Thursday, December 11, 2014,
(LANGLEY, VA) —The embattled Central Intelligence Agency (C.I.A.) which took a humiliating punch Tuesday by a scathing report from Senator Dianne Feinstein's Senate Select Committee on Intelligence is wasting no time making a peculiar apology which will no doubt stoke further controversy.
Responding to the Senate committee's shocking findings from its investigation, nicknamed the "Torture Report" concerning the C.I.A.'s interrogation tactics of captured and suspected terrorists in aftermath of 9/11/01, the C.I.A. formally issued an apology to the nation...for not having tortured Democrat members of Congress, too!
Indeed, the agency the Senate Intelligence Committee said mislead President Bush and many other high government officials on exactly how brutal and widespread its enhanced interrogation tactics were, said that it regretted not using even harsher techniques, which the C.I.A. said would have made waterboarding and sleep deprivation look like "love-making" to members of Congress they claim "posed a greater danger to the safety and freedom of Americans than any Muslim extremist group".
From waterboarding more frequently and more prisoners than it previously said, to forcing prisoners to soil themselves, showering them with ice-cold water, beatings and starvation, Senator Feinstein's "torture report" details not only a Central Intelligence Agency with tentacles reaching much farther and brutal than previously thought after 9/11/01, but of a C.I.A. that actually cared about preventing further attacks on Americans and was willing to do what was necessary to stop them, be they at home or abroad (something Feinstein and fellow Democrats on the Intelligence Committee seem completely apathetic about), and not get stuck "gazing up its own asshole of moral superiority", the agency's response said.
According to the C.I.A.'s Office of Inspector General, members of Congress, such as Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Chuck Schumer (D-NY), former representative Barney Frank (D-MA), Keith Ellison (D-NY), Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX), and a slew of other representatives and cultural and entertainment leaders "just as deserving to be tortured", such as Rev. Al Sharpton and then a much younger Justin Beiber, were ordered to be left alone by former President Bush, despite operatives' fierce pleas that such law and "culture shapers" be dealt with before they "do something really insane, such as destroy the nation's healthcare system one day or make millions of illegal immigrants legal overnight!"
"Our greatest regret in keeping Americans safe and free is concentrating on people who we believed directly had involvement in al-Qaeda, Taliban and affiliate groups, not our own politicians, entertainers, and social 'leaders' whose policies and actions posed just as great of a danger to the U.S." read the C.I.A.'s response. "That is our greatest lack of judgment in looking back on the safety we provided the American people, as well as for sanity and freedom in general. For this, we are deeply sorry."
The agency's response is also an internal report and self-analysis, detailing struggles and disagreement's within the agency's top leaders and contractors on the ground, as disagreements broke out routinely after 9/11 and the U.S.–led invasion of Afghanistan. In one instance an interrogator the agency calls "Agent Four" writes to his commanding officer in their secret location in Poland at the time asking why is he waterboarding a terrorist captured in Afghanistan "when Nancy Pelosi is still at large and more dangerous than ever".
"Agent Four" was eventually transferred to a desk job in Dallas, his hopes of torturing Nancy Pelosi never realized. Other agents routinely asked the agency's top brass, including current C.I.A. Director John Brennan why not interrogate "the true threats to U.S. freedom and security", namely Democrat lawmakers in Congress, pop music stars, most of college academia, and others who influence public discourse, such as film maker Michael Moore and the entire cast of The View. "But the biggest concern was members of Congress," the agency's response to the Senate's report contests. "If only we would have had our priorities straight and gone after who the biggest threats to America from the start, then there would have not been Ms. Feinsetin's damaging report in the first place," the C.I.A. said.
"We wasted valuable time and resources tracking and shipping terrorists and combatants with radical ties around the world while ignoring the biggest threats of all, Congress members, specifically Dianne Feinstein, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton when they were just senators," the C.I.A. said. "We cannot apologize enough to the American people for our mistake in not apprehending and torturing these dangerous criminals when we had a chance, and giving them the most intense interrogation possible...blow-torches, pliers, Tabasco Sauce enemas and the like."
George Tenet, former Director for Central Intelligence at the C.I.A. under President George W. Bush said to reporters Wednesday that although he and his underlings discussed the possibility of taking into custody Senator Dianne Feinstein in particular, as Tenet said "she was bound to make trouble and put Americans' lives at risk, or help push efforts to confiscate lawfully purchased firearms from the public."
"(Feinstein) was no good. Never was or will be," Tenet told Duh Progressive by phone interview. "We wanted to waterboard Senator Feinstein so bad —even before 9/11!" According to Tenet, he and high-ranking anti-terror operatives in the agency held a couple secret meetings not mentioned in the Senate's committee's report Tuesday, during which "handling" of various politicians that harmed America the most were discussed. "...In fact some of us suggested that maybe we place (Feinstein's) head completely underwater until she stopped breathing or moving!" recalled Tenet. "Then some of us realized, 'Wait a minute, wouldn't that be, like, drowning...you know, 'murder'? So unfortunately we abandoned the idea. ...Too bad, now the old bitch and her fellow commie committee buddies have put countless Americans at risk. Man, would I like to clamp some 100-volt electrodes to her old crusty nips, or kneecaps...same location on her at her age."
Through the forests of self-flagellation and cries of "(The C.I.A.'s) behavior doesn't represent American values", and "This is not who we are" coming from President Obama down to liberal House members and celebrities, former Vice President Dick Cheney was quoted by the Associated Press Wednesday as saying the old "poisoned-umbrella-tip-in-the-thigh" trick could still apply if any more reports about clandestine operations designed to prevents acts terrorism against the United States are released.
Said the former Vice President Wednesday, "It makes you wonder who is more dangerous: the Islamists who want to kill us and bring down our economy, or those who would naively let them kill us and destroy our economy? ...But I'm not sure if I would have gone so far as to waterboard Dianne Feinstein, because then she would have gotten wet and that could have caused a whole 'wet-T-shirt-contest-look thing' with her old, Shar Pei-dog-looking-skin! I mean, just imagining Dianne Feinstein appear wet and partially naked? —now THAT is 'torture'. ...It's certainly doesn't represent the values we hold as Americans."