by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Tuesday, March 31, 2015,
(ATLANTA) —An anonymous source from inside cable’s number one show, AMC’s “The Walking Dead”, has spilled the beans on a bombshell in the pending sixth season. But even more stunning, according to the show’s leaker, season six does not do President Obama any justice, and thus has thrown the show’s writers, actors and crew into chaos, as they are now racing to rewrite the show’s sixth season due to what the show’s mole has revealed.
Just two days after the dramatic end of season five, the ”The Walking Dead’s” leaker told The New York Times that in the upcoming season six of the comic-inspired zombie apocalypse drama, Rick Grimes (actor Andrew Lincoln) and his scarred, battle-hardened group finally make their way to Washington, D.C., where after much pleading —and frisking— finally are let into the White House, where they meet President Obama. But to their shock, disbelief and horror, the group discovers that Obama has no clue of the zombie apocalypse that has overtaken the world for the past two years.
According to the secret “walking snitch”, as the show’s cast and crew are calling the mole, President Obama tells the war−ravaged group that although he was aware of a “carnivorous zombie issue” springing up in certain cities in America and around the world, he dismissed it, assuming the problem would eventually “take care of itself” and that it wasn’t that serious; certainly not serious enough to warrant close monitoring by the his administration, let alone intervention.
Without naming the particular episode in which the critical conversation between Obama and the starring cast takes place, the anonymous source reveals some of the crucial dialogue between a shocked President Obama and Rick’s group as they stand around the Oval Office desk describing to Obama just how bad the zombie apocalypse is (i.e. it’s a fucking apocalypse!!).
Exclaims an overwhelmed Obama in response to the cast’s horrific details of life outside Washington D.C., “I mean, you know, I knew there were some dead people out there coming back to life and eatin’ some folks, but I just thought they were just a small, disorganized group of disgruntled ‘un-dead’ people, ya’ know? ...I just thought these zombie folks were just ‘JV’, you know? ...Good Lord, I had no idea how (bad the zombie apocalypse was)!”
“Sir, with all due respect, how the hell could you not know that the entire planet has been overrun by flesh-eating zombies, for Christ’s sake?!” angrily retorts Glenn (actor Steven Yeun) to the President. “Where have you been? What the hell have you been doing over the past two years?!”
According to the leaker, Obama sighs in annoyance, leans back in his Oval Office chair and casually produces his iPhone, showing off to the bloodied and battered group pictures of him and First Lady Michelle Obama strolling and laughing calmly on a beach in Hawaii. Then Obama shows him and his daughters in a selfie while on a rollercoaster in Disney Land (being operated by First Lady Michelle, as the employees of the massive park being either dead, fled, or zombyfied and off eating local residents). Then Obama shows the group other selfies of him and his family standing in front of the Grand Canyon, then in front of Mount Rushmore, with Obama giving the middle finger to the famed presidents carved in it, then him celebrating his daughters’ birthdays at the White House, then with him playing on Australia’s famed Royal Melbourne Golf Course. Then as Obama continues showing more selfies of him and his family enjoying life to its fullest, with occasional Secret Service officers seen in the background guarding him, Daryl Dixon (actor Norman Reedus) grabs Obama’s cell phone from him and smashes it against the Oval Office wall in a fury. Secret Service agents quickly haul Dixon away, and President Obama bursts: “What the hell?! What I do? Aren’t I allowed to bond with my family?! That’s what I’ve been doing! What’s your all’s problem?!”
The “walking snitch” has even released some of the transcripts of the pivotal scene between the show’s tortured survivors and their oblivious Commander-in-Chief.
After Daryl Dixon’s removal, Maggie (actress Lauren Cohan) yells at a confused Obama: “How could you not know that the world has been overrun by ‘walkers’, sir?! ...Zombies! Over half of humanity is dead or in hiding or are zombies! My God, haven’t you spoken to any foreign leaders or your cabinet members or (remaining) Congressmen?! ...Jesus, sir!”
OBAMA: “ ‘Zombies’..?! Hey now, that’s no way to talk about Democrats, young lady.”
MAGGIE: “That’s not what I mean!”
OBAMA: “Look, I don’t have the time to deal with all these people and talk about all these things. I’m just too busy to devote time to every problem in the world, you know? I knew there was some trouble out there, yeah, but there’s always trouble somewhere, like in Ferguson (MO). And besides, Michelle and I have been busy trying to find a new florist, but no flower shop is answering their phones.”
MAGGIE: “That’s because they’re all dead, you dumbass! They’re dead, or else become zombies, or else running and hiding like we’ve been doing for two goddamn years! Jesus, don’t you know ANYTHING that is going on around the world or in this country?!”
OBAMA: “Well, there was that ‘Ferguson thing’ a while back...and uhh...yeah, Ferguson.”
MAGGIE (beginning to sob, Glenn embraces her in comfort): “Oh, Jesus Christ! We’ve come this far to see if you’re alive and doing something about this goddamned situation, Mr. President. ...We’ve met a lot of morons, psychos, sadists, and total asshats throughout our journey so far, Mr. Obama. Bu...but you are the biggest asshat we’ve met yet!”
OBAMA: “Why does my ass need a hat? Is this a racist thing, young lady?”
RICK GRIMES: “Well then, Mr. President, just what the hell have you been aware of over the last two years?!”
OBAMA: “A lot, Mr. Rick!”
RICK: “Such as..?
