by Chase-Tucker-Hamilton-Preston-Dawson Sevenlocks III, official DP yuppie
Friday, March 30th, 2012,
(HOUSTON, TX) —The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the trees were blooming. A picturesque landscape engulfed them, like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting; with the seeping odors of blossoming tree buds enwrapping their scent around Bashirah Zaynub, 17, and her sister, Alaia, 18. Yes, such was the striking setting for the two sisters of devout Zaydi Shia parents as they spent their spring break…at the end of their family’s driveway.
For Yemeni natives Ibrahim and Jameela Zaynub, allowing their daughters to partake in the rowdy U.S. tradition of “spring break” was a difficult step in assimilating to American culture. But the task of maintaining their strict faith and traditions while allowing their burgeoning daughters more independence was finally realized a last week.
“I was nervous, fearful. I was biting my nails, pacing back and forth. I was…what’s the American phrase, ‘on pins-n-needles’ as they say?” according to Ibrahim Zaynub, 54. Mr. Zaynub, owner of Knights of Arabia Restaurant in Houston’s affluent Woodlands suburb, said he knew the day would come when he and his wife would have to see their daughters leave home, if not just for a week, in order to “find themselves;” discovering the world on their own via the wonder of adventure. And according to the two daughters, their week-long voyage to and around the end of their parents’ driveway was one they will soon not forget.
“It’s been a week since we returned home and my wrists are still sore from all the waving we did,” said 18-year-old college freshman Alaia to Duh Progressive Wednesday. “One car would pass by and we’d wave, then another one. And then another car would drive by going the opposite direction and we’d wave again. Then wave some more. It was a blast!”
With their beach umbrellas, shades, and plenty of suntan lotion to protect their exposed faces, ankles and feet from the sun, the two adhras camped outside at night in their family’s yard next to the driveway. “Nighttime, yes, that was when we worried the most,” Mrs. Zaynub recounted, wiping beads of sweat from her brow. “I’m a mother, so I naturally worried, ‘How are the girls? Are they safe? Are they doing anything reckless; engaging in any dangerous or shameful behavior?’ …It was rough.”
Despite Mr. Zaynub spending each night in a lawn chair five feet away from his daughters’ tent, armed with a baseball bat and stun gun, Mrs. Zaynub said she still feared for her children’s safety as they enjoyed their spring break. Added Mrs. Zaynub to Duh Progressive, “I couldn’t stop worrying about my little girls’ safety. What if Ibrahim fell asleep in the chair and some boys came by? …It got so bad I had to contact them –didn’t care if they thought I was being nosey. I opened the kitchen window and yelled out, ‘Everything alright?’ … And it was. Huh, silly me!”
But quite not all right was an unfortunate incident towards the end of their spring break vacation, when a landscaping truck full of Salvadorian workers drove past the two fledgling young Muslim women as they relaxed in the sun and fun at the bottom of their driveway. According to the Zaynub family, one of the workers whistled at the girls, confirming the potential dangers of this American “rite of passage” on which the Zaynubs had apprehensively allowed their daughters to embark. Said Mr. Zaynub, “I had just finished breakfast one morning when I heard a truck drive by and a man whistle. When I looked out the window I saw a truck full of –what’s the American word? Spicanos, right?– driving away, whistling. We were mortified!”
Mr. Zaynub, quick with taser and kitchen meat cleaver in hand, ran out to confront the rowdy landscapers, but was too late. “I knew Bashirah and Alaia would encounter scum like this. It’s just one of the perils of this Western ‘spring break’ tradition, I guess. But still, I wasn’t standing for it!”
When no license plate or name of the landscaping company could be discerned, Mr. Zaynub resorted to the best form of justice he could, promptly giving his daughters a well-earned “honor slapping.”
“It’s not something I’m proud of, but I had to ‘honor slap’ the girls for the ‘dishonor whistling’ they brought about,” added a flustered Zaynub, a resident of the U.S. since 1998. “They had brought disgrace to our family –just sitting in the driveway and grass, reading books and waving to cars..?! What sort of response did they expect to get, huh? They might as well have asked for it!”
Besides the unfortunate honor slapping episode, the Zaynub daughters reported having a great time on their first spring break trip, and plan on going again next year… perhaps even venturing to their neighbor’s yard and driveway! “One morning we woke up in our tents and it had been raining,” recalled high school senior, Bashirah, giddily. “Alaia and I woke up all soaked in our tent, and the next thing we knew…we were having our very own little ‘wet hijab contest’! Whoo-hoo!”
“What can I say, it was the experience of a lifetime,” said Bashirah, visibly still exhausted from their 6-day, 25-pace excursion to the end of their family’s driveway. “I’ll never forget it, that’s for sure. I know every crack in our family’s driveway now by heart; know every blade of grass around the mailbox, too.”
“Plus,” added Alaia, 18, “we discovered that a bucket full of one-third water, one-third Isopropyl rubbing alcohol and one-third Tabasco sauce is almost like a Jacuzzi, at least for your feet.”
Not mentioned by the Zaynub sisters were the whereabouts of their two brothers, Zaman, 18, and Naveed, 19, during their trip. As for the brothers, they were given a personal bank account of $55,000 on which to tour Europe and Brazil for their spring break.
“Our sons have been gone a little longer than normal; already they’ve missed the first day back at college,” nodded Mr. Zaynub, slumping his shoulders. “I guess ‘boys will be boys’…just as long as they come back ‘men’ if you know what I mean…Hee hee!”
The two brothers haven’t been heard from since last week, when they called their devout Muslim parents in the middle of Amsterdam’s annual “Spring Time Vomit In the Park S-n-M Orgy Extravaganza,” after which the boys were planning on spending a few days in the French Riviera’s Cap d'Agde (a.k.a. France’s “Naked City”) before visiting Rio de Janeiro’s notorious “Seeping Fissure Boulevard” in its famous red light district, finally stopping in Las Vegas, where the Zaynub family knows their sons, with their deep Islamic devotions and customs, will make themselves quite at home.
“I just can’t wait till next year,” said Alaia Zuynub to Duh Progressive Wednesday, “Just as long as our brothers bring us back some sou…ehh-hemm, sorry, had to clear my throat. I meant if our brothers bring us back some souvenirs –aehemm-haah-hha!– from their travels, I think next year’s spring break will be even better!”
On a serious note: Some may find this piece of biting satire offensive. If so, rest assured Duh Progressive takes such earnest depictions seriously, and shares equal offence. Furthermore, we vow that if any of our staff ever does meet someone with the first name of Chase, Tucker, Hamilton, Preston or Dawson, we will promptly kick him in the testicles with extraordinary zeal.