Friday, June 21st, 2013,
(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, HONG KONG) — “AAAAAAAA! No, please! Aaaa! Aa…Aaaaaaaaaa…!”
Such are the humble words of the “new” Edward Snowden Friday, recanting his claims of massive U.S. government spying on Americans’ electronic communications, after Chinese officials, cooperating with the U.S., agreed to interrogate the now word-famous whistle-blower “just to set the record straight.”
Snowden, 29, became famous earlier this month when he disclosed to the international press that the U.S. government has been spying on virtually every citizen’s e-mails, on-line postings and phone calls via the National Security Agency (NSA), as part of its attempt to thwart terrorist attacks. From his recently unknown location in Hong Kong, Snowden, a former private contractor for the NSA, claimed to the British newspaper, The Guardian, that he “could not live in a society” that possessed such an immense network capable of spying on any of its citizens the way he claimed. Snowden’s confessions ignited a roaring debate over the government’s role in tracking suspected terrorists versus its Constitutional responsibility to respect the privacy of citizens.
Until now Snowden has remained in hiding in Hong Kong and has been rather strident in his admittance of his knowledge of how widely the federal government had been “collecting data” on Americans. But as of 1:30 AM, EST, Chinese authorities, cooperating with officials from the U.S. State Department and intelligence communities, released a video showing a “visibly shaken” Snowden admitting that he had “made the whole thing up,” and that there has never been a massive government program named “PRISM,” designed to scan every electronic communication made by Americans and foreigners in search of terror plots and “other illegal activities.”
Snowden appeared on Hong Kong television Friday looking rather disheveled and shaken, and as one British reporter described “a bit peaked.”
Admitting to fabricating the entire NSA PRISM program for his own twisted gratification, Snowden, with his right eyeball dangling on his cheek and only one tooth left in his head, said, sobbing hysterically, “I…I…I swear! I made the whole thing up! I swear! No snooping has been going on since I was with the NSA or any other…AAAAAA..!!!” Snowden briefly paused as a resounding jolt of electricity was heard in the background and Snowden lurched in his seat in excruciating pain.
“Not good enough!” said a deep and distinctly American-accented voice in the background, followed by someone barking in Mandarin. “Let’s try this again, Mr. Snowden.”
“Okay! O…Okay…!” Snowden revised, heaving. “There has n…ever been a pro…program, before I was working for the NSA or ever….ever, right?...that spied on millions of Americans’ phone calls or internet chatter. I would never take part in such a program if it had…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Snowden was interrupted by another buzzing sound of electricity and a light plume of smoke rising from an unknown area below the camera frame. The deep America voice then reiterated, “But you’re only talking about the NSA, Mr. Snowden. Now, please, be honest: has there ever been any program of any branch of the U.S. government that could, has, or will do the awful things you alleged? Be truthful now, Mr. Snowden. Your country is counting on you, as well as your family and that pretty little girlfriend of yours…”
In the grainy video Snowden makes an attempt to respond, but instead vomits on himself and begins crying uncontrollably, his dislodged eyeball wobbling all the way.
Back in Washington a confident White House Press Secretary Jay Carney declared the newest “Snowden interview” proof that the former NSA contractor was what the administration had suspected all along —a disgruntled, narcissistic employee who, for whatever reason, had decided to lash out at the government with lies and earn his 15 minutes of fame. Said Carney to White House reporters, “It’s clear the video shows a calm, relaxed, and resolved (Snowden) freely admitting to lying over the last couple weeks.”
“But the poor bastard is bleeding with only one eye and a (expletive) gun to his head!” shouted Fox News reporter Ed Henry to Carney. Replied Carney, “Our experts have looked at the video and cannot conclude what that object next to Mr. Snowden’s head is. And who is to say (Snowden) simply didn’t fall down some stairs or bump his head on the way to the interview? It could just be just a bad makeup job. I think you’re reaching here, Ed, as Fox News often does.”
A press release from the office of NSA Chief General Keith Alexander agreed with Carney’s assessment, saying Gen. Alexander and other intelligence officials who testified before Congress earlier this week about the PRISM program had it confused with other massive and domestic spy programs in nations like Iran and Russia. “We must have been confused. We thought we were being questioned about other nations,” read Gen. Alexander’s statement. “That PRISON-thing or whatever it’s called is used by other countries, not ours. We were confused during our testimony about that. …Our intelligence gathering methods in no way infringe on the privacy of innocent civilians or violate the U.S. Constitution, ever.”
Concluded Gen. Alexander’s press release, “…Now, can I have my wife and daughters back, please?”
Other U.S. intelligence operatives working with Hong Kong authorities say that since Edward Snowden has now admitted he lied about the scope and invasiveness of the government’s surveillance techniques, no charges will be filed against him and he will be sent home to his girlfriend and family. An anonymous U.S. “intelligence source” from Hong Kong told the the UK's Guardian that Mr. Snowden’s parents should expect to be reunited with their son within days, so long as they can agree on which piece of him they would like to be reunited with first.