by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, DP official Muslim Civil War Re-Enactor
Thursday, February 21st, 2013,
(LOS ANGELES) —Want some more bass in your voice? Looking to put some extra hair on your chest or pep in your step? Well then, a curious celebrity–turned–chef is coming to your aid.
Testosterone–yearning you, meet Chaz Bono, Cher’s former daughter turned “son.” Chaz Bono, meet the testosterone–yearning you. The world’s most famous transgendered man has unveiled “his” own line of pasta sauce, and its name couldn’t be more fitting: Testosteroni.
“Testosteroni” is being touted as brining the essentials of an Italian pasta sauce to consumers’ plates, while having a more “potent” taste and extra zing only a woman-turned-man would know how to infuse into Italian cooking. Just like Paul Newman and other celebrities before her/him, Chaz has jumped into the culinary world, using his fame and to push his unique brand of Italian pasta sauce, a facet of Italian cooking for which Chaz says he’s always had a soft spot.
“Growing up, I just loved Italian food” said Bono, 43, to reporters last Tuesday. “And my favorite thing about Italian food was all its sauces. Even foods that didn’t require sauce, I put sauce on them –even used to eat it right out of the jar, nothing else, just pasta sauce for dinner.”
Making pasta sauces has been Bono’s longest and favorite hobbies, said the only (former) daughter of singer and actress Cher. And according to the one-time Dancing With the Stars contestant, gaining FDA approval for his Testosteroni sauce was a challenge, given its high levels of a “certain secret” ingredient.
Chaz Bono’s Testosteroni sauces have only been in grocery stores in Southern California and Arizona since last week. But already, according to sales reports, all lines of Testosteroni are flying off the shelves, from Chaz’s penizza and maninara sauces, to his tomato & ballsil and roasted girlick flavors. Some pasta sauce fans are saying they like Testosteroni simply because of its strong and distinctly salty taste. But to others, Testosteroni is more than just a sauce –it’s a symbol.
“I was born and raised to love Ragu spaghetti sauce. But I knew growing up I was different, into something else,” said Tiffany Delray, a 22-year-old at Southwestern Law School in Los Angeles, Tuesday. “That’s all my parents said we could have, what we ‘had to have,’ you know? But now that I’ve had Chaz Bono’s Testosteroni sauce I know… I know what I really want. I know who I really am inside.”
Delray, the youngest of four siblings described her conservative upbringing in the city of Fresno, where only Ragu pasta sauce was accepted. Exclaimed Delray as tears of relief and trepidation rolled down her face, “I’m so happy, but scared. I don’t know how I’ll tell my parents, but I must: I’m all Testosteroni now. No more Ragu. I can’t lie to myself anymore! I’m Testosteroni, damn it!”
Although not as intense or visceral of a reaction as Delray’s, 17-year-old Darcy Movado, cheerleading captain for southern California’s Monrovia High School, reported a similar experience after eating Bono’s tomato and ballsil favored Testosteroni last Friday. “It’s weird, but suddenly I don’t want to cheerlead for our football team anymore,” said a perplexed Movado. “I want to be its quarterback.”
Controversy: Arizona Authorities Taking Tough Look at “Testosteroni”
No one who has tried Chaz Bono’s Testosteroni sauces has denied their delectable taste, or feeling “more invigorated” after a few servings. This includes Amy Rezzonico, spokesperson for the Arizona Attorney General’s office. The state is delving into several claims of unusual changes in mood, looks, and sexual orientation by those who have eaten the curiously flavored Italian mixture.
Phoenix residents Samuel and Naomi Bashiry claim their six year old daughter, Sarah, has gone through “dramatic changes” in her personal appearance since first eating Testosteroni last week. Mr. and Mrs. Bashiry claim that, being a typical a kid, Sarah is a picky eater, only eating cereal and spaghetti. Last Monday when Bono’s Testosteroni sauce hit their local stores the Bashirys were eager to buy it for Sarah, as it was advertised as a good source of “ultra-ultra-ultra-ultra-extra protein and iron.”
Said a sniffling Mrs. Bashiry to Duh Progressive Wednesday, “We were worried little Sarah was too frail and tiny for her age. All her classmates dwarfed her. So we were looking for foods to ‘pep her up,’ you know? …But now, just after a week, look at her. Just look at her…because we can’t bear to anymore! Aughh..!”
Even though every bottle of Bono’s sauces explicitly states on its label that no person, of any age, should have more than one tablespoon of Testosteroni per month, AZ Attorney General’s office claims no ordinary customer should be expected to read the fine print on every edible product they buy, particularly products consumers have grown use to consuming copious amounts of per serving, like pasta sauce. “The Bashirys claim their daughter ate pasta multiple times a day, and had gone though eleven bottles –eleven bottles– since last week when they first bought it,” said Spokeswoman Rezzonico via phone interview Tuesday. “There’s no doubt in our minds Chaz Bono’s product had something to do with their daughter’s tragic physical changes. And we plan on a thorough investigation and if need be, full prosecution under the law.”
Continued Rezzonico, “I bought a bottle of Testosteroni, myself. It is good, I must admit. I’ve eaten half and will finish it, for sure. But I’m not buying anymore until it is determined this product is as safe to eat as any other pasta sauce.”
UPDATE: Duh Progressive has learned through undisclosed sources within the Arizona Attorney General’s office that Amy Rezzonico, its spokeswoman, has indeed finished her one bottle of Testosteroni sauce and is now looking like this:
(Serious note: Let it be known that Duh Progressive has nothing personal against Chaz Bono and actually admires her/his courage in a peculiar way, even as creepy and bizarre as it may be. But the idea for this article was too ridiculous to pass up. We encourage our readers to go easy on Chaz if they comment, and we wish Chaz a happy life, sincerely. We would also like to thank the lovely Kendra Adams for her "graphics" abilities, and highly recommend her for people's photoshopping needs: https://www.facebook.com/kendraM.adams)