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Study Finds Increasing Number of Obese People Lacking Heads!

 

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(From WIRES)

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013,

(HARVARD, MA) — Ever notice how television and print articles on the nation’s obesity epidemic always show overweight people from the neck or shoulders down? Well, that may no longer be just a coincidence or due to a sense of photographic courtesy on behalf of news outlets, according to a recent Harvard University study.

     After a 14-month study, stemming from news reports depicting America’s overweight population walking the streets or sitting in parks seemingly “pictured” from the shoulders–down, a research team from Harvard’s Department of Nutritional Studies has found that not only is the United States suffering an obesity epidemic, but one in which obese people are increasingly lacking heads!

 Indeed, human heads, those usually useless 10-pound chunks of bone and flesh that adorn one’s shoulders and account for nearly 90-percent a person’s sensory intake, are increasingly disappearing as people get fatter, according to Harvard’s lead researcher, Professor Matthew Gillman.

   Since last spring Gillman and his research team have been reviewing hundreds of hours of media footage and newspaper photos of America’s overweight population, and have arrived to a startling and disturbing conclusion.

   “We’re not just looking at an obesity epidemic throughout (America),” said a grave–faced Gillman to reporters, Wednesday. “What we’re seeing through our thorough review of news archives is an epidemic of headless obese people, the likes of which has never seen before!”

   “It defies all scientific and medical logic,” continued Gillman, “but overweight people are becoming headless at alarming rates. It’s uncanny and unprecedented in the annals of human existence. From what we’ve observed, every fat person photographed over the last ten years seems more and more to be without a head. …In all honesty, our society may be facing a ‘headless obesity’ epidemic the likes the world has never experienced!”        

   Completely derived from their review of print, network, and cable news’ depictions of America’s obese, Gillman and his team are sounding the alarm, warning that as obese people walking around without heads; miserably destined to assuage their insatiable appetites through just stuffing their food and huffing breaths through their exposed throats and esophagi, they are also at great risk of infection and death due to their gaping wounds from where human heads once sprouted.

   The team’s study, “Obesity and Headlessism: America’s Growing Epidemic,” will be published in the American Medical Journal in September and is already getting noticed by many physicians and nutritional experts. Said nationally renowned cardiothoracic surgeon and women’s health expert, Dr. Mehmet Oz, in a statement to Duh Progressive, Wednesday, “I personally have never met an obese person that did not have a head. And I cannot fathom a circumstance under which any person, no matter their weight, could function as a living human being while decapitated.”

   “However,” Oz’s statement added, “if these conclusions come from Harvard University, then who am I to judge? They must be true. There is indeed a headless obesity epidemic in this nation and it needs to be addressed at once!”

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(Due to the recent and welcomed spike in visits to Duh Progressive, we would like to point out that not all of our articles are political. MINI NEWS is non-political and simply for “shits and giggles;” goofy little takes and observations on society that we simply cannot afford to let go unnoticed.)

 

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