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Study: Thinking of Jeb Bush As President Totally Reverses Effects of Viagra!

 

 

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by D’Leereeus Johnson, DP Assistant Editor,

Monday, February 2nd, 2015,

(VIRGINIA BEACH, VA) —After a long week of toiling away at their jobs and making sure their teenage kids were asleep, Virginia Beach parents Lauren and Daryl Brenton split a bottle of Malbec, Daryl popped the now famous blue Viagra pill and the couple snuggled into their bed for a night of nookie. The Brentons enjoy a healthy sex-life for a couple now married 22 years and in their late 40s. However, on this night, no amount of wine or foreplay, or especially any Viagra Mr. Brenton popped could stop the inevitable “disaster”.

     To prevent their kids, Ryan, 15, and Silvia, 17, from hearing their sex, Mr. and Mrs. Brenton routinely leave their bedroom’s television on to mask their moans of passion. But last Friday, as their TV, tuned to CNN, ran a short story about how former Florida governor Jeb Bush would likely be the 2016 Republican nominee but was polling neck and neck with Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, and was the only candidate in America with any chance of beating Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election; hence Jeb Bush being president.

     “And so that was it,” Mr. Brenton told reporters of him thinking of Jeb Bush running for president, last Wednesday, “my faithful old ‘soldier wouldn’t salute’ anymore. What else can I say?   ...Once hearing over the moans of my wife the words ‘Jeb... Bush... running... President...Republican nominee’, I just couldn’t maintain an erection anymore. My penis not only fell flaccid, but almost curled right up into my body cavity! It was so depressing...and I was on VIAGRA for God’s sake!”

        But for better or worse, Mr. Brenton and all of his withered manliness, need not feel alone. The consequences of being reminded that Jeb Bush may very well be the Republican presidential nominee in 2016 is not unusual among adult males taking Viagra, according to a new study by the Pew Research Center.  

 

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     According to the study, registered Republican men who take Viagra to obtain and maintain an erection have had the drug rendered completely futile, with their hard-fought and hard-won hard-ons completely vanishing in shame at the near thought of Jeb Bush running for president, let alone becoming the GOP’s nominee in 2016. According to the study, the correlation between the idea of Jeb Bush being president or the GOP’s nominee in 2016 completely eradicating the effects of Viagra on erectility dysfunctional men is beyond dispute.   Almost three out of four registered Republican males who took Viagra and other erection-inducing drugs found their stiffening experience of raging, blood-filled, bulbous boners disappear within minutes of being reminded that former Florida governor Jeb Bush is either running for president, or will be the GOP nominee, or may be actually be the U.S. president come January 20th, 2017.   

     According to Ariel Bulviesky, who launched Pew’s study after personally experiencing a similar reaction/retraction as Mr. Brenton one afternoon, “It is the most frightening development in the annals of human reproduction, if you ask me.   At first I thought I was ‘weird’, or had a problem with my Viagra-induced erection totally disappearing after hearing the name ‘Jeb Bush’ and word ‘presidential’ and ‘president’ in the same sentence.   ... Come to find out —it’s not just me.   Not just me at all! This happens to almost every Republican man on Viagra once they hear or think of Jeb Bush running of the GOP presidential ticket! ...N...NOOOOOO!”

     The thought of the former moderate Florida governor, who gets Republican voters’ as excited as a parade of naked Rosie O’Donnel impressionists, and who is making no bones about his liberal-leaning (as far as national GOP candidates go) stances on such things as illegal immigration, Common Core, entitlement programs, fears he will be as unpopular in foreign policy as his George W. Bush, and that...he’s a BUSH, has stretched into the bedroom with startling and shriveling results, results political scientists and talk show hosts like RedState.com’s editor-in-chief Erick Erickson.

     Said Erickson in a phone interview with Duh Progressive Monday about the effects of thinking about Jeb Bush running for president has had on his own private life, “I’m not an old guy, but I have a stressful job and sometimes after chilling out with a few drinks after a long day I pop a Viagra ‘just to make sure’ for Christy (Erickson’s wife), you know?”

     Clarified Erickson, “...I mean, really, I really, really don’t need Viagra. REALLY, I don’t. It’s just the stress, sometimes! So naturally when Christy and I are trying to be intimate and I have to think about things like possible GOP nominees, and then I have to think about Jeb Bush and...and...”.

     Erickson could not finish his statement without bursting into tears of despair and dismay. After a moment of crying hysterically, the Atlanta-based talk show host composed himself. “I mean, I could pop a dozen of those babies (Viagra) at once and still, with Jeb Bush on my mind as a possible nominee for 2016, it’s just like ‘trying to shoot pool with a rope’ down there! It’s horrible!   Damn you to hell, Jeb Bush. ...You go ta’ Hell an’ you die!!”

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