Sunday, February 3rd, 2013, 9:51 A.M.
by Joel Legnutt, DP staff
(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA) —Less than 24 hours after declaring he did not see his shadow but did see four more years of an Obama in office, Punxsutawney Phil, the famed weather-forecasting groundhog of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, has been found dead in the town’s square. Adding to the shock and tragedy of Punxsutawney Phil’s death is its apparent cause: suicide, and the reason behind it.
Authorities say the prognosticating rodent took his own life over night, just hours after predicting an early spring Saturday morning along with four more years of Obama in the White House. Said a sobbing Punxsutawney Police Chief Thomas N. Fedigan Jr. to reporters, Sunday, “It appears Phil, our beloved groundhog took his own life by a single gunshot to his temple. A nine-millimeter handgun was found next to him. …There are no signs of foul play. A suicide note has also been found scratched into a wooden light pole near Phil.”
Clawed into the light post next to Phil’s frozen corpse were Phil’s last poetic and cryptic writs: “A thousand more years of winter to Obama’s mere four. I saw what I saw yesterday, thus can carry on no more!”
“This is a truly sad day,” Chief Fedigan said, “not only for Punxsutawney, but lovers of Groundhog Day everywhere, indeed, for the whole nation.”
Yesterday’s Groundhog Day was the first time Phil had been brought out of his burrow since the November 6th election, thus learning of a second Obama term for the first time. And apparently, according to the deceased marmot, seeing four more years of Obama in office was enough to send the long assumed apolitical hermit over the edge. Although Phil still remained composed and conducted his duties as usual throughout the 127-year-old ceremony Saturday, seeing an early Spring, and never letting on to the turmoil brewing within him after also seeing a President Obama in year 2017.
Stunned Punxsutawney residents stood around the crime scene as Phil’s furry body was scooped up with a shovel and taken to the county coroner for an autopsy, although his cause of death is palpable. Many cried and hugged each other, completely in shock, while others wiped tears reservedly, simply saying they were surprised at the famous hog’s drastic actions. “I knew Phil wasn’t an Obama fan,” said Ron Plaucha, this year’s presenter and handler of Punxsutawney Phil, “but I didn’t think he would be this upset over (Obama’s) reelection. Oh dear Lord, my God! No!”
State and local investigators have been searching Phil’s reclusive burrow in Punxsutawney’s Gobbler’s Knob since his stiff 8-pound body was discovered around 6:30 Sunday morning. Authorities have made no official statements on what they have uncovered in Phil’s den, but sources close to the investigation report the wall’s of the famous woodchuck’s lair to be covered in press clippings about Obama and dreary articles about America’s foreign policies, economy and society since 2009. Another and much more lengthy suicide note was reportedly found next to an empty bottle of Old Granddad and Xanax, to which the buck-toothed rodent was rumored to be addicted.
An anonymous source within Punxsutawney’s formindable 11-member police force told Duh Progressive Sunday, “We can’t divulge much detail now, but there is another (suicide) note. It’s weird. He talks a lot about America’s stagnant economy…mentions 50-million people on food stamps, massive layoffs, unsustainable spending…‘takers’ versus ‘makers’…cheapest cost of Obamacare being $20,000 per family…giving weapons to radical Muslim regimes…a ‘President Barack O-Boo-Boo’ —referencing TLC’s Honey Boo-Boo— …a whole nation turning into some morbid ‘techno-driven pop collectivist cult’ …Yep, seems Phil wrote a lot of depressing shit before he blew his brains out.”
End of Groundhog Day Spawns Day of Irony
Torn between joy and heartbreak, America is now left grappling with preparing for Super Bowl XLVII while coping with the tragic news of Groundhog Day’s Punxsutawney Phil’s politically inspired suicide. But as repugnant as it may seem, some longtime opponents of the buck-toothed-dwelling groundhog are actually applauding his demise. Said documentary film maker and political activist Michael Moore to reporters Sunday, “Punxsutawney ‘the punk’ Phil never mentioned global warming or climate change or racism or capitalist greed or the war on women in his predictions. Not once —once!— in his hundred-year existence did Phil mention the plight of Native Americans, or gays, or minorities. So I say fuck him!”
MSNBC’s Sunday news anchor, Alex Witt, also lauded Punxsutawney Phil’s suicide, stating: “If anyone…particularly some giant gerbil whose only talent is predicting six weeks of weather is really that insecure to kill itself over who the president is going to be, then he probably should.”
Added Witt, “Perhaps fellow Obama-haters should follow Punkawhoever Phil’s lead. Really, do us all a favor and end yourselves.”
Back in Punxsutawney, however, Moore and Witt’s comforting words are lost on a town not only devastated by the loss of their famous furry soothsayer, but also their only source of notoriety, thus tourism, thus income. Mayor Jim “Snake” Wehrle (yes, we know: what the mayor of a town like Punxsutawney is doing with the nickname “Snake” is just as baffling to us, too), told the AP that due to Phil’s death, Punxsutawney could lose nearly half its jobs, ironically adding another possible 3,000 people to the skyrocketing welfare rolls Phil allegedly raged about in his secluded den of despair.
“But (Obama) isn’t the only person Phil said he was upset about seeing for four more years of,” claimed the anonymous source from Punxsutawney’s police department to Duh Progressive, glancing about fretfully. “It seems Phil also wrote: ‘Unfortunately I also cannot see Michael Moore not blowing his brains out within the next four years, either. All the more reason I should do so now. I’m sorry, cursed humanity! Goodbye and good riddance.’ …Creepy, huh?”
UPDATE: The Associated Press has reported that as of 1:32 P.M. Punxsutawney Mayor Jim “Snake” Wehrle committed suicide after learning filmmaker Michael Moore was indeed still alive.
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