by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief,
Sunday, August 18th, 2013,
(WASHINGTON) — During his term so far President Obama has received much criticism from both the Right and Left over the number and length of the vacations he and his family take. But now such criticism and condemnations of Obama’s habitual taxpayer-funded getaways have worn on the President to the point where he can no longer deny it: Obama is suffering from an addiction, the likes of any other drug addict… to vacations.
While returning from his latest vacation to Massachusetts’ classy Martha’s Vineyard, the White House announced Sunday that the President will be entering a professional rehabilitation facility for his vacation addiction, making Obama the first U.S. president in history to go into “rehab” for anything (not that others shouldn’t have).
A somber Deputy White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest (i.e. “trav sec”) told reporters Sunday that the President will be receiving “intense evaluation and treatment for his ‘vaca’ compulsion,” beginning next Friday after work.
“The President is aware of the constant (criticism) of his vacation–taking, and has finally come to realize that he has a problem,” Earnest said to reporters aboard Air Force One Sunday afternoon. “And we’re proud of him. After all, the first step to overcoming addiction is to admit one has a problem. And the President has done that. It’s a very brave, bold step by him. America should be proud of him.”
From Martha’s Vineyard, to Hawaii, Aspen, Orlando, etc., Obama has spent an estimated 16,755,000 dollars on vacations since taking office; a most costly addiction, to be sure.
The President has been approached before by close friends and staff who have suggested he may be suffering from “vacation addiction,” but firmly dismissed such suggestions. “I don’t have any more of an addiction to visiting extravagant locations for some downtime as Janis Joplin did to heroin,” the President reportedly snapped to one concerned White House staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “…Now, have you booked my suite yet at Caesar’s Palace, or do I have to do everything around here myself?!”
According to Deputy Press Secretary Earnest, the President is very embarrassed yet relieved to come to such a long awaiting and difficult decision to seek professional help, in an age where any public figure’s slightest meltdowns or misbehavior is automatically dealt with —and thus presumably excused— via a stint in “rehab.”
Added Earnest, Sunday, “…Not only should the nation be proud Mr. Obama is finally dealing with his addiction, but even more proud of where he chose to seek help. It’s undoubtedly the best addiction treatment centers in the world: the Bahamas’ Atlantis Resort and Spa!”
Indeed, the world famous 142-acre Atlantis Resort and Spa has unexpectedly grown renowned for their new “addiction recovery center,” located just a couple-hundred yards away from its beautiful white sand beaches, boat and scuba equipment rental house, impeccably glorious pools, waterslides, massage parlors, spas, jacuzzis, its roaring 24-hour nightclubs and bars, cigar lounges, and nearly a stone’s throw away from its immaculate and enormous 18-hole golf course. The resort also sports numerous mini-golf courses, too, making it undoubtedly the world’s most reliable destination for anyone seeking a cure from any addiction, particularly “vacation addiction,” like Mr. Obama.
Atlantis Resort and Spa’s General Manager, Lonise Carey, said the famed, mind-blowingly luxurious getaway is “honored and humbled” to have the President choose it for the grueling therapy he will endure once he arrives to the resort and enters its rehab facility, headed by Chief Psychiatrist and Addiction Specialist, Dr. James Hendrix.
“We at the heavenly and endlessly fun resort of Atlantis are delighted in being the place President Obama chose to fight and overcome his addiction to vacationing at heavenly and endlessly fun destinations,” said Mr. Carey to reporters, Sunday evening. “I just hope the rigorous treatment regimen Dr. Hendrix has our ‘recovery guests’ adhere to is not too much for Mr. Obama. It is quite strict. …But if Mr. Obama feels he needs a break from the onerous demands of Dr. Hendrix’s, there’re always our pools, spas, bars, and golf courses he can retreat to for a breather. After all, who can be cured of ‘vacation addiction’ without taking a break once in a while?”
The President and his family, with daughters Sasha and Malia already puffing up their inner-tubes in anticipation of the “vacation recovery getaway,” are rumored not to publicly speak of the treatment excursion until Obama returns from Atlantis in late October or November, or December.
“There’s only so many vacations a man can take before he ‘breaks,’ especially when the rest of his country’s paying for them,” said celebrity psychologist, Dr. Phillip McGraw (aka “Dr. Phil) on his website, Sunday. “I’m praying for President Obama to recover from this horrible vacation addiction. It’s no less an addiction than one has to crystal meth or cocaine or opiates. Habitual vacation–taking is growing to be one of the most common addictions among overrated, empty-suited politicians and celebrities today…not meaning to sound redundant.”
Will Obama Rehab Impact His Performance as President?_Americans React:
The White House assured reporters Sunday that the President will be in constant contact with his staff and be kept aware of national and global events, just like he is now with Egypt and was last September 11th with Benghazi. Vice President Joe Biden issued a formal statement Sunday, declaring that Obama’s admittance to Atlantis Resort’s addiction recovery center will in no way hinder the President of his duties as Commander-in-Chief, stating: “President Obama will maintain all executive powers and duties during this trying time. He will still be functioning as Chief Executive during this getaway to recover from too much getting away. We will do everything to help him overcome this devastating addiction to which he has finally admitted.”
Such was the formal statement from Mr. Biden’s office. However when asked in–person by reporters of his personal thoughts on Obama’s unfortunate stint in “vaca rehab”, Biden was quoted, “I befdfbdfk, jedttweb. We adibfekfb….kefb dj j a fdkbcv. Kombudydyyewk, and Obama ereibfbe dfbdf op fge djd qpnsbd gsgwhwk. …In other words: The wwodhfva n y hsgwat mfkf anthto wpdjy, the President.”
Biden’s personal statements were reassuring for some in the press, however left others uncomfortable, as Fox News’ The Five co-host, Greg Gutfeld, said Sunday, “Look, I understand peoples’ concerns (for Obama) and Joe Biden’s comment of ‘The wwodhfva n y hsgwat mfkf anthtothhh wpdjy’. I agree with (Biden) on that. That’s the most coherent thing I’ve heard from Biden in five years. But what does this say about the stability of America’s Chief Executive? …And if Atlantis’ ‘rehab’ center doesn’t work for a man addicted to using other people’s money to habitually vacation, what then..?”
Fox’s Gutfeld needn’t worry about any if-rehab-doesn’t-work- then-what-then, according to none other than former president Bill Clinton. When questioned Sunday by reporters on Obama’s admitted addiction and pending treatment, Clinton said, “I’ve always held true that a person should admit when they have a problem…as I did. We all should wish for Barack’s quick recovery from his uncontrollable desire to vacation.”
The former president went on to pray for Obama, whom everyone knows he just so adores, stating, “I think Atlantis Resort and all was a good choice for (Obama) to go to recover from his addiction to taking vacations while in office. …But in the future, if I may recommend an even better location to recover from habitual debauchery —France’s south coast resort of Cap d’Agde … That’s always worked for me.”
(WARNING, NO JOKE: The link to “Cap d’Agde” may not be safe for work and should be viewed in privacy).
UPDATE: Atlantis’ Chief Psychiatrist and Addiction Specialist, James Hendrix, PhD, succumbed to an overdose of barbiturates, this evening. He will be replaced by well-known Los Angeles addiction specialist, Dr. Christina M. Farley.