by Diana Jameson, new DP intern reporter,
Sunday, December 22nd, 2013,
(WEST MONROE, LA) ”O, how the mighty hath fallen.” Tell that to Phil Robertson, the family patriarch and star of the Arts and Entertainment network’s hit series “Duck Dynasty,” who was suspended from the show last week after making “homophobic” and racist remarks in an interview with Gentleman’s Quarterly (GQ) magazine.
Robertson, who has never held back on expressing his views on homosexuality and his devout Christian faith (as well as the other stars of Duck Dynasty), has been ordered by the Art and Entertainment network to enter “Heterosexual Rehabilitation Camp;” the LGBT community’s counter to Christian-sponsored gay rehabilitation camps, where (mainly) gay teenagers are sent in hopes of being “deprogrammed” from being gay.
Results from “gay rehab” camps remain mixed since their creation in the 1980s and blossoming in the ‘90s. However “hetero rehab” camps are relatively new to the nation’s battle over sexual orientation; the first being opened in Aurora, Illinois in 2005 by gay and ardent “anti-bullying” activist Dan Savage. Their aim is just the opposite: convert adamantly straight people into being gay. Since then “hetero rehab” camps have sprung up in 11 states, mainly in the South. Their biggest claim to success so far has been in converting pop singer Justin Bieber from a potential teenage heartthrob to the flaming ladyboy he is today. Undoubtedly the “hetero rehab” movement is facing an uphill battle with the 67-year-old Phil Robertson, as the A&E network has demanded he spend a stint in Louisiana’s one and only heterosexual rehabilitation camp, Baton Rouge’s “Straight Away Rehabilitation and Recreational Center.”
“It’s either (Phil Robertson) entering ‘hetero rehab’ or else we cancel the whole show,” said A&E Senior Vice President of Corporate Communications, Michael Feeney, Sunday. “Someone with such fervent ‘homophobic’ views such as Mr. Robertson has to be ‘dealt with’,” added Feeney. And hetero rehab camp for the grizzled old swamp dweller is the only way out, lest the Duck Dynasty family wishes to lose their reality TV show, one of the most popular ever to air on cable television.
Added Feeney, “Phil’s going to have to be deprogrammed from being straight. That’s all there is to it. He either learns to love the ways of the gays, or else the (Robertson family) can find another network to air their stupid Jesus–freak show on. That’s no other choice: gay Phil or no Phil! …There will be either a gay on Duck Dynasty or else it will become Duck Die Nasty. It’s their choice.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Robertson will be handled with kindness and care as he goes through the ‘straight away’ process and becomes part of the LGBT community,” said Straight Away camp’s chief clinical psychologist Geoffrey Dubois, Sunday. Phil Robertson will undergo a litany of treatments, said Dr. Dubois, including being forced to watch hours of Richard Simmons work-out videos, listening to and forced to recite the lyrics to all of Bette Midler’s songs, watching ABC’s Modern Family, RuPaul’s Drag Race shows, and of course watching recordings of Justin Bieber’s concerts, Piers Morgan’s rants, and all of the Academy Award ceremonies since 1993.
Added Dr. Dubois, “Mr. Robertson will learn the error of the ‘era of his ways’. He will come to not only accept the LGBT community, but be part of it, and to espouse its culture on to the rest of the nation, whether they want it or not, or like it or not. We’ll teach him how to thrust his (new) sexuality in peoples’ faces at every opportunity and then become offended and cry ‘discrimination’ when people get tired of having the sexual proclivities and culture that is the fraction of a fraction of the population shoved before them every five minutes! …We’ll teach him how to be offended at the slightest notion that his new sexual identity is indeed a minority of America —and in all nations, really— and completely confuse the idea of being ‘accepted’ for having to be worshipped.”
Already there is outcry from Duck Dynasty fans against the network’s demands their star ruffian be “turned gay” at the Straight Away Rehabilitation and Recreational Center. Said conservative pundit and author Ann Coulter on Fox News over the weekend, “You’d think forcing Phil Robertson to shop at Urban Outfitters would be enough, or wearing cologne by Dolce Gabbana. …But no, they (the A&E network) has to make Phil gay, to really turn him gay. I don’t know if the Robertson family will put up with this demand by (A&E) to be packed into them, shoved down their throats.”
“Why can’t Phil just wear a Snuggie at the end of every episode? That would make him gay enough,” said Duck Dynasty fan Erin Brown, of Evansville, Indiana. Brown, like 14 million other Americans, has been following the adventures of the Duck Dynasty family since the show first aired in 2012.
A devout Christian, like the Robertsons, Brown doesn’t understand why Phil’s comments in GQ magazine (which he was asked to address, not volunteered to answer) have sparked such national/cultural turmoil. “I stand with Phil,” added Brown. “He only answered honestly to questions he was asked. And I don’t want the show to be taken away just because he was honest. I’m sorry that the great majority of Americans have some problems with gays, particularly gay culture, and the state of Black America today, like it or not. Lord, can’t (Phil) just put on some gold chrome teeth and some pink pumps and get it over with? I have some old fuchsia-colored Louboutin heels he can have, if that’s what it takes.”
The other members of the Duck Dynasty family have been silent so far on Phil Robertson’s forced stint in “hetero rehab”. It is rumored that the Robertsons are too afraid of being forced to listen to Bette Midler albums to complain. Who could blame them?
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