by John Wanco, new DP staff
Tuesday, August 9, 2011,
(WASHINGTON) —The Environmental Protection Agency is claiming victory and America’s perverts are crying foul after the Obama administration imposed a ban on mercury-laced toilet bowl spy cameras Tuesday.
The historic move, claims EPA Administrator Lisa P. Jackson, is long overdue in an age wrought with urolagniacs and “nugget junkies” indirectly tainting the nation’s water supplies all in the name of getting their depraved jollies from secretly filming the faceless eliminations of fellow Americans. Several brands of mini spy cams popular with paraphiliacs are to be banned from the market beginning this week.
“It’s hard enough knowing we may be videotaped whenever we pop a squat in a public restroom,” said Jackson at a press conference Tuesday. “But to then learn that the same minicam that just filmed us will damage our health and environment through its mercury content is more than we should bear. And this administration, for one, has had enough.”
According to Jackson, popular spy cams containing more than .25 milligrams of mercury may be cheaper and more durable than non-mercury-containing brands, but can easily contaminate water supplies if accidently dislodged from their secret locations inside America’s public toilets, or blasted loose by some unsuspecting co-ed’s incorrigible elimination. The number of toilet spy cameras found in water treatment plants and reservoirs has risen steadily over the last few years, said Jackson to a packed room of reporters Tuesday, and therefore so have the number of mercury-laced cameras, usually made by lesser known companies in Southern Asia.
“This nation deserves better from its perverts,” stated an adamant Jackson Tuesday. “We as Americans deserve to have our genitals surreptitiously filmed and posted on the internet without fear of drinking the mercury these cameras contain.”
Mercury was first classified as a Level 3 contaminant by the EPA in 1974. If ingested in excess, mercury can cause long-term respiratory problems in people and can cause low birth weight, birth defects, early onset of dementia, infertility in both humans and aquatic wildlife, and massive fish kills. Tuesday’s ban strikes a blow to toilet cam aficionados, as many will no longer be able to purchase mercury-laced mini cameras in retail stores or have them shipped from overseas, a move that smacks of all-out toilet cam bias, claim many discharge devotees.
“We’re not buying this ‘environmental protection’ (bologna) at all. Why don’t they just outlaw secret toilet cams altogether and get it over with?” said Leroy Scadtman, president of the San Diego-based watchdog group, Americans for Toilet Cam Choice. Scadtman claims the efforts to infringe upon the right of clandestine toilet cam use have been underway since the early days of the Bush White House. Tuesday’s move by the Obama administration is simply one more step towards a total ban of hidden toilet cams, said Scadtman, a 16-year veteran of the Seaport Village Shopping Center Security Personnel in San Diego.
Scadtman is not alone in his suspicion or frustration with the EPA. California director of the National High School Women’s Coaching Union, Barry Wilkins, has also come out against the unplugging of mercury-containing spy cams. Said Wilkins to Duh Progressive Tuesday, “Our chapter of the teacher’s union has already expressed the needless hardship this ban will put on explorative photographers everywhere. Mini cameras containing the amount of mercury (the EPA) is citing pose no danger to animals or the public, and are a reliable bargain in today’s volatile minicam market.”
“Being the coach of high school girls’ sports teams is stressful enough without the federal government telling me what technology I can or can’t enjoy in my spare time,” Wilkins added. “…Whatever happened to the ‘pursuit of happiness’ in this country? What other trivial hobbies will they deprive from us next? Not to mention the financial burden: non-mercury cameras cost 30-percent more and run out of power faster. We’ll be getting less for more –typical of this administration, if you ask me!”
Despite protests, the EPA’s Lisa Jackson said scatophiliacs and other potty-dependent perverts will just have to contend with paying a little more for environmentally friendly ways to tape their local high school cheerleading team when nature calls. The situation could be a lot worse, assured Jackson to reporters Tuesday, like Japan’s total ban on toilet cams after repeated damage to the nation’s water treatment facilities. “The lovers of hidden pee cams should be thankful we’re not like Japan,” said Jackson. “…They had so many flushed piss cams that the rivers flowed with nothing but toilet cams for weeks, stopping all water treatment —one gigantic clog, you could say.”
Luckily, said Jackson, Japan is finally tackling its minicam–clogging crisis by mandating all of its toilets come with hidden cameras built into them.