received her life sentence for a variety of crimes, beginning eight months ago, when the x-ray vision of a domestic “Citizen Defender” drone detected her smoking a cigarette inside her own home in Buffalo, New York. After kicking her door down and storming her house, authorities discovered not only a smuggled pack of cigarettes (nationally banned in 2018 under then-president and former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley), but a private diary in which Clarkson had written disparaging jokes about current U.S. President Sandra K. Fluke. However the Fluke administration did not see the humor in Clarkson’s scribbles, or her tobacco products, deeming her a “terminal threat to public officials…and children, of course” under United Nations criminal code #672-B, dealing specifically with “American Subversives and Peddlers of Life Ending Substances.” Thus Clarkson is now residing at Resort 109 for the rest of her life.
“I…I gu…guess it’s as good a time as any to st...sta…start thinking about this Obama-birth issue,” said a shaking, inconsolable Clarkson. “People should have talked more about it back in 2008 and ’12 instead of becoming distracted by petty issues like national debt, security, taxes, inflation, war, energy, and individual liberties.”
Perhaps worse than her sad realization about the all-pressing Obama birth controversy is that Clarkson can never convey her new belief about Obama to her husband, Peter. Peter died during the raid on her home after police tasered him for failing to get up after his initial three tasings. When Peter refused to move or breathe, officers declared him “non-compliant” and tasered him again. He was flown to a recovery center where he was pronounced 4 x dead, but tasered one last time just to make sure.
Recounted a grieving Clarkson to Duh Progressive, “I’ve lost my husband, I’ve lost my freedom, I’ve lost my country… Oh, God, Obama! You lying Kenyan bastard!”
Resort Officials Pleased Inmates Discussing Pertinent Issues
Amerikansky Recreational Resort and Spa Commandant Michelle “Olga” Moore said she and resort officials are pleased their guests are occupying their free time, albeit cerebral, if one can call it that, with the “birther issue” of two decades prior.
Said Moore to Duh Progressive, “With the constant increase in the number of guests we and the rest of the resorts in the nation are getting, we’re pleased these ‘non-cooperatives’ can find something to talk about to keep themselves occupied.”
“After all,” added Moore, “who are we to deprive people the right to discuss the most important issue the world has ever known?”
In the remote, icy slopes of Greensboro, Vermont, in the federal resort and spa curiously named “Eternal Euphoria #66” (opened in 2022, when there were a couple states left), a number of its 35,000 guests also discuss politics and current events; from the armed secession of the former state of Florida in 2020, to the return of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona to Mexico the previous year, to $49/gallon of supposedly clean and cheap ethanol gasoline, to daily “safety and nutrition reports” each citizen must submit to local authorities (despite there being no longer a “local”) detailing their neighbor’s behavior, mood and eating habits, to the $2500 yearly fee all citizens must pay in reparations for slavery, to summary executions of suspected drunk drivers (defined as “anyone who has had a drink 72 hours before driving”), to the GPS chips the government demands all citizens have implanted in their necks, to the…who the hell cares? –Obama wasn’t born in the United State(s)! Indeed, many of the guests of Eternal Euphoria 66 enjoy debating the ages’ most significant issue of all, and in no way to the detriment of resort officials.
“Hearing these ‘birthers’ incessantly argue the issue of the former president’s legitimacy 25 years after its relevancy –if it ever was– is really a delight,” said Eternal Euphoria 66’s resort Generaldirektor Ilsa von Braunhoff. From her villa safely outside the resort’s electric barbed wire and guard towers, Braunhoff receives daily reports similar to those of Amerikansky 109’s Commandant Moore concerning what her guests are discussing amongst themselves. “It’s rather surprising,” commented the 45-year-old overseer of the camp to Duh Progressive. “These people have been arrested and sent here for anything and everything unrelated to whether a president two decades ago had the proper paperwork to hold office, but yet that’s all they want to talk about. It’s amazing. …I wouldn’t call it exactly ‘sad’ –that might start a riot. And who wants another riot after how we had to ‘handle’ the last one?”
Pittsburgh native Andre Pinkerton, 46, who has been in Eternal Euphoria since 2024 after seeking an early withdraw from his IRA at the Infidel Savings and Loan Association, a largest Al-Qaeda owned investment firm in the United State currently, says the rest of his dwindling country’s problems can “go to hell,” as he is determined to search for the truth behind President 44’s real origin of birth for the rest of his pained life.
When they are not too busy dying of hypothermia, some of Pinkerton’s fellow guests in their tightly packed barracks routinely heckle him, “Shut up with your birther shit, Andy!” when he goes off on an Obama-birth-certificate tangent. Pinkerton usually shouts back something to the effect of, “Yeah, well where were you in 2008 and ’12 when we needed you?!”
“What the (expletive) does this have anything to do with what’s happened to us over the last 20 years, asshole?!” a wheezy, sickly voice of a bed-ridden guest yells back from across the room. “What the (expletive) does that have to do with any of this now?!”
“They’re all idiots!” mumbles Pinkerton smugly, as he hugs his rat-chewed coat around himself in the freezing Vermont air. There is only a small solar powered heater in each of the barracks to keep their 100 guests warm. However having not seen the sun for two weeks, the heater is hardly working to capacity.
“When will these guys learn the real reason we’re here?” asks a dejected Pinkerton to himself. “I can’t imagine what it’s like being obsessed about all these other silly issues. Personal freedom? Debt? China? Illegal aliens appointed U.S. judges? A 435% income tax rate? The loss of the Bill of Rights…? It’s like they’ve taken the most meaningless problems and obsessed over them to the point where it’s become a bonafide mental disorder. They’re sick. Sick, I say!”
Generaldirektor von Braunhoff sees things a bit differently than guest #33021 Pinkerton. From her villa von Braunhoff gleams down on Euphoria 66, huffing in amusement. “I can hear them now, squawking, bickering…” said von Braunhoff to Duh Progressive. “Here they are, all here for the trouble they’ve caused; their ancient beliefs, dangerous traditions. Yet they still want to talk about birther thing. I love it!”
“I loved hearing them obsess over it back in 2008 when I was a young woman,” continued von Braunhoff, snuggling a monocle over her left eye. “I loved it even more when they kept at it in 2012. And I’ve been loving hearing them talk about it ever since. Where would we be today if it hadn’t been for birthers? Look at all the progress we’ve been able to make because of them. God Ble…no, wait, Ye Great Soil Spirits, bless them.”
Added von Braunhoff, giggling hysterically, “Who knows –just give ‘em another 20 years, all this birth certificate talk will get them somewhere. Yeah. You just watch!”