"Now this is bullshit I can believe in."

- George Will

2013: ‘‘Duh’’ Year in Review –the ‘‘Duh-est’’ Year Yet!

 The Best & Worst (mostly worst) News of 2013 According to Duh Progressive

 
 

 January

1.)  Administration Hopes to Curb Gun Rights as Entire NRA Converts to Islam

 

 

 

2.)  Fleeing Californians Ponder Which State to Ruin Next

 

Hey, I hear North Dakota is a pretty free and prosperous state liberals can invade and totally fuck up in a matter of a couple generations!


February

3.)  Groundhog Day's Punxsutawney Phil Sees Four More Years of Obama, Shoots Himself!

 

This article was a hit, if not for its headline image alone. For some reason a photoshoped pic of a groundhog that's blown its brains out just gets to people.

 

 

4.)  San Francisco Still Unaware It Was Even In Super Bowl

 

 

 

5.)  Marco Rubio Responds in Spanish, Calls Obama's SOTU Speech "Mucho Bullshito!"

 

 

 

6.)  Chaz Bono Launches Own Brand of Pasta Sauce -"Testosteroni"

 

 What is not funny about a transexual woman-turned-man producing "his" own line of pasta sauce called "Testosteroni"?  Apparently a lot, as this article was a complete flop.  Ya' never know, ya' know?  What you think will be a hit flops, and what you think will just perform decently blows up.  Satire: it's a total crapshoot!

 

 

 

March

7.)  Pelosi on Sequestration: "Millions of Americans have already died and don't even know it!"

 

 

 

8.)  HORROR:  Rand Paul 'Droned' In Senate While Making Speech Againt Domestic Drones!

 That's one rammed Rand!

 

9.)  Republicans Propose Combining E-Verify With 'eHarmony' Dating Site

Because if you're going to be deported, should't you at least be deported with that "special someone"?

 

 

10.)  Colorado Lawmaker Suggests Women Eat Chipotle to Prevent Rape

 

 

 

11.)  Mayor Bloomberg Bans Easter Bunny From Leaving Easter Eggs More Than One Inch Long

  The "Ban Man" strikes again!  Thank God we won't have to deal with this asshole in 2014.  Or maybe we should be careful what we wish for, given his replacement. 


April

12.)  Debate Over Gay Marriage Rages as Nuclear Missiles Fly Towards U.S.

 

 

 

13.)  Obama Warns North Korea: "Michigan will crush Louisville in NCAA Championship

 

 


14.)  Obama on Boston Bombing: "We'll get to the bottom of this just like we did with Benghazi

 After all, promises are promises.  Right, Mr. Prez?

 

 

15.)  SHOCK: FBI Arrests Grover Norquist in Connection with Boston Bombings!

 As if we couldn't have guessed!!!

 

 

16.)  Senator Dianne Feinstein Blames the NRA for the Boston Marathon Bombings

 

 


MAY

17.)  Study:  Socialism Works 98% of the Time It Is Imagined

We have no problem admitting that we do re-runs.  Some articles are yanked from retirement during a slow news cycle or because they were hits...and always to massage the ego of their writer(s).   

 

18.)  Economic Crisis Forces Detroit to Cancel Half Its Murders

 

   What I shame!  What a blow to the hub of American tranquility!  

 

  19.)  Infamous Abortion Doc Spared Execution, Given "Super Late-Late-Term Abortion" Instead

 

 

 

20.)  White House: "We knew about the IRS misconduct before we didn't know about it."

 

 

 

21.)  Obama Bursts Into Tears at Sight of Golf Course Destroyed by Tornado

 

 

 

June

22.)  Defense, Prosecutors Finally Agree on a Jury of George Zimmerman's Peers

 

 

 

23.)  Edward Snowden Now Curiously Recanting His Claims About Mass Spying

 Duh Progressive is a magnet for the most astute, insightful comments by readers who, umm, rode the "short bus" to school.  A viewer to this piece made the profound remark of "obviously photoshopped".  Maybe he was making a joke himself.  If not, God help in, and America!

