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Obama Confesses: ''I never really wanted this job anyway.''

by Ledge Slater, new DP staff

Tuesday, September 27th, 2011

(MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA) —Facing plummeting job approval numbers and a stagnant economy, President Barack Obama took time out Monday to remind people that he “never really wanted this job anyway.”

    Pausing yesterday from touting his new job creation plans at a Linkedin townhall meeting outside San Francisco, the President addressed his shrinking poll numbers.  “I know I’ve been getting a lot of flak for our slow recovery.  I know what the polls are saying.  A lot of folks out there are looking to me to do something, and I am,” a visibly frustrated Obama said to the crowd at the Q-&-A session.  “But let me just remind everyone that it wasn’t me who elected me; it was you.   Personally, I never really wanted this job anyway.”

    Obama’s jaw-dropping confession was visible on the faces of the stunned crowd as he further explained.  “I never thought I was up to this job, but everyone I knew −wife, kids, friends, constituents in Illinois− they all begged and pleaded for me to run. …Now I’m here, trying to do my best and all I get is a lot of grief.   That’s it, I’m sick of doing people favors!”

    Unemployed steamfitter Russell Dubois was more than surprised by the President’s impromptu admission.  “I’m 46 years old and I’ve never heard a president say anything like this,” Dubois said, who had come out to hear Obama detail his American Jobs Act“I’m shocked.  I’m a bit angry.  This man said he would solve things, you know?  But I kind of feel sorry for him at the same time, you know?  Poor guy.   If I knew I was doing him a favor by voting for him last time I would have voted for him twice…which I probably did anyway.”

    “This seals the fate of the President in my estimation,” said Red State editor Erik Erickson to Duh Progressive Tuesday.  “If Obama ever planned on being re-elected…he can certainly count on it now, now that everyone knows just how out of his way he went for us by getting himself elected in the first place.  God, he’s such a giver…”.

    Erickson added that the President’s sympathetic admittance Monday may even cause a second term to be cemented even if Obama drops out of the race all together.

    “This was so…so heart-felt and novel,” continued Erickson.   “It even pulled at my heartstrings, and I’m a Republican.  I wouldn’t even put it past the voters to re-elect Obama as a write-in if he even refused to run again.   He could be re-elected against his will, like before. …Now how can you not feel sorry for a man in that position?   It’s tough as shit.”

MEGA SHIFT:  Obama’s Confession Evokes Historic GOP Sympathy, Dem Guilt

     Obama’s portrayal of himself as a victim of circumstance is nothing new to the adoring populous.  However Monday’s shocking admission has seemingly left many of Obama’s supporters refusing to vote for him again, given the torturous burden they unwittingly thrust upon him in 2008.  “I love Barack, he’s our guy!” say an enthusiastic Irina Brobbey outside Monday’s rally.  “But I feel too sorry to vote for him again…given how much agony I helped put him in before.   How can we burden our Chocolate Jesus anymore?   I feel too bad now knowing he did us all such a favor by becoming president.   I can’t put him through that agony again.”

    Added to this zap support among his base due to guilt, a Rasmussen poll taken after the President’s confession Monday found what could be the most stunning and ironic twist in approval for Obama, as 39% of registered Republicans polled said they were not only impressed by Obama’s candor, but were supportive of a man who would go out of his way so much for the nation at the urgings of friends and family.   And like Irina Brobbey, the poll found Democrats by a 3-to-1 margin, felt too guilty over Obama’s “favor” to them to vote for him again; a mindboggling turn of tides that could leave the President’s re-election chances in the hands of newly supportive Republicans instead of sorrow-stricken Democrats.

    “We’re conservatives; when someone does us a favor we return it, not ignore it,” said GOP strategist and former Republican Governors Association Executive Director Nick Ayers to Duh Progressive Tuesday. “This is the first honest thing I’ve heard Obama say in three years, and it’s the best.” 

    Ayers said that hearing how much an excruciating decision it was to follow the demands of those around him and sacrifice his reputation and happiness for country will win over many unsuspecting Republicans and independents next November.  “Whether this man has improved one thing in America is not the point anymore,” continued Ayers.  “He’s a giver, a walking sacrifice to us all!  How can we deny him a second term now?”

    “I don’t think Obama had this reaction in mind when he said what he said at this rally,” said Democrat Strategist Donna Brazile on CNN’s The Situation Room Tuesday.    Brazile (who personally spanked Duh Progressive’s creator with a towel at the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis in 2008…but that’s another story…) said that Obama may have unwittingly played the sympathy card too hard, coming full-circle into the rare political realm of “uncontrollably re-electable.”   Obama was obviously trying to brace himself for a likely defeat next November by telling people he did not want to be president in the first place, said Brazile; an obvious softening of what the White House views as an inevitable blow next November.    

    “But to now see (Obama’s) statements that he was doing us all a ‘favor’ making Republicans feel proud of him and Democrats feel too sorry for him to vote for him again is beyond… I don’t know, Wolf.   This is a development one should hear after downing a 20-ounce Kettle One cosmopolitan, not before it.”

    White House Press Secretary Jay Carney assured reporters on Tuesday that the President remains adamant on doing the same favor he did for America all over again.  “As much as you forced on all of us, you bastards,” said Carney during Tuesday’s press briefing, “we’re still willing to go out of our way to have you abuse President Obama and the rest of us all over again, don’t you worry.  …Oh no —awww, no!  Don’t worry.   We’ll be there for you to vote for and make us do this thankless favor again next year, if you must.”

 

 


 

Police Blotter

Howell, NJ -- Howell, NJ —Police arrived to the 300 block of Roosevelt Street after a 19-year-old man complaining he did not have the money to afford his fourth neck tattoo of the year, however did have the funds to remain dressed like a crack-addicted circus clown. Police escorted the New Jersey man to the nearest tattoo parlor and forced the tattoo artist on duty to give the man a new neck tattoo. Police then tasered the artist to death.

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