by D’Leereeus Johnson, new DP staff,
Monday, April 9th, 2012,
(APOPKA, FL) —Haley Perkell could hardly sleep Saturday night. With the promise of a yard strewn with gift-filled Easter eggs just a few hours away, the six-year-old Florida girl tossed and turned in bed Easter eve, unable to fall asleep until she was given a tall glass of her “mommy’s special nighttime juice,” courtesy of Napa Valley, Ca.
But Haley's young eyes would never buldge in amazement before a candy‒sprinkled world Easter morning. Nor would any of the state of Florida’s estimated 2.6 million Christian children awake Sunday to discover the Easter Bunny had visited them overnight.
From the sad sobs of Apopka’s Haley Perkell to the teary eyes of Christian kids in Naples, to the boo-hoos of children in Jacksonville, Miami, Clear Water, Key Largo, etc., it appears no child was left behind in the Easter Bunny’s banning of the entire state of Florida this year, all in protest over the state’s “Stand Your Ground” law and its obvious and infamous consequence: the Trayvon Martin shooting. Citing Florida’s refusal to charge neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman, who used the Sunshine State’s “Stand Your Ground” provision as his reason for shooting the unarmed 17-year-old black teen last February, the Easter Bunny made good on his/her/its/hermaphroditic-ish promise to ban Florida this year, depriving millions of its children their Easter eggs and gifts.
Also absent among the heartbreak of Florida’s pre-pubescent Easter Bunny believers is an apology from one of Christianity’s greatest animal icons. According to the Easter Bunny himself (or her/his/ChazBono-ish self), its decision to ignore only the children of Florida among Earth’s 180 million Christian kids is solely in protest of February’s Trayvon Martin shooting in Sanford, as well as Florida’s controversial “Stand Your Ground” provision and the state's reluctance to charge George Zimmerman for the killing of Martin.
Stated the Easter Bunny via his attorney, Raheem al-Muhammad Zuckerheim, in a formal press release Sunday:
“It is the official position of Easter’s Time-Honored Hare that due to the cold-blooded, inexcusable murder of Trayvon Martin, which was facilitated by Florida’s negligent “Stand Your Ground” provision and other irrational pro-gun laws, the Easter Bunny has not included Florida among its places to bless with gifts this year. We deeply regret any disappointment this course of action may have caused the Christian children of Florida.”
Continued the Bunny’s statement: “However we urge any distraught children to productively channel their emotions, such as requesting the U.S. Justice Department formally charge George Zimmerman with capital murder and a hate crime, and ask their parents why they still choose to reside in a state that encourages the genocide of African-American children.”
Keeping with his/her/Richard Simmons-esque elusive nature, the Easter Bunny was not available for direct comment as of Monday afternoon.
Ten miles away from the epicenter of the Martin shooting, in the town of Apopka, the Easter Bunny’s excuses for its Trayvon-inspired Florida ban is doing little to assuage the sorrow of children like little Haley Perkell. “My daughter is innocent in this Trayvon tragedy,” said Haley’s mother, Teresa, Sunday. “She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this by the Easter Bunny in order for it…or him, her…to prove a point. Easter Bunny, goddamn you!”
Florida governor Rick Scott expressed disappointment in the Easter Bunny’s dismissal of his state in its yearly distribution of candy-filled Easter eggs. “Our state is still reeling from this tragedy in Sanford and is working hard to resolve it,” Governor Scott said to reporters as he left church services Easter morning. “But intentional ignoring of Florida by the Easter Bunny doesn’t help. It hurts the innocent children of Florida a lot. If this is the way the Easter Bunny is going to treat us because of this awful incident, I dread to see what Santa Claus does.”
NRA Vows Revenge, Clarification on Easter Bunny’s Gender
Like Governor Scott’s office, Florida parents have inundated the state chapter of the National Rifle Association with angry phone calls; some directed at the Easter Bunny, some directed at the NRA for obviously causing and celebrating the shooting of Trayvon Martin. “It’s hard enough trying to get our kids to develop diabetes today without being deprived of the Easter Bunny’s candy, you crazy (expletives)!” blared a high-pitched male voice with a lisp on the NRA’s voicemail Sunday.
“That’s the fifty-fourth message like that this hour,” said Marion Hammer, Florida’s spokesperson and lobbyist for the NRA. From the group’s headquarters in Tallahassee, Hammer said the NRA’s e-mail and voicemail have been melting since Easter morning, with angry Florida parents calling to complain to (and chide) the NRA for being banned by the Easter Bunny.
Commented Hammer to Duh Progressive, “I’ve never experienced anything like this. It is the NRA’s opinion that George Zimmerman’s guilt has yet to be determined, and should be determined in a court of law. Either way, we had nothing to do with the actions of (Zimmerman), or the hurtful, politically–inspired actions of the Easter Bunny.”
“You folks better get that faggoty bunny rabbit for dissin' our state!” growled a twangy voice on another NRA phone message. Indeed, Hammer said revenge upon the Easter Bunny is not out of the NRA’s considerations. After displaying such a sharp anti-gun stance and using Florida’s Christian children as pawns in the languishing Trayvon Martin controversy, vengeance on the once-perceived apolitical hairy hopper may be inevitable, according to Hammer.
Pensacola resident and lifelong NRA member Neil Drummond agreed with Hammer…and then some. Pausing from comforting his crying five-year-old twin sons as they gazed upon an Easter eggless back yard Sunday morning, Drummond said the Easter Bunny’s “anti-Florida” actions have put him/it/Chaz-ishness on a collision course with disaster. “Never been a fan of that queer-ass bunny anyway,” snickered Drummond as he hugged his wailing boys against his side. “…Hoppin’ around in the middle of the night in people’s yards, trespassing, dressed in pink...just weird, man!”
“If that bunny wants to ban Florida this year, that’s fine, but he better not hop an inch in this state ever again,” Drummond grimaced. “‘Cause if he does and I see ‘em, I’ll blow his little bunny balls off!”
Added Drummond, “And that’s another thing: does the Easter Bunny even have balls? No one knows if it’s male or female. Kinda’ always struck me like some creepy mix; kinda’ always had that Chaz Bono—Richard Simmons thing going on. Shit ain’t right, man.”
However shooting the Easter Bunny’s genitals (whatever sort they may be) does not bring comfort to children and parents like the Perkells. Calming her daughter down again with the help of her special nighttime juice, this time courtesy of Lynchburg, Tennessee, Perkell shook her head in disgust. Said Perkell, “Even if the Easter Bunny comes back next year, things won’t be the same. Celebrating the Resurrection of Jesus has been tainted forever now. The Easter Bunny hates us…for something none of us had anything to do with.”
Unable to hold back her tears any longer, Ms. Perkell erupted in sobs, “I’ll never be able to work out to another Richard Simmons tape again!”