by Ibrahim al-Lincoln, DP official Muslim Civil War re-enactor
Tuesday, May 6th, 2014,
(WASHINGTON) —Reeling from a week that saw stinging revelations of the Obama administration’s deviousness and cover-ups involving crucial information on the attacks on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, the White House announced today that the administration has hired none other than Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson to track down the real perpetrators behind the deadly attacks, once and for all.
Surprisingly, the White House admitted that hiring Simpson, with his notoriously remarkable detective skills, was done to help not only in its search for who the leaders of the September 11th, 2012 attacks on the U.S. compound that left Libyan ambassador Christopher Stevens and three other Americans dead, but also help it repair the damage done in the wake of last week’s release of incriminating e-mails linking the White House to the (cover-up) talking points about Benghazi and testimony from former Air Force General Robert Lovell saying the U.S. could have stopped the attacks.
During his daily White House briefing Press Secretary Jay Carney admitted to the “recent discord” and “misunderstandings” between the press and the administration concerning the Benghazi terrorist attacks two years ago, also admitting that the administration is sorry it has not done all it has to hunt down the plotters and leaders of the attacks, and that hiring the 66-year-old Simpson may help assuage much of the anger over the seeming inability of the administration to address the Benghazi issue and bring its perpetrators to justice.
“We hope that the hiring of O.J. Simpson to finally track down the persons responsible for the Benghazi attacks will help smooth over any hard feelings between the administration, the press, and the American people,” said Carney to the White House press corps. “We’re all aware of O.J. Simpson’s impeccable record in hunting down vicious, cold-blooded murderers, and have no doubt that O.J. will locate and bring to justice what, strangely, the entire United States military and intelligence agencies has not been able to in twenty months.”
Added Carney, “The administration sincerely apologizes for its past performance in relaying information about the 9/11 attacks in Libya and sincerely hopes that putting Detective Simpson on the case of who committed these crimes relieves some of the hostility between the press and administration officials.”
Simpson will receive a formal presidential pardon later this week, according to Department of Justice Press Secretary Kevin Lewis in a press release, freeing him from Nevada’s Lovelock Correctional Center (no, that’s no joke; a prison is actually named “Lovelock”) in which he has been incarcerated since 2008 after being convicted of kidnapping and armed robbery during an attempt to reclaim alleged stolen memorabilia of his in a Las Vegas hotel.
Whether or not Simpson will find the real organizers and participants in the Benghazi attacks is without question, according to Simpson’s lead attorney Yale Galanter. “O.J. Simpson is the greatest expert in murder mystery solving, as the entire world knows, and is more than willing and able to get to the bottom of these heinous attacks on the American consulate,” Galanter said to reporters outside the Lovelock Correctional Facility, Tuesday. “After almost two years of cover-ups, lies, misinformation, false leads, scapegoating, and obtuse behavior, my client and me are relieved that the U.S. State Department and Department of Justice have finally come to their senses and have done what they should have done in the first place.”
O.J. Simpson himself has not yet made any public statements on his presidential reprieve or his new charge in finding the real culprits behind the heinous Benghazi attacks. But according to Simpson attorney O.J. is “emphatic” upon the task of hunting down the terrorists who killed a U.S. ambassador and three others, beginning with an intensive search with President Obama on the Oak Creek Country Club and golf course in upstate New York next week...or month.