by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor,
Wednesday, November 27th, 2013,
(WASHINGTON) —As families across America gather around the table this Thanksgiving they may want to pay closer attention to the name, “Thanksgiving.” They may be bidding it goodbye altogether, if a few members of Congress get their way.
House Bill HR-3310, proposed by Republican Congressman Peter King of New York would change the name of the most American of America’s holidays, dropping the “giving” in “Thanksgiving” and replacing it with “taking” instead, thereby making the fourth Thursdayof every November officially “Thankstaking.” Congress has the power to designate and name federal holidays and days of particular significance. Now it may be changing one of America’s oldest and most cherished.
Congressman King defended his bill Wednesday afternoon before leaving to spend “Thankstaking” in his home district in New York state. “Look, let’s cut the crap,” said the notoriously cantankerous congressman and Chairman of the Sub-Committee on Counter-Terrorism and Intelligence. “Thanksgiving was originally a day for Americans to appreciate the birth of this country and celebrate all that they have been able to achieve in what was once the freest nation on earth. But let’s be real: how many Americans know that anymore? How many Americans even pause to give thanks to one another and be grateful for what they have, even if it isn’t a lot? I say not many.”
King added that Thanksgiving has long lost its original patriotic spirit and any hint of altruism, leaving it a vapid, wasted day where fat, slovenly, narcissistic contemporary Americans only think about stuffing their faces and what they can receive from others; not thanking God or each other for what they have already.
“We sit around the table and throw out hints of what we want for Christmas, think about how not to get trampled to death at a Wal-Mart the next day, then secretly bitch to each other about ‘Aunt Mable’s’ shitty turkey dressing and taking pictures with our little faggy cell phones to put on Facebook —because the whole world is just dying to know what we’re all eating and doing for Thanksgiving, right?!— and talking about ourselves to rarely seen relatives instead of asking about them and their lives..!” muttered King, 69, in an apparent state of depression. “This holiday is screwed! The whole country is screwed! We’re broke, losing privacy, freedoms, intelligence, critical thinking abilities and only care about what we can get from each other, including the gover…NO, especially the government!”
Stunned fellow Congressmen and women present for King’s introduction of his name-changing bill, the “Cutting the Crap on Thanksgiving Act of 2013” sat silent, some aghast, others in peculiar awe of the outspoken Congressman from New York’s 2nd district. Congresswoman and fellow New Yorker Louise Slaughter (D-NY 25) concluded that the 11th–term Congressman was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, or perhaps even a medical emergency, such as a brain aneurism.
Said Slaughter to Duh Progressive’s crack reporters in the Capitol, Wednesday, “Changing the name of Thanksgiving to ‘Thankstaking’ just to make a point about where our nation is headed? That’s disgraceful! Its’ untrue and disrespectful, especially to the Pilgrims who sat with the Vikings to celebrate this day a hundred years ago and to those who died in the Civil War.”
Rep. King has been rumored to have slumped into a deep state of despair over the past year, becoming more withdrawn as scandal after scandal has rocked Washington since President Obama’s re-election. Some fellow members on the King’s Homeland Security Committee claim he may be suffering the onset of dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease, while others say King is simply an eccentric man who has reached his breaking point; the implementation of Obamacare and all of its calamitous fallouut finally causing the representative to “crack”, as well as the rise of those on disability, food stamps, Medicaid, unemployed or have given up looking for work at all.
Nervous breakdowns and possible “gag bills” set aside, some of King’s colleagues understand and support him in his “Cutting the Crap on Thanksgiving Act”. Indeed, Thanksgiving, and the national culture in general has become more about what people can receive rather than their being thankful for the creation of the nation and what they can do for others, according to Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). Blackburn said Wednesday afternoon that Peter King, admittedly an odd man, has a point in changing Thanksgiving to “Thankstaking.”
“Last year forty-seven percent of Americans were chastised as lazy, as drains on society, lacking motivation, as ‘takers’, not ‘makers’,” said Blackburn to reporters outside her House office Wednesday. “Well, guess what? Mitt Romney was right! Maybe not forty-seven percent of Americans are self-centered, vampiristic slobs, but a hell of a lot are! …Okay, maybe forty-six percent.”
“Well, it’s about time those ‘47-percent’ of ‘takers’ have their day; a day all to themselves,” Blackburn added. “And what better day could that be than a day all about giving and being thankful? It’s perfect! We’re not a nation of givers and creators anymore. We’re takers. …So the hell with it! I say: ‘We’re takers, hear us roar!’ Enough of this altruistic ‘giving crap’! Let’s be honest, as Mr. King wants to do, and proclaim ourselves as takers.”
It is highly doubtful if Congressman King’s bill will even be voted on, let alone passed. Either way, New York’s second Congress member has been true to form in invoking discussion, questions, thought and controversy in an age and country many political and cultural critics are considering the United States of Me-Me-Me.