"This site."

- Ernest Hemingway

2012: Duh Year In Review

 

 Scroll and click photos or headlines to review this year's DUH-est news!


JANUARY

1.)   SOTU: President Obama Wins First Round of “Master of the Obvious” 


2.)  Despair: New Report Charges Nation's Schools Failing to Prepare Children for Gang Life


3.)  Taliban on U.S. Troop Urination Video: ''We're actually into that kinky shit''


4.)  Gov. Perry Thanks Supporters For Reminding Him What They Had Been Supporting Him For

although we lean Right, we have no problem giving members of our side "love taps" when they do or say (or forget) ridiculous things.  That means you, Governor.


 

FEBRUARY

5.) ‘Occupy DC’ Protesters Finally Being Forced to Reoccupy Mom’s Basement


6.) Tyrannosaurus Rex Devours Tom Brady in Last Minutes of Super Bowl XLVI


7.) Study: Socialism Works 98% of the Time It Is Imagined



8.) City Votes to Ban ‘‘Whites Only’’ Wedding



9.) Machete that Robbed Supreme Court Justice Breyer Given Probation, Community Service


 

 

MARCH

10.) Still Fighting: From Afterlife Andrew Breitbart Launches ''BIG HEAVEN''

(R.I.P., sir!  Our tribute to the "King of New Media.")

11.) Students Now Demanding Government Pay For Their Date Rape Drugs      (...hey, two can play this game, Sandra Fluke)


12.) Streets Empty Again for Annual Agoraphobia Pride Parade!


13.) U.S. Gulag Prisoners in Year 2032 Still Debating Obama Birth Certificate

         (the article people should have 'listened to' the most)


14.) Michelle Obama Blames ‘Skittles’ for Controversial Florida Shooting


15.) Muslim Teens Recount Thrilling Spring Break Trip to End of Driveway

 


APRIL

16.) Bounty Put On President Obama for Capture and Enrollment In American Civics Class

17.) Florida Still Reeling From Easter Bunny Ban!



18.) Student’s ‘‘Gross’’ Opinion Plunges College Diversity Class Into Chaos!

(some articles we revamp and post again, if not for just our own amusement. This is one of those)

19.) Prosecutors: George Zimmerman to Face Trial Following Decapitation, Disembowelment


20.) Titanic Anniversary Coverage Strangely Absent on BET Network

("You can't run this piece," some told us. "It's too racist."  Hey, don't blame Duh Progressive —blame reality!)

21.) IMMINENT DOOM! – Al Gore Warns Earth’s Climate Has Changed Dramatically Over Last 12 Hours!

 

 

 MAY

22.) Ron Paul Declares Own Campaign Unconstitutional

 

23.) Handgun Credited With Preventing Protester from Occupying Woman’s Vagina



24.) Romney Accused of Soiling Pants in First Grade!

(sorry, folks, it wasn't the infamous "47%" comments that brought Mitt down.  It was this horrifying piece only Duh Progressive could break!)

25.) Nancy Pelosi Proposes the ''Capital Grille Dirty Martini Recovery Act''



26.) Study: U.S. College Degree Essential to Tending Bar



27.) Obama Administration to Issue ‘‘You’re #1’’ Ribbons to Millions of Unemployed     

(as the astute James Carville famously said, "It's the feelings, stupid!")


28.) Vice President Joe Biden On Economy: ''You're a racist!''

 


2012 saw the quintupling of Duh Progressive's readership, as well as the "crashing" of our site THREE TIMES due to it not being able to withstand the sudden influx in traffic.   This was a problem, but a problem we were happy to have.  We hope we have the same problem again in 2013 and must expand our bandwidth...again.

JUNE

29.) Romney Woos Conservatives by Vowing to Nuke San Francisco

(oh, you charmer, you had me at "nuke"!)


30.) Bisexual Man Who Assaulted Himself Charged With Hate Crime


31.) Mitt Romney Chooses ''Perfect'' Running Mate (Part 1)



32.) Mitt Romney Chooses ''Perfectly Diverse'' Running Mate (Part 2)



33.) Child Lemonade Stands Formally Request $245 Billion Federal Bailout!



34.) World’s Leading Humanitarians, Medical Experts Hail U.S. Supreme Court Decision


 

JULY

35.) Anderson Cooper On Way To Coming Out Of Every Closet in America


36.) Nation’s Morons Begin Annual Recovery From Fireworks Accidents


37.) Atheist Totally Unaware God Just Told Him to Go F**k Himself


38.) Removed Statue of Joe Paterno to Be Placed In Jerry Sandusky’s Ass

(no, Duh Progressive is not G-Rated, if you haven't guessed.  We couldn't do this if we had to be)

39.) Mayor Bloomberg to Personally Inspect the Stool Samples of Every New Yorker

 



AUGUST

40.) Colossal Orgy in London Turning Into Worldwide Sporting Event!


41.) Report: Mitt Romney Fed 20-Month-Old Baby to Crocodiles!



42.) Eric Holder: Some Ethnicities ‘‘Simply Biologically Incapable’’ of Obtaining Voter Identification

(Our second most popular article of the year, because this is something exactly like this jackass would really say)

43.) Actor Kevin Bacon Changing Last Name To Appease Muslims

(Hands-down our most popular piece of 2012!  And as always, our readers' "comments" are the best part!)


SEPTEMBER

44.) Obama Hails 11-Year-Old Inventors of ‘‘Fart Machine’’

(whoever said America is no longer industrious?!)

