by Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female
Tuesday, December 25th, 2012,
(UNITED STATES) —“Dissed!” “Stunned!” “Mortified!” “Enraged!” “Flabbergasted..!”
Such are some of the endless and less “colorful” adjectives Americans are using to describe how they're feeling this Christmas Day, after the entire United States was apparently skipped over by Santa Claus!
As dawn broke over the nation’s East Coast, Christian children awoke to discover what Santa had blessed and bestowed upon them this year: NOTHING. Not a single thing. Kris Kringle; Saint Nicholas; Father Christmas, etc. …indeed, Santa Claus himself, has skipped America!
Phone lines and cell towers began melting throughout the nation as people called friends, relatives, neighbors, and even police to report and/or confirm “the dissing,” as it is being called. Whatever one may call it, it is the first time Santa has intentionally dissed an entire country.
In Maine, the city of Bangor was the one of the first large cities to begin being inundated with 9-1-1 calls of residents believing their Christmas presents had been stolen during the night, forcing Bangor’s interim Police Chief Peter Arno to make a public announcement, as well as a plea.
“Please, folks, no one has been burglarized. We have no reports of break-ins or (home) invasions,” said Chief Arno at an early morning press conference, Tuesday. “No one, to our knowledge, has had a crime committed against them. No gifts were stolen. They just were not left. Santa Claus has…well….screwed us, for lack of a better term.”
Fellow police departments across America fielded thousands of calls from residents believing Santa must not, could not, have skipped them, and that their lack of presents under the tree or in the stocking must surely be the work of thieves.
But as fears of gift-thefts are subsiding across the nation like the recoil of a tidal wave, Americans began to wonder of Santa Claus’ purposeful “dissing.” Indeed, “the dissing” is being theorized among the nation’s children today as they try to console their heartbroken children.
“My babies’ daddies all left us years ago,” said Dawn Bauer, of Nashville and mother of six, “and Santa Claus was the one responsible male figure my kids believed in. Now he’s abandoned us, too! How am I supposed to explain this to little Tammy, and Randy, and Brittany, and the rest of my kids whose names I can’t remember at the moment?”
“#DissedBySanta” is now a popular trend on the social medium Twitter, with countless parent(s) asking the same gut-wrenching questions as Bauer.
From his holiday vacation compound in Hawaii, President Obama issued a press released to the millions of distraught parents across the nation, sympathizing with their shocking disappointment and promising to get to the bottom of why Santa Claus had skipped the United States this year.
“I am very saddened and as stunned as everyone else to learn that Santa Claus did not bestow his gifts and holiday cheer to the American people,” read the President’s statement Christmas Day. “…We are launching a full investigation as to why Father Christmas chose to deliver gifts to the rest of the world’s children, and not those of the United States. A ‘dissing’ like this will not be tolerated, and Mr. Claus will be held responsible and made to answer for his lack of respect for America’s children.”
However, back in the North Pole, Santa Claus himself issued a press release of his own, stating clearly why he chose not to bother stopping in the U.S. this year.
Said Jolly Ol’ Saint Nick tothe Associated Press:
“For hundreds of years my job has been to bequeath the Christian children of the world with the gifts they request and deserve. And historically, I have at rare times passed over areas where I see my services are no longer needed. As of last month, November 6th, to be precise, America proved it already had a ‘Santa Claus,’ promising all the well-being and gifts humanly possible. Therefore, due to my regular time constraints, I decided America had no need of my services.”
Mr. Claus stated that although he is not a “dittohead” (slang for a devout fan of conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh), he did agree with Rush Limbaugh when he declared on the day after the November election that America a “voted for Santa Claus.”
“I usually don’t pay much attention to pundits or politics,” continued Santa Claus in his statement, “but what Rush said was right. America already has a ‘Santa Claus’ in the White House. So why then should I waste my time on a nation that has been promised all of God’s greatest gifts already? My apologies, but the world’s population is growing and I must conserve my time to those who are in actual need, not merely want what others have in the noble name of ‘need.’ Ya’ feel me?”
But Santa Claus was hardly finished in his statement-turned-diatribe:
“Look, America,” Santa continued, “years ago the poor in your country didn’t have enough to eat. Hell, some remote parts of some states didn’t even have electricity until the 1980s. Now you all consider a person to be destitute if they don't have not one, but two or three 50-inch plasma screen TVs in their homes, a cell phone and two cars. That is disgusting! It’s pathetic. You all have become pathetic! …You’re pathetic, America! Leeching, whiny, fat, disgusting, diabetic slobs who want your money for nothin’ and your chicks for free (to quote the great Dire Straits). And you voted for that in November. That was my job. You hear me? MY JOB! So why should I bother with you?
“Hell, even Greece was more deserving of my time this year,” Santa raged on. “Years ago they voted for their own Santa Claus, too. The ‘haves’ agreed to give more and more to the ‘have nots,’ so much so that now no one over there has anything! So yes, even the Greeks earned my time and effort this year, the hairy little buggers!
“But don’t worry,” added Santa Claus, “the way things are going, you all will be just like Greece is now. Just give it a couple more generations. …Maybe then you’ll need the real Santa to return (if I haven’t been banned under sharia law by then).”