 24.)  Amendment Would Allow Illegal Aliens to Ride Into U.S. on Giant Conveyor Belts

  

 

JULY

 

25.)  Obama on 4th of July: "I can't believe I have to give up a good day of golf for this crap!"

The “Faux Pas of July”:  Sometimes you write an article with only modest expectations.  This was one of them.  But “modest” it was not.  This article about a “hot mic'' catching President Obama muttering “I can’t believe I have to miss a good day of golf for this crap” on the Fourth of July was launched around 7 PM on July 4th.   By 7:00 AM the next day over 45,000 people had read it.  The site repeatedly crashed due to the traffic Obama’s “Faux Pas of July” received, prompting conspiracy theories that Duh Progressive  was taken down deliberately by the government.   In truth, the site was just overloaded, not taken down by the feds.   The “Faux Pas of July” ended up being the biggest article we have ever had to date, garnishing hundreds of thousands of new readers and Duh Progressive over a million hits in the month of July alone.  Most who read the headline and opening paragraphs believed it, helping it go viral and mentioned on such sites as Red State, MSN, Snopes, Free Republic, and many others.  People believed it initially because they believe we have a president in office currently who would actually say something this ignorant.  …AND WE DO!  

 

26.)  Trayvon Martin Witness, Nabisco Co. Team Up to Launch "Creepy-Ass Cracka" Crackers

 Not the most original idea, admittedly.  But we simply could not have lived with ourselves if we had let this article go unwritten.

 

27.)  City Votes to Ban "Whites Only" Wedding

 Das ist verboten, Mr. Wytes and Ms. Onley! (hey, with the Zimmerman trial going on, this article seemed timely to bring back from the dead)

 

 

28.)  President's Speech Takes So Long that Woman in Audience Dies, Completely Decomposes

 

 

 

AUGUST

29.)  Smoking Banned On Planet Mars!

 Hey, any time we can stick it to the anti-smoking, control freak Nazis, WE WILL!

 

 

30.)  Last Living Resident of Chicago Succumbs to Gunshot Wounds

 

 

 

31.)  Major League Baseball Player Fired for Having Last Name "Zimmerman"

 

 

 

32.)  President Obama Entering Rehab for Addiction to Vacations

 

 

 

33.)  Kathleen Sebelius: "There will be no 'death panels,' only groups of people deciding whether you live or die."

 

 


34.)  Obama Administration Teaching Taliban Fighter Yoga to "Relax"

 "Finger off the detonator, Achmed! Now!... Good.  Now remember your 'happy baby' pose.  Nameste!"       

 

SEPTEMBER

35.)  September 11th to be Officially Known as "National Muslim Shut the F**k Up Day"

 

 

 

36.)  White House Preparing for "Mother of All Non-Responses" for 9/11 Anniversary Attacks

 

 

37.)  STRIKE! - U.S. Bombards Syria with Over 200 "Ambivalent Patriot" Missiles!

 


 

38.)  SLOWDOWN APOLOGIES (the trials and tribulations of upgrading a website...building...growing STRONGER!)

Ahh, technical upgrades and building.  We'd rather sniff Nancy Pelosi's underwear for a whole week than deal with this techy crap for five minutes.  Such is life in the blogosphere. 

 

 


 October

39.)  Native American Activists Push for "Redskins" Name Change in Bid to Render Themselves SUPER EXTINCT

 

 

 

40.)  Report: Fifth Person Dies While Trying to Sign Up for Obamacare

 

 

 

41.)  Patients' Privacy Under Obamacare to Be Secured by Nigeria—Russian Owned Cyber Company  

Millions of Americans' personal health and financial information being "secured" by a joint Nigerian–Russian own cyber securtity company?  Gee, what could go wrong here?

 

 NOVEMBER

42.)  Obama Just Now Learning That He is President!

 No wonder he didn't know anything about the IRS, NSA, AP, Secret Service & Obamacare scandals —Oblunder didn't ever know he was President, for God's sake! Poor guy!

