by Jonathan Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Wednesday, June 4th, 2014,
(CLEVELAND, OH) —Still suffering under an economy which seems to be hopelessly stuck in a rut, with America’s middle class no longer being the world’s wealthiest in decades, and with each new day birthing a new scandal that rocks the administration, President Obama tried to divert Americans’ attention Tuesday by honoring 11-year-old brothers Ian and Edmund Wilkenstein for their invention of what many commonly refer to as “The Fart Machine”, and its on-line cousin, “The Fart Board” (www.fart-sounds.net).
Giggling hysterically alongside the President during a brief stop at Cleveland’s Millride Elementary School, Tuesday, the adolescent Wilkenstein brothers proudly showed off their invention to Obama, who praised the boys’ “entrepreneurial spirit”, saying the Wilkensteins were “proof that America is still stronger, quicker and more innovative than any other nation when it comes to important technological developments in the Twenty-First Century.”
“Why, I don’t know about any of you, but I can’t even remember life before the invention of the ‘Fart Machine’,” the President said to reporters, teachers and fellow classmates of the Wilkinsteins. “And who even remembers the Internet before the days of ‘Fart-Sounds.net?’ Seriously, it almost makes one wonder if these young geniuses next to me, and their farts, were not what the Internet was invented for in the first place.”
Having been interested in electronics and web development since kindergarten, the Wilkenstein brothers finally succeeded in creating the “Fart Machine”, a pocket-sized plastic speaker with various buttons, each producing different tones and lengths of human gaseous expulsions. Soon to follow was the Wilkensteins’ more elaborate on-line version, the “Fart Board,” touting an impressive 39 different types of anally produced noises on demand by the mere stroke of a keyboard. According to the Wilkensteins, the site routinely crashes due to the stampede in traffic (much like Duh Progressive recently).
“There’s the ‘Ripper-Dripper’ and ‘Blast-Of-Broccoli,’ Mr. President,” said Eddie Wilkenstein, showing Obama which button to push to produce a clear sound of flatulence accompanied by an elegant touch of liquid excrement.
According to Ian and Eddie’s parents, Joel and Sara Wilkenstein, they have been perplexed at their pubescent sons’ success with mass-marketing the plastic, palm-sized flatulence mimickers, which were produced by a longtime family friend who owns a computer and assorted electronics repair shop in the suburbs of Cleveland.
Said an embarrassed-looking Mrs. Wilkenstein to Duh Progressive, Tuesday, “Our sons are just your average pubescent boys who are in that whole belching-farting-gross-body-functions phase. They’re just kids. It just happens they were able to invent this ‘fart contraption.’ Trust me –they’ll invent something of actual value to society one day.”
However, according to President Obama, the Wilkenstein’s “magnificent” Fart Machine and subsequent on-line Fart Board are of tremendous value to society, exemplifying America’s “can-do spirit” that critics claim has all but vanished under his tutelage.
“They say America has lost its edge; that we can’t compete on the world stage of ingenuity anymore..!” added the President, pointing at the Wilkenstein brothers and their blushing parents in their classroom. “Well, here you go; here’s the proof: two smart, brave, gifted young men, having the brains, the drive, and the farts, to go ahead and pursue their dream, and help change America…with their fart machine!”
Outside of the their classroom and conference at Cleveland’s Millridge Elementary School, fellow classmates of the Wilkensteins’ keeled over with laughter as they watched the brothers’ being hailed by the President on Millridge’s closed-circuit TVs. Ten-year-old Luis Garcia said he has been friends with the Wilkensteins since the second grade, but could not believe their “luck” in having President Obama single them out as a symbol of American ingenuity. Said Garcia to Duh Progressive Tuesday before wetting his pants, “It’s like, it’s like, it’s like…I always knew Ian and Eddie were into inventing things, but the president calling them out for their fart machi…it’s just…b…baahhh-hah-haaa-haaaa…!” Then the wetting of Garcia's pants commenced.
“It’s a sad state when (President Obama) has to honor pubescent boys who invented a trinket and then website that does nothing but produces farts,” commented the Wilkensteins’ fifth grade teacher, Mary Schimmel. Schimmel, 32, added that although she was proud of her students for being so “creative,” if this was “the best” President Obama could do to prove America still held the edge in global ingenuity, she “seriously regrets” voting for him.
UPDATE: Mrs. Schimmel was fired by the Ohio State School Board on Wednesday, following the comments she made in her interview. But sources close to Schimmel say she has already found a new job at Cleveland’s Platinum Horse Brook Park Gentlemen’s Club along Brookpark Road, off Outerbelt South Freeway in Cleveland, beginning next week. No word yet on whether she will be farting or not while performing.