by D'Leereeus Johnson, new DP Managing Senior Editor,
Thursday, December 26th, 2013,
(UNITED STATES) — “Horror.” “Shock.” “Betrayal.” “Confusion.” “Son of a B**ch!” ….Those words and much more are being muttered and shouted today, December 26th, all across the nation, after Santa Claus reneged on his promise to Americans earlier this month that “if they liked their gifts, they could keep them”.
Over Christmas night, after Americans had just one day to enjoy the Christmas gifts they received, Santa Claus did an about-face, revisiting U.S. homes to take away the gifts men, women and children had wished for and woken up with on Christmas morning, and instead left them with gifts they neither have any use for or never wanted; eerily echoing another infamous promise made by a U.S. president recently about Americans’ ability to keep their health insurance plans and doctors…if they liked them.
Adding insult to injury, Claus also left millions of Christian families with eye-bulging bills to pay for the new gifts they never wanted. As expected, the North Pole’s phone lines and e-mail accounts have been melting down over the last day, as Americans desperately seek to find out #1: why did Santa do this, and #2: what can be done to rectify it; i.e. “change” it back, and be given back the gifts they wanted and had initially received.
Montgomery, Alabama residents Gale and Lois Dermont were particularly incensed when they awoke Thursday morning to find that the squeaky Mickey Mouse doll they bought for their one-year-old daughter, Angela, had been replaced by Santa Claus with a Norelco electric razor. Cried Mrs. Dermont to Duh Progressive Thursday, “My daughter is one-year-old….and is my daughter! A girl! What on earth does she need with an electric shaving razor?! She’ll never need that, ever! …We’re not Greek, you know!”
The Dermonts are anything but alone in their anger. Millions of American Christians are waking up in a state of shock and awe as the gifts they had asked from Santa have been replaced with gifts they did not want or need, and are stuck with bills for the unwanted gifts that are well beyond what they expected. Many families woke up thinking they had been burglarized, with frantic phone calls being made to police departments around the nation. However most calls stopped after the North Pole released a formal press statement addressing the unexpected gift exchange issue.
“Early this month Mr. Claus promised the nation’s Christians that if they liked their Christmas gifts they could keep them,” said Claus’s Chief Executive Elf and Spokesperson Marvin McGee in a press release Thursday morning. “Well, what Mr. Santa really meant was if you really were satisfied with your gifts, and had been receiving the same gifts for years from the same relative, such as a gift cards to the same store, and never had inquired as to how they could get better gifts, then they could keep their gifts they liked. Not the other way around” (a statement which makes no sense…just like the President’s).
The Claus himself could not be reached for comment, as he is spending his usual post one-night global trek on vacation, playing golf with President Obama in Hawaii.
Contrary to Chief Elf Marvin McGee’s explanation of what Santa Claus “really meant to really mean,” America’s Christians remain stunned and outraged, accusing Santa Claus of being everything from a simply incompetent misfit who fumbled on his promises to them, to a liar and ruthless egalitarian who knew all along he could not allow Americans to keep the gifts they asked for, particularly the middle class and upper-middle classes, and replace their gifts to make up for “generations of unequal gift receiving” in the United States.
Portland, Maine residents Theresa and Branson Leech say they are most disappointed with Santa Claus and his decision to exchange their gifts over night with ones they do not want, do not need, will never use, and know of no one else who can use them, as the 88 and 86-year-old married couple had their grandchildren order them on-line audio books about the American Revolution and socks and new pajamas, but awoke Thursday morning with a year’s supply of strawberry-flavored KY Jelly, gift certificates to Portland’s top Indian and sushi restaurants, and three boxes of Godiva chocolates, which the Leechs’ were told by their doctor in 2000 they could no longer eat due to their diabetes. “We’re pushing 90-years old and Santa Claus changes our gifts over night with this B.S?” said an enraged Mrs. Leech to Duh Progressive Thursday. “What on earth are we going to do with KY Jelly and gift certificates to these bizarre restaurants? Santa Clause –you back-stabbing bastard!”
However, like many American’s “Naughty or Nice” insurance plans they had signed up for with Santa, which they thought insured they would receive the gifts they requested, the Leechs did not bother to read their plan’s fine print, which states plainly that Santa Claus reserves the right to exchange the gifts Americans requested for gifts he finds more fitting for them, whether they like it or not.
“We apologize if some people are dismayed at their gifts being taken away and exchanged for other gifts they did not want or need, and stuck with bills for them that are totally outrageous,” said Santa’s chief elf Marvin McGee, Thursday.
The Dermonts of Montgomery, AL, for example, are now left having to pay an extra $59.99 for their one-year-old daughter’s Norelco electric razor, when its original retail price averages only $39.99. The Dermonts, like the rest of the country, are left wondering why they must pay more than double for gifts they did not request or want.
Said Brendan and Marie Wilkinson of Denver, Colorado, Thursday, “We’re on a tight budget. We’ve been on a tight budget for the last four years. Times are tough, and we could only afford our kids one Xbox One to share between them (the Wilkinsons have three children, seven-year-old twin boys and a five-year-old girl). “What are we going to do now with the kids having an electric screw-driver set to play with? And my husband and me having the new Furbies as gifts? And paying over 100-percent for screw sets and Furbies we didn’t even want?! This ain’t right! ….Talk about getting ‘screwed’!”
The Wilkinsons lived up to their “Naughty or Nice” insurance plans they signed with the North Pole years ago, where people would pay annual premiums to Santa Claus to get out of any “naughty” behavior they may do over the year and thus ensure they receive the gifts they requested for Christmas. Although such supposedly iron-clad policies have proved not to be worth the paper they were written on these days. That is the risk Santa Claus’ spokespeople says is the new reality now that Santa has embraced the same “egalitarian” mode of gift-giving adopted by some prominent U.S. politicians, whether or not the gifts those who are “nice” throughout the past year matters compared to those who were “naughty.”
“We’re sorry and we apologize if people are offended at our new system of spreading the gifts from people who were naughty throughout the year to those that were nice,” continued Chief Elf Marvin McGee in the North Pole’s formal statement, Thursday. “We’ve simply come to embrace the new reality that people who don’t really deserve to be rewarded for their (bad) behavior should be; but instead be given gifts from those who were ‘nice’. After all, we all make mistakes throughout the year. There needs to be more equality in results, not intentions now-a-days. That’s what Santa’s reneging on his promise that people can keep the gifts they requested is all about. …It’s about spreading the cheer…and thus wealth. Hell, isn’t that what America is all about today? Cheer up, guys!”
“Millions of Americans like us are waking up today to find their gifts completely different than what (we) asked for; what we wanted, and having to pay Santa MORE —more than double, in our case!— for gifts we (expletive) didn’t want in the first place,” added Gale Dermont, 39, Thursday. “This is sleazy. It’s underhanded and wrong. ‘If you like your Christmas gifts, you can keep them!’ ….that’s what Santa Claus promised this country weeks ago. Now it’s all a lie come to find out. …I just thank the Lord there aren’t more powerful people in the nation going back on even bigger and more important promises they made to us!”