CAROL (actress Melissa McBride, quivers with rage): “Oh Jesus, someone, please, let me kill this worthless piece of shit.” (Carol then is also quickly escorted out of the Oval Office by Secret Service agents)
Indeed, the hit show’s sixth season may be the most depressing yet, from what the anonymous leaker says, as it drives home the message (via Obama’s ignorance) that salvation and recovery from the zombie-producing virus and its apocalyptic results that has infected all humans may not be achievable; that “the walking dead” are here to stay!
“You would think that the ‘most powerful man in the world would be on the forefront of the cure of a zombie apocalypse, or any other end-of-days scenario,” wrote the anonymous “walking snitch” to the Times. “But apparently the show’s producers and writers have described President Obama’s reaction to such a crisis to a T!
“....From a President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, who says he knew nothing about the Benghazi attacks before they occurred, to not knowing what horrible outcomes the ‘Arab Spring’ could produce, to not knowing of the government spying on the Associated Press and other news agencies, to not knowing of the NSA’s world-wide spying on average citizens, to not knowing of IRS abuses and its deliberate targeting of conservative groups in what many would consider political persecution, to not having a clue of whom his ‘just-some-guy-in-the-neighborhood’ Bill Ayers was, to not knowing of the regular hateful spewings of his pastor Reverend Wright whose church he attended for 20 years, to not knowing that ISIS was on its way to becoming the hellish terrorist army it is now, to only discovering of Hillary Clinton’s private e-mails and server from press reports, to basically only knowing about the ongoings of the world through major news networks; a president who wouldn’t know where his ass was if it he had a bell on it, SE-6 of ‘The Walking Dead’ pretty much sums up Obama quite well. ...It’s unfortunate that the entire season has to be re-written and re-shot now because of (my) leaking this. I’m sorry.”
Also, in another jab at the show that has apparently disrespected him or her so, the anonymous “walking snitch” told The New York Times perhaps the most shocking and devastating exchange in the Walking Dead saga to date.
According to the “walking snitch”, Carl Grimes (Rick Grimes’ son, actor Chandler Riggs) turns to his dad and the rest of the core of Rick’s group gathered around Obama and asks, dispiritingly, “Dad, does Mr. Obama’s total denial or willful ignorance of every serious threat in the world mean there’s no hope for us after all?” According to the “walking snitch”, before Carl finishes his question, daddy Rick cuts him off, grimacing at a befuddled Obama. “...No, Carl,” Rick says, “screw goddamn 'walkers'...there’s been no hope since November, 2008.”
However the most damaging leak the “walking snitch” revealed to the Times is a scene, late in the upcoming series, where while arguing with President Obama, his Secret Service agents surrounding the White House are overtaken by an unexpected and immense horde of “walkers”, which eventually crash through the windows of the Oval Office, devouring President Obama as Rick and his tattered group flee from the White House and again escape to safety.
The leaker’s transcripts from season six have President Obama’s surviving Secret Service agents fleeing their posts and their Commander-in-Chief, along with Rick and his group as flesh-eating zombies (aside from Barack Obama’s staff) finally storm the White House , leaving President Obama screaming as the walking dead eat him alive.
According to the leaker’s transcripts from the upcoming season, as everyone escapes the White House, President Obama still denies that there is a “zombie apocalypse problem”, even while his flesh his being bitten into and his veins ripped open by “walkers”. President Obama sits in his Oval Office chair and screams out while being devoured, “...Ouuuwww! What?! What....the f**k is this..?! ...Aaaa! Ouuuuu...ahhh! Get off me, goddamn Republicans!”
Says the “walking snitch”, President Obama becomes very unconcerned with whom and why his left ear is bitten off after a few seconds, denying, as he is so accustomed to, to the fact that he is being eaten alive by the rotting un-dead; after all, that’s uncomfortable, so Obama instinctively denies it.
“Nope! No! —aauwww!... This is not happening! I’m, like, sooooo totally not being eaten alive by zombies right now!” says Obama, according to the anonymous source’s leaked transcripts. “...No!” screams Obama, as he’s overcome by “walkers”. “I’m so oblivious to anything and everything horrible that is occurring in the world, so this cannot be happeni.... OUWWWWWW (as zombies chew into the president’s groin)! ...This isn’t —aaaaaa!— occurring to me right now because I wish it would not! ...This is worse than Detroit! ...there goes my nose...GET OFF! Get away! ...AAAAAAaaaa...! No, when I wish something —ouwww!!!— unpleasant in the world isn’t happening, it isn’t! ....Ouawww, shit, no, not my nipples! Aaaaaa..!.”
“Why can’t I just wish all the world’s problems away?!” screams Obama in the last moments of his life on “The Walking Dead”. “If I want a bad thing to go away, it does! .... AAaaaaa! This isn’t happening! These zombies are so racist! ...Republicans!”
President Obama’s final breaths are spent screaming in denial and accusing the zombies of being racists for daring to eat their first Black president. Meanwhile Rick Grimes and his surviving escape to safety, as they run down to the Old Ebbitt Grill on 15th Street, cozy-up to a bar seat, order some beers and chicken wings, and wait for this “end-of-the-world-zombie-apocalypse-thing to all blow over.”
Duh Progressive apologizes for being the bearer of such grave (and grave) news about SE-6 of “The Walking Dead”, but someone had to report it. Still, our apologies to “The Walking Dead” fans and all connoisseurs of the zombie genre. May you rock and “roam” on!