 

 

43.)  Obama's Job Approval Ratings Still High...Among His Children

 Touching: Nothing makes an unpopular man feel better than having his children tell him, "Everyone thinks you're an asshole dad, but we love you."

 

 

 

44.)  "Obamanese": 'Rosetta Stone' to Help Translate Obama, Administration Officials

 

 


45.)  Study: Bullying Affects Nation's Pansies, Creeps Most

We have been foaming so long to tackle this issue.  Every human f**king dilemma is now blamed on bullying!  Has it ever occurred to people, particularly parents of bullied kids, that little Johnny wouldn't be bullied if he wasn't a total creep and/or an enormous puss?!  Not really. No parent wants to admit their child is a weirdo or big pu**y.  Therefore we have taken the liberty of admitting it here for them.  There, now where's our "Thank you"?

46.)  Harry Reid Voted Washington's Sexiest Man of the Year

 

Nothing says “sexy” more than a 73-year-old empty suit who only cares about one thing: power, and screwing over his opponents, even if that means banishing over 200 years of procedural tradition just for immediate gain.   Ahhh…if only piranha could fly! 

 

 

 

 

 

47.)  Proposed Bill Would Rename Thanksgiving "Thankstaking"

 

 

48.)  Muslims Blaming Christianity, U.S. for Trampling Death of Muslim Man on Black Friday

 

 

 DECEMBER

49.)  Santa Claus Promises: "If you like your Christmas gifts, you can keep them!"

 

 

50.)  Michelle Obama Urges Children to Call Christmas "Plausible Deity Recognition Day"

 

 

 

51.)  Gay Rights Group Says Disliking "Fruitcake" is Homophobic

 

 

 

52.)  Duck Dynasty Star Forced Into "Heterosexual Rehab" Camp

 

 

 

53.)  "SantaCare" Exposed! - Santa Claus Reneges on Promise of "If you like your Christmas gifts, you can keep them!"

 

 

 

**Don’t Forget to Follow ‘Duh Progressive’ on TWITTER & FACEBOOK**

        Duh Progressive would like to again thank our readers for their loyalty and appreciation of our mission to calm nerves and bring a snarky perception of the idiocy in America today.   One who reads many of the comments by our readers may think they all believe these articles are real.   But for every one of those who believe the articles are true, there are ten others who know they’re satire, appreciate what we’re doing and love how we do it.   And we thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.   Hell, we even thank those who believe them! 

    This year has been one of the most eventful non-election years we can remember, and a certainly a rollercoaster for us  Duh Progressive would like to first thank the Republican Party Animals' Kendra Mallock for her help with graphics this year.  We strongly recommend her for all your Photoshop projects.  She's just a click away at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..     

     It’s also time we thank our staff of highly skilled journalists and freelancers, beginning with Jack Lakeman, our Editor-in-Chief, Michael Madshack, our Assistant Editor,  Senior Managing Editor D’Leereeus Johnson,  reporters Joel Legnutt, Diana Jameson, Hamilton-Tucker-Chase-Taylor-Sevenlocks III, Denise Half-Black-Half-White-Non-Biased-Female, Samsung Galaxy, and of course Ledge Slater, our perpetual intern and stud.   

     We also thank Town Hall columnist and Clash Daily producer Doug Giles, for accepting and posting our articles on Clash.  We thank (real) reporter Graham Ledger of the One America News Network’s Daily Ledger show for allowing “us” (Nick Taxia) to appear on his show (even if it is under the threat of death sometimes).  And of course, last but HARDLY least, Michael DeSantis, our original tech guru, who got this who thing started in 2008 when this site was supposed to be just a goofy hobby.   It was no longer a hobby by the end of 2010.

    The year 2013 was one many wish to forget, but not for us.  We wish to forget NO YEAR that has Duh Progressive up and people reading our material and helping to ease the tension in a country that is seemingly losing its collective mind day by day.   We thank you all so much and look forward to an even more prosperous 2014!  Thank you and God bless!!

     —DuhProgressive.com

 

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