Friday, April 26th, 2013,
(Elko, Nevada) —In a riveting case that has tested their blooming careers as professional child detectives like never before, 9-year-olds Jimmy Miller and Marisa Degner are close to making a break in the case of who let out the “silent but deadly” gas expulsion that left their 4th grade math class reeling in odiferous torture two weeks ago, according to the pair, Tuesday.
From sleepless nights to bitter infighting, threats from classmates, after-school detention, intimidation from school “authorities,” suspense and intrigue, Jimmy and Marisa have managed to thrive on, reportedly narrowing their list of suspects to two people in what their school has come to know as “The Case of Who Farted in Math Class.” ...Indeed, riveting, we know...
“It’s put any Sherlock Holmes or Harry Potter mystery to shame,” said Martha Degner, mother of Marisa. “We’ve had to keep our house’s blinds closed due to the dangerous nature of my daughter’s investigation. We’ve had to sleep with one eye open. It’s really been taxing for the whole family.”
But now the Degner and Miller families’ hair-raising adventure into mystery and detective work is near an end, according to Martha Degner, 42.
Two weeks ago during one of Mountain View Elementary School's fourth grade math classes, someone (or something?) released a burst of flatulence strong enough to bring the 18 students and teacher of the class to a standstill, as students began coughing, laughing, giggling, and gagging as a smell reportedly “enough to melt paint off walls” flooded the classroom, eventually bringing the students' lessons in three digit division to a halt, as the class had to exit the room for minnutes as the smell cleared.
Said Ms. Lauffenberg, the math class’ teacher at the time, “It was right after lunch time and so it wasn’t unusual to smell a few farts occasionally. But this fart was not ‘usual.’ It was epic! My eyes watered. Kids didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and some were crying involuntarily just due to the stinging power this blaster packed. It was horrible. It almost made me rethink my career as a teacher.”
Nor has the great "fart investigation" come without its dangers...
The Degners recall the morning they woke up since their daughter’s “fart investigation'' began with a dead stray cat hanging upsidedown on their front porch with a threatening note written in the cat’s blood, creepily reading, “YOU!”
The Miller family was also not left unscathed, recalling the night last week when they heard a knock on their door, finding a note shoved in it, also menacing: “If you ever wanna get out of the 4th grade alive, you little bastard, stop snooping around! STOP trying to find out who farted in math class. You’ll live longer!”
The next day Jimmy’s father went to get the family’s mail only to find their mailbox “covered in boogers not from a human.”
But through the threats, through the intimidation, through the faceless taunts hurled at the back of them during class rotation, the vandalism and families’ terror, Miller—Degner have triumphed, declaring they have narrowed the “phantom farter” down to one of two suspects: fellow 9-year-old Mark Cruz, who is described by classmates as a “total dork and dweeb” who couldn’t “even beat up a fly,” to none other than their own math teacher herself, Ms. Lauffenberg (!).
“We’ve studied the data, taken all the samples and interviewed what everyone had for lunch that day,” said Jimmy Miller, Wednesday morning before math class. “The fart we endured during class two weeks ago did not mach anything any of us (students) had for lunch that fateful day. And we know Ms. Lauffenberg did not eat tacos or pizza or French fries (i.e. no cafeteria food!). That was a chicken and broccoli fart for sure. And we remember (Lauffenberg) has told us to eat our broccoli for the sake of ‘colon health.’ It was her!”
“No! No! It couldn’t be me!” cried Ms. Lauffenberg as she was confronted by the detective duo Wednesday afternoon. “I love you kids! I’d never be so callous as to let out a fart like that one! Honest!”
“Like that one?” Detective Degner then snapped. “Ahh, which means you’ve let ‘others go’ before, is that not right, Lauffenberg?!”
“Well, yes, but I’m almost 40 years old. It’s hard to contain them at my age, especially after having three kids. You…I…just can’t control it sometimes!”
“Then it was you, wasn’t it, Ms. Broccoli-lover-Lauffenberg?!” said Detective Miller to a now sobbing math teacher.
Ms. Lauffenberg then broke down, proclaiming her innocence to then end. The next day she resigned from her teaching position at Mountain View Elementary School, proclaiming her innocence till the end.
“She may not have confessed, but we’ve solved this case for sure. There may be two suspects left, but I think her resignation and shame finally brings closure to who made this most infamous of farts,” said a smug Jimmy Miller to reporters, Thursday. “It’s only a matter of time before (Marisa) and me are hired by the Department of Homeland Security to track down terrorists before they attack America. Lord knows they need the help.”
UPDATE: Jimmy Miller and Marisa Degner were expelled from Mountain View Elementary School Friday. The reason: bullying.