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Obama Confesses in New Woodward Book: ‘‘I’m totally out of my ass!’’

 Out_of_my_ass_crying

 

 

by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief,

Thursday, January 23rd, 2014,

(WASHINGTON) —A pending tell-all book about the behind the scenes antics of President Obama in the White House may be the death knell for a president Americans already consider dishonest and plagued with low job approval ratings.

     Iconic Washington journalist and writer Bob Woodward, who has been known to complete entire 300-plus page books while in the shower, is allegedly completing the finishing touches on his latest book about the chaos that has enveloped President Obama’s second term in office, all as the President prepares for his sixth State of the Union address next Tuesday.

   The exposé book, rumored to be titled “Oh Shit, You Again!” begins on the night of Obama’s victory over Republican opponent Mitt Romney and ends during the disastrous rollout of Obamacare and its problem-plagued website, Healthcare.gov.  Its title is allegedly based on former career White House bureaucrats’ whispered reactions upon seeing Obama re-enter the White House on the night of January 20, 2013.

     The longtime Washington beacon of insider information, Bob Woodward, is currently not breathing a word about his supposed “Oh Shit, You Again!” book, which details the havoc of not only a president slipping into the status of “lame duck,” but the unraveling of the man, Obama, personally. Woodward’s publisher, Simon and Schuster, had no comment about the rumored book and Obama’s quotes when contacted by Duh Progressive’s topnotch journalists, Wednesday. 

     Nevertheless rumors of Woodward’s “death knell tell-all book” are flying around Washington like confetti, invoking fear among already skittish Democrats seeking to distance themselves from the President, Obamacare, and his broken promise to Americans that “If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.” 

     Contrastingly, Republicans are foaming at yet another blow to Obama’s credibility and thus agenda, relishing in the rumored revelations from “Oh Shit, You Again!”; the most explosive of which is told by an unnamed assistant to Health and Human Service Secretary Kathleen Sebelius during an emergency meeting with President Obama in the White House when Obama was finally coming to grips with the revelation his “If you like your healthcare plan…(and doctor), you can keep (them)” promise was being discovered a falsehood.

  During that October 22nd meeting, claims Woodward’s anonymous source, Obama broke down in tears, crying about every scandal from the abuses by the IRS, to NSA’s intrusive spying, Benghazi-gate and Obamacare in front of roughly a dozen people in the Oval Office. “I thought I knew what I was doing,” the President sobbed. “I thought everything would be okay! But it’s not! I have vague, grand visions but can’t work out the most basic detail.   …I’m totally out of my ass!”

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     “I think the ‘I’m totally out of my ass’ statement pretty much sums up this man’s entire presidency, said Fox News contributor and columnist Charles Krauthammer to the Washington Examiner, Thursday. “Obama entered office as an ideologue and is breaking under the reality that he has to be more pragmatic, and not the redistributing, transformative Socialist he would have loved to have been to America’s bottom twenty-percent. He’s losing his mind in this supposed quote. A lot of presidents have. But with Obama, it’s different. He’s really out not just his ass, but his mind’s ass, and the ass of his mind!”

     Said former House Speaker Newt Gingrich on CNN’s Crossfire Thursday, “I’m not sure Americans should trust a president who is ‘out of his ass’. I know I want my presidents to be in their own asses, that’s for sure”.

     It’s amazing how presidents can think they can escape the memories and recounts of career White House staff, adjuncts and attachés, added Gingrich to former Obama advisor Van Jones, “No president can escape what they say in company that is bureaucratic in nature or dismissed by the president under negative circumstances.   They’ll come back to haunt them, believe me.”

    Other stunning revelations from “Oh Shit, You Again!” detail Obama’s frequent consultations with his trusty dog, Bo, who has reportedly given Obama important advice in the most crucial of matters, such as foreign policy and domestic energy policy.   Another alleged incident in “Oh Shit, You Again!” recounts a former aide’s witnessing Obama smoking a cigarette (which Obama has repeatedly claimed he’s quit) while on speaker phone with British Prime Minister James Cameron, but blowing his exhale into a party balloon so to lessen the smoke in the Oval Office. According to the source, the balloon became too bloated and slipped from Obama’s fingers, buzzing around the Oval Office with a blaring “flatulence” noise. “Dear Mr. President,” said the British PM, “but did you just let out a huge, tremendous anal expulsion of the most roaring of sorts?!” “Why, uh, yes I did,” proclaimed Obama, “…Excuse me, Mr. Cameron. I had to let one go.  You know how it is.”

     After that, claims Woodward’s source, the two recounted mutual public “gaseous expulsions” from the past that led to laughter and a mutual agreement on limited drone strikes in the Arabian Peninsula.

     But more sinister exchanges are also recalled by former Secret Service agents traveling with the President shortly before the government shutdown last September. Woodward alleges a Protective Detail agent recounted Obama wailing against Texas Senator Ted Cruz while in his limo. Obama allegedly discussed using the nuclear football presidents always accompany them to “nuke Cruz while in his home district”, then blaming it on Syria’s Assad regime as an excuse to nuke them back –“killing two birds with one stone,” Obama called it. Close advisors quickly convinced the President that such action would not be “prudent.” Obama reluctantly agreed.

     Other accounts of Woodward’s have Obama giving a secret call to Toronto Mayor Bob Ford, asking him, “Who’s your dealer? Just gimme a number, no names… Is that cool?”  

     On the growing scandal surrounding the 9/11 attacks on the American consulate in Benghazi, when Obama was first told that there was an attack in Benghazi he reportedly yelled out: “‘No, not ‘Benghazi’..?! That’s one of my favorite restaurants!”

     In a heated exchange between Obama and Senate Republicans on the issue of defunding the Affordable Care Act, days before the government shutdown, Obama and Kentucky Senator Rand Paul hotly wrangled:

    Sen. Paul: “…Do whatever you want, Mr. President! Go drone yourself! Okay?! ‘Drone you’!”

    Obama: “No, ‘drone you’!”

    Sen. Paul: “No, drone you, puto!

    Obama: “‘Puto?’ …Where’d that come from?”

     Sen. Paul: “Just practicing my Spanish for after you get amnesty pushed through, sir!”

     Another alleged quote from Obama is his reaction to being informed of the extent of the NSA’s domestic spying program: “Man, the boys at Amazon are going to love this!”

     U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice is also alleged to have called Obama over her fears of whether her previous lying about the motives behind the Benghazi could hinder her appointment as National Security Advisor, to which Obama replied: “Just tell me one thing.”

Rice: “Yes, Mr. President?”

Obama: “What are you wearing right now?”

    Lastly, and perhaps most ominously among Woodward's claims is a clarification on one of Obama's alleged quotes from another tell-all book, “Double Down, in which Obama reportedly tells close aides, I'm really good at killing people" in regards to his overseas drone strikes and secret commando raids, like the one which killed Osama bin Laden.  But according to Woodward's sources, Obama was not speaking about drone strikes or terrorists at all ...he was speaking about the elderly and terminally ill under the Affordable Care Act.

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