D’Leereeus Johnson, DP Assistant Editor
Monday, April 6, 2015
(WASHINGTON) —Political correctness run amuck? An attempt at religious conversion on a most sacred day in Christianity? Or a cruel joke from some prankster on the White House staff? Regardless, many attendees of the annual White House Easter Egg Roll did not return from Monday's festivities at the White House with the fondest of memories this year. Instead, according to scores of parents and children who attended the 137-year-old event, they returned from their time at the White House and the Easter eggs they hunted for and rolled with very upsetting messages.....from the world of Islam!
Yes. While many families (nearly 35,000 people in total gathered on the South Lawn of the White House) opened plastic Easter eggs scattered around the White House grounds, which usually encapsulate cute gifts for their children or bunny-shaped bites of grilled tofu, courtesy of Michelle Obama’s kitchen staff, many —but not all— children opened plastic Easter eggs bearing none other strips of paper with incendiary excerpts from the Muslim Koran and the Hadith.
Instead of a little plastic wind-up rabbit that walks on the table, or a matchbox car, or candy, pieces of printed paper, like in fortune cookies greeted many of Obama’s young guests with Koran and Hadith’s excerpts such as “The Messenger of Allah said: I have been commanded to fight against people so long as they do not declare that there is no god but Allah” (Muslim 1:30), “If Allah finds any good in your heart, He will give you something better than what has been taken from you”, (#113, Koran 8:70), "The person who participates in (Holy Battles) in Allah’s cause and nothing compels him do so except belief in Allah and His Apostle, will be recompensed by Allah either with a reward, or booty (if he survives) or will be admitted to Paradise ( if he is killed)" (The Hadith, Bukhari 1:35), to even "Killing Unbelievers is a small matter to us" (the words of Muhammad, The Hadith, Tabari 9:69), and many more.
Said a crying Tyler Williamson, 6, after he opened up a light blue Easter egg he found lightly concealed under some pine needles under a pine tree on the South Lawn, “I...I...I...I...I...” (ten minutes later) ....I thought it was gonna be some candy or toy dinosaur in it, but all there was was words from some ‘Mud-ham-man’ man telling me I should kill all my friends and mommy and daddy for not following ‘Alli’ (Allah)..!”
Continued a sniffling Tyler, as the dark stain on his corduroy pants steadily crept downward and he cried, “I don’t even know what ‘All-ha’ is! And now I’m supposed to kill for him... Bhwaaaaaaaaa..!”
Although less than half of the plastic eggs opened by the attendees contained excerpts from sacred Islamic writ exalting Muhammad and the god he lived, fought and killed for, it was undoubtedly too many to be a mischievous prank by a disgruntled White House employee.
“With thousands of plastic eggs around these premises for children to find and enjoy, almost three-out-of-six of the group I’ve come with say they’re finding pro-Islamic and vitriolic messages in their Easter eggs!” said Lucille Bennett, of Fredericksburg, Virginia. The 38-year-old dental assistant of two children, Hunter and Meghan, won her free White House Easter Day Celebration tickets on line, as most administrations offer them free in a raffle weeks before. But even if the Obama administration pays Bennett to attend next year, Bennett says she will stay home, as she has been shocked, offended, and humiliated by the injection of not only a completely separate religion on Easter, the holiest day for Christians like herself, but to lace the White House Easter egg hunt with creepy and hostile messages from that religion.
Added Bennett as her kids clung to her thighs in confusion, “How am I supposed to tell (Hunter and Meghan) that instead of the fuzzy unicorn or matchbox car they were supposed to get in their eggs, they instead were told (as she pulled out the egg from her pocket and opened it, reading, ‘Allah said: A prophet must slaughter before collecting captives. A slaughtered enemy is driven from the land. Muhammad, you craved the desires of this world, its goods and the ransom captives would bring. But Allah demands killing them to manifest his religion!’ ...Sorry, Jesus, Lord, but what in the name of holy-jumping-mother-of-jackass-ery is this shit?!! I’m going to seek out the President right now and confront him about this bullshit!”
White House Responsible for Promoting Islam in Easter Eggs?
As the numbers grew of curious and enraged parents reading the passages from the Koran and Hadith left this year in the White House’s Easter eggs, President Obama became less and less conspicuous, opting out of photos with guests and the Easter Bunny, eventually disappearing completely and not around to oversee the coveted egg rolling contest. Rumors began circulating that the President and the administration were overtly trying to —the day after Easter, of all days!— push people towards the path of Islam instead of Christianity, propelling Deputy Press Secretary Eric Schultz to step in and quell the growing hubbub.
“The White House and President Obama have no idea how passages from the Holy Quran or the Hadith ended up in so many of our Easter eggs this year,” said a sweating, nervous Schultz to reports on the South Lawn. “It is indeed very embarrassing to have our Easter Egg Event intruded by another religion, especially one which has not exactly been receiving ‘good press’ or projected a positive image of itself since...uhh, well, fourteen years, give-or-take.”
Schultz also pointed out that the Easter Bunny had been taken away by Secret Service agents a few minutes before, and that although not confirmed, had been found with a small bag of plastic eggs containing the more inflammatory excerpts from the Koran and Hadith. Continued a distressed Schultz a to dwindling crowd of White House guests, leaving in droves with their Easter Sundays ruined, their commands to “kill the infidels” in-hand. “This is not official,” said Schultz, “...If in fact we don’t even know what’s going on, but it appears that the quotes so many people discovered in their Easter eggs this Monday may in fact be the fault of the Easter Bunny himself. But this is probably a complete misunderstanding and the Jolly Ol’ Hippidy-Hopper is innocent as can be.”
“Oh, for the love of God! After the holiest day in Christianity, sir, what do you take us all for, idiots?!” yelled out Fox News’ White House correspondent Ed Henry to Schultz.
“Mr. Henry,” replied Schultz, “as you know, a number of Westerners, including Americans have either run off to join ISIS or are delving into radical Islam here at home. Two women were just arrested in Detroit the other day planning a terror attack in the U.S., as we’ve heard. ...But right about now, all I can say is this: although we’re probably wrong and the big furry hare had nothing to do with this ignorant, tragic prank, it does appear that, yes, the culprit could be the very symbol of Easter and the resurrection of Jesus Christ behind this dastardly deed...the Easter Bunny!”
Replied Ed Henry, “Mr. Schultz, you can’t actually expect grown adults to believe a man in a giant rabbit suit loaded almost half the hidden plastic eggs here today with excerpts from the...”.
“LOOK, ED!” snapped Schultz, “...All we do know is that the culprit is certainly not the President, not the White House, and no one in this administration or the planning of this Egg Roll today. Mr. Obama has never turned a blind eye to radical Islam, or has allowed it to spread in the United States or abroad! So don’t even think that Mr. Obama or anyone in his administration has not had...shit...I mean, HAD anything to do with this unfortunate prank ‘in the name of Islam’ on Easter Sunday, 2015. ...And we’re intensely questioning the Easter Bunny right now to find out as quickly as possible the perpetrator or perpetrators behind this incident.”
Dave Boyer from the conservative-leaning The Washington Times newspaper asked Deputy Press Secretary Schultz if Homeland Security was holding the Easter Bunny in a cell or in a cage, as one would find a regular domestic rabbit, and if it had been given food, water, and some newspaper on the floor in case it “needed somewhere to do its business on”.
“To my knowledge, we have,” answered Schultz. “In fact I think we’re using yours.”