by Jonathan Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Monday, September 3rd, 2012,
(CLEVELAND, OH) —Making his way to the Democrat National Convention in Charlotte for his acceptance speech Thursday, President Obama challenged Mitt Romney’s latest claim that America no longer lead the world in entrepreneurialism and technological development, as Obama hailed 11-year-old brothers Ian and Edmund Wilkenstein for their invention of what many commonly call “The Fart Machine,” and its on-line counterpart, “The Fart Board” (www.fart-sounds.net).
Giggling hysterically alongside the President on a stage during a campaign stop at a electronics factory near Cleveland, Monday, the adolescent Wilkenstein brothers proudly showed off their invention to Obama, who praised the boys’ “entrepreneurial spirit,” saying the Wilkensteins were “proof that America is still stronger, quicker and smarter than any other nation when it comes to vital technological developments in the Twenty-First Century.”
“Why, I don’t know about any of you, but I can’t even remember life before the invention of the ‘Fart Machine’,” the President said to a bulging crowd of 30, if not 32. “And who even remembers the Internet before the days of ‘Fart-Sounds.net?’ Seriously, it almost makes one wonder if these young geniuses next to me, and their farts, were not what the Internet was invented for in the first place!”
Having been interested in electronics and web development since kindergarten, the Wilkenstein brothers finally succeeded in creating the “Fart Machine,” a pocket-sized plastic speaker with various buttons, each producing different tones and lengths of human gaseous expulsions. Soon followed the Wilkensteins’ more elaborate on-line cousin, the “Fart Board,” touting 39 different types of anally produced noises. According to the Wilkensteins, the site routinely crashes due to the stampede in traffic (much like Duh Progressive now-a-days).
“There’s the ‘Ripper-Dripper’ and ‘Blast-Of-Broccoli,’ Mr. President,” said Eddie Wilkenstein, showing Obama which button to push to produce a clear sound of flatulence accompanied by a touch of liquid excrement.
According to Ian and Eddie’s parents, Joel and Sara Wilkenstein, they have been perplexed at their pubescent sons’ success with mass-marketing the plastic, palm-sized flatulence mimickers, which were being produced in the factory as Obama spoke. Said an embarrassed-looking Mrs. Wilkenstein to Duh Progressive, Monday, “Our sons are just your average pubescent boys who are in that whole 'belching-farting-gross-body-functions' phase. They’re just kids; it just happens they were able to invent this ‘fart contraption.’ Trust me –they’ll invent something of actual value to society one day.”
However, according to President Obama, the Wilkenstein’s “magnificent” Fart Machine and subsequent on-line Fart Board are of tremendous value to society, exemplifying America’s “can-do spirit” that Mitt Romney claims has all but vanished under his tutelage.
“They say America has lost its edge; that we can’t compete on the world stage of ingenuity anymore..!” added the President, Monday, pointing at the Wilkenstein brothers and their blushing parents in the factory’s audience. “Well, here you go; here’s the proof: two smart, brave, gifted young men, having the brains, the drive, and the farts, to go ahead and pursue their dream, and help change America…with their fart machine!”
Back in their fifth grade class at Cleveland’s Benjamin Franklin Elementary School, fellow classmates of the Wilkensteins’ keeled over with laughter as they watched the brothers’ being hailed by the President on live TV. Ten-year-old Luis Garcia said he has been friends with the Wilkensteins since the second grade, but could not believe their luck in having President Obama single them out as a hallmark of American ingenuity. Said Garcia to Duh Progressive Monday, before wetting his pants, “It’s like, it’s like, it’s like…I always knew Ian and Eddie were into inventing things, but Mr. Obama calling them out for it and their fart machi…it’s just…b…baahhh-hah-haaa-haaa-haaaa…!”
“It’s a sad day when (President Obama) has to honor pubescent boys who invented a trinket that does nothing but produces farts,” commented the Wilkensteins’ fifth grade teacher, Mary Schimmel. Schimmel, 32, added that although she was proud of her students for being so “creative,” if this was the best President Obama could do to prove America still held the edge in global technological ingenuity, she would “most likely” not be voting for him again in November.
UPDATE: Mrs. Schimmel was fired by the Ohio Teachers’ Union Tuesday, the day after her interview. But sources close to Schimmel say she will begin her new job at Cleveland’s Platinum Horse Brook Park Gentlemen’s Club along Brookpark Road, off Outerbelt South Freeway in Cleveland, next week. …No word yet on whether she will be farting or not while “performing.”