Thursday, March 27th, 2014,
(ROME) —In what is being described as a “daring” and “bold” move by many in both the national and international press, President Obama laid down more crippling punishments against Russia today by formally un-inviting Vladimir Putin to his birthday party.
Major world figures such as Obama need several months to plan events such as birthday parties (Obama’s is August 4th), including the drafting of a lengthy guest list, among which include many heads of state, prime ministers, and ambassadors. Until recently it was assumed that Russian President Vladimir Putin would be attending Obama’s 53rd birthday party, but to the international community’s shock, Obama bravely announced that as of Thursday, March 27th, Putin’s name had been removed from the growing list of guests, and that he will be doing anything on August 4th except attending the President’s birthday bash.
“As of today, President Vladimir Putin is not allowed to come to my birthday party in August. I formally disinvite him!” proclaimed Obama to international reporters following him to Rome, his newest stop in Europe, Thursday.
On Tuesday Obama helped convince the eight leading industrial nations in the world (the G8) in The Hague to suspend Russia from its ranks, effectively making it the “G7” for the foreseeable future, or until Russia withdraws from the Crimean Peninsula and ceases its aggressive stance towards the Ukraine and other neighbors. Among being expelled from the world’s most elite group of inter-trading industrial powers, Obama tightened the screws on Russia even more by announcing increasing economic sanctions on Tuesday. But the death blow to Vladimir Putin and what many are seeing as his obvious attempts at reestablishing Moscow’s former dominance in the world may be Obama’s birthday party rejection.
“Even the use of military force would be preferable to a lot of world leaders than to be presumably invited, then not invited to a president’s birthday party –particularly Barack Obama’s,” said nationally syndicated columnist and Fox News commentator Charles Krauthammer Thursday evening on the network’s Special Report with Bret Baier. “Being invited to an American president’s birthday party is always special. But for Barack Obama’s parties, with Beyoncé, Jay–Z, Oprah, Gwyneth Paltrow, Will Ferrell, and Steven Spielberg, Snoop Dogg and so many other crucial world leaders guaranteed to be there, I can’t imagine that this isn’t a resounding humiliation for Vladimir Putin. …This could be a real game-changer here.”
Stunned reporters looked at each other surreally as Obama went on during Thursday’s no-question-taking conference in Rome. “Until President Putin changes his posture towards the Ukraine and the Crimea, rolls back his forces from Ukraine’s border and adopts a more peaceful stance, I must exclude him from my birthday party guest list,” continued Obama. “Come August (4th), we will have clowns, the usual magicians, elephants, pony rides, an enormous birthday cake, ‘jungle juice’ for the adults, mini train rides for everyone, and fireworks, too. …And missing out on all that fun will be Russia’s Vladimir Putin. You stay home, Mr. Putin and learn how it feels to be left out of my birthday party, because you are no longer invited!”
As predicted from many Euro-Russian historians and experts, President Obama’s “un-inviting” Putin to his birthday party, even five months in advance, has sent a stinging message of rebuke to the strongman of Russia, as Putin was really looking forward to riding the elephants at Obama’s notoriously extravagant birthday parties, according to Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev.
Dealing with the news that he is no longer invited to Barack Obama’s birthday party, Vladimir Putin is reportedly “inconsolable with grief”, said Medvedev, and his trying to cope with his rejection as well as (expectedly) trying to get himself re-invited to Obama’s usual mega-birthday bash, but while also maintaining his policies towards Crimea and Ukraine. “(Putin) is very upset and disappointed by the news that he is no longer on Barack Obama’s birthday party guest list,” Medvedev told The Moscow Times, Thursday. “I have not seen him in-person since Mr. Obama’s announcement, but I’ve been told he’s been laying in bed a lot, crying into pillows. He’s already gone through several boxes of tissues. …I’m sure he’s doing everything can to rectify this situation so he can be able to play with Obama and the others at his birthday party.”
Although there is little hope of Putin having a spot reopen for him at the White House in August, according to President Obama. “…Actually, even if Mr. Putin withdrew his forces from Crimea today and moved away from the Ukraine’s borders, I still wouldn’t invite him to my birthday party. It’s a done deal. He needs to learn this lesson,” Obama continued to reporters, Thursday.
Whether revoking Putin’s invite to Obama’s birthday party will show the former KGB Lieutenant Colonel that Obama means business and will cause the Russian strongman to change his posture towards neighboring countries remains to be seen. However sources close to Vladimir Putin say the dictatorial president is willing to not move against any other nation as well as remove his troops away from the Ukrainian border in hopes of being invited to Obama’s birthday party next year.
On Thursday evening, however, the world heard from the horse’s mouth how Vladimir Putin is handling Obama’s birthday rejection. “I was raised and trained to be a hard-edged man,” Putin said in a brief statement on Russian state TV. “But I feel betrayed. It hurts. I’m willing to admit that. It hurts to be told that if you like your birthday invite you can keep it, only to find out later it’s a complete lie. I was really looking forward to seeing the clowns at (Obama’s) birthday party. I love clowns. …I don’t mean the circus kind. I’ll really miss seeing the ones in White House.”