45.) God To Democrats: ‘‘That’s okay, you’re not on my platform, either’’


46.) Half of Nation Pauses to Mock What Other Half Is Pausing Over



47.) White House To Deploy Thousands of Mimes to Protect U.S. Embassies



48.) SHOCK: Music Legend Stevie Wonder Tapped to Replace Current National ‘‘Border Security Czar’’



49.) DEATH BY 'PEACE' - Final Autopsy on Chris Stevens: Ambassador Died From ‘‘Overdose of Peace’’

(Satire can be tricky.  Not all articles are meant to be "funny" in the classic sense.  Sometimes message must come first and only)


 2012 was also a year of thiev....sorry, "lifting," as it is called.  We are always glad to be (yet another) inspiriation for the "King of Satire"


OCTOBER

50.) Obama Calls Criticism of His Record as President ‘‘Below the Belt’’


51.) SHOCK POLL Finds President Obama Leading by 480%!

(What?!  The press...? Skewing polls?!  Ya' don't say?)

52.) Obama Beginning to Think Taliban, al-Qaeda ‘‘Nothing But a Bunch of Big Meanies’’



53.) Rapper Snoop Dogg Donates Half of His ‘Shizzle’ to Obama Campaign


54.) U.S. To Quell Anti-Americanism Among Muslims via Massive Onslaught of Porn, Alcohol, Pork


55.) SHOCK: Vice President Joe Biden Endorses Mitt Romney!


56.) AP: Obama Still Polling Outstandingly Well…With His Children

57.) STUDY: Most Terrorists Would Rather Be Waterboarded Than Listen To Arguments Against Waterboarding

58.) DNC’s Debbie Wasserman Schultz: ‘‘What’s the point of having an election if you can’t steal it?’’


NOVEMBER

59.) Notorious ‘‘Death Cat’’ Refuses to Leave Obama Campaign Headquarters

(looks like 'Oscar' didn't have the magic touch after all)


60.)  Entire United States of America Found Dead In Remote Field In Guyana…Apparent Suicide!



61.) ‘‘If we had only posted more pictures of Obama with a Hitler mustache,’’ Laments Totally Grotesque, Overweight 50-Yr-Old Virgin From Mom’s Basement


62.) Nation Officially Out of Reasons to Be Thankful



63.) BREAKING: 'Duh Progressive' is ''experiencing'' some rough shit!

 (like many on the Right, we were pretty upset after the election and lost our "mojo" as they say.  This photo is the article for half of November, post-election.)



DECEMBER

64.) Michelle Obama Says Santa Claus Promotes Diabetes



65.) AFTERMATH: Congress Mulls Banning All Men In Their 20s

(because we can always count on our leaders to act with reason and pragmatism after a tragedy like Newtown, Conn.)

66.) Santa Claus Skips Entire United States, Says Nation ‘‘Already Has a Santa’’



 ______________________________________________________________________________

 

       DEAR  READERS, CONTRIBUTORS and STAFF,

     Duh Progressive began as a simple hobby of a struggling grad student and political campaigner in 2009.   By late 2010 it was no longer a hobby.   Since then, and particularly this last year, Duh Progressive has grown immensely in readership and size.  What we aim to do and be is best explained in our ABOUT section.

     Duh Progressive is rising to be the premier Right-friendly political satire site on the web, and we have so many people to thank who helped in making 2012 the best for us yet.  On the end of this amazing year, 2012, and the beginning of 2013, Duh Progressive wishes to thank those who have written, advised, and graphically helped us in producing this great feat of satire and unique political statements.  

     So, thank you Tim Connor, Eric Owusu, and Republican Party Animals’  Kendra Adams for help with graphics. Thank you comedian John Herr and Matt Braynard for ideas and with input with certain articles. Thank you T.J. Cooney for re-launching the site and "cleaning it up" thus far.   Thank you, Cmdr. Tom Garcia for allowing me, Nick Taxia, as a guest on his show, The American Hour, and for his “True Op-Ed” submissions.   Thank you talk show host and Townhall columnist Doug Giles and Steve Pauwels, and their website Clash Daily, which has embraced our more edgy brand of satirical perception and expression and counts us among its contributors. And thank you, Michael DeSantis, for giving birth to the whole site in 2008!  Without Mike DeSantis, none of this would be possible today.

      However we are most, MOST grateful of all to our readers, YOU, who have laughed, steamed, cursed, and spit coffee (or beer) through your noses while reading our articles through 2012.  Whether you enjoy the humor and the points we try to make or not, we appreciate your readership and thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, for making this web site what it has become, and what it will continue to be.

      And so, on this eve of the dawning of 2013, we humbly, most respectfully, thank the thousands upon thousands who visited our site throughout last year.  We hope to improve our success for you 10-fold in 2013.   We will not stop in helping reshape contemporary political discourse and breathing fresh air into the conservative movement.   Duh Progressive is not just a satirical news site, it is an experience.

     So, with warm hearts we thank you for visiting this past year and keep enduring not just Duh Progressive, but the Duh Progressive Experience.   Thank you all so much!

     May God Bless you all and grant you a great 2013!

    —Sincerely and Lovingly,

       Nicholas Taxia and Duh Progressive staff

 
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Police Blotter

St. Louis, MO -- Police arrived at 8:26 PM to the scene of a domestic disturbance in the 1400 block of Canal Street, where an unidentified metrosexual man had dialed 9-1-1 complaining that his girlfriend had insulted him during an argument and "wounded his inner child." When confirmed that the metrosexual male was uninjured, police opened fire. A medal has been issued for the girlfriend.

 

 

 

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