(BOSTON) —Researchers at Boston University have come up with a peculiar finding resulting in a month-long joint study between its Departments of Sociology and Nutrition, during which they discovered that the average American male between ages 35 and 75 are at a 72‒percent risk that somewhere there is an older and/or elderly Black American woman who wishes nothing more than to scold them on their neglect of their chronic constipation.
The bizarre study surveyed over 1,000 men between ages 35 and 75 throughout the nation who admitted to routine bouts of constipation to the point it could be considered “chronic”, and found an astonishing overwhelming number of them (72‒percent) have been accosted by grumpy old African-American women scolding them for not tending to the discomforting and sometimes dangerous condition.
“Race didn’t matter, location didn’t matter, religion or sexuality didn’t matter...If you were an adult male suffering from constipation, there was a 72% chance there was some aging Black lady out there that had chewed you out for it” said Nelson P. Becker, PhD, professor of Sociology and director of the month-long study at Boston University.
From family members to co-workers, friends, neighbors, to even complete strangers in the grocery store, almost three-quarters of American men have or will face harassment, ranging from playful recognition to acute frustration from a Black-American woman of 50 years of age or older. Dr. Louis Gutierrez, Boston U.’s Associate Dean of its Department of Medical Sciences and Education, said that collaborating with Dr. Becker on this study was an experience he will never forget. “The sociology department had a theory, stemming back over ten years when the ‘Raymond’ commercials were popular (the ever so omnipresent, 60-some-year-old African-American woman scolding her husband, Raymond, about the turmoil and aches he stands a good chance of getting if he does not take steps to relieve his chronic constipation) that indeed a middle-aged to elderly Black woman was able to instinctively seek out and discern what adult man has been neglecting his constipation and verbally hound him to near insanity to take care of it.
“This ain’t no shit, what they’re sayin’”, said Frederico Vargas, a Brooklyn, New York resident who took part in the months-long survey. Vargas, 34, like many other subjects of the controversial study, said that while he was in line at the grocery store in August of 2014, preparing to buy pasta and, bread rolls, and chips and dip for a backyard party he was preparing, was suddenly grabbed on the arm by none other than an old, nondescript Black woman, who accosted him about how such foods would impact his colon.
“At first I was confused, didn’t know what to think,” Vargas to the Boston University research team, “but when I asked ‘What the heck are you doing bothering me on what I buy, the old Black lady laid into me...told me I was destined for colon cancer due to my chronic constipation! ...I was like, ‘What..?’ And then the old Black lady got in my face and all and said ‘Baby, don’tcha know how horrible all these carbs and chips and processed food is going to be doin’ to your digestive system? Jesus, baby, don’tcha know?! ...You just can’t be lumbering around all those hard, lumpy old logs inside you forever. ...That shit’s gonna kill you, baby!”
Like many who participated in the university’s study, Vargas was initially taken aback by his random encounter with a cantankerous old Black woman who was unusually concerned about his bowels and his digestive system, but then succumbed to the realization: “After I left (the grocery store), I thought to myself ‘Damn, Fred, that crazy old Black woman was right —I do suffer from chronic constipation! I grunt and groan on the throne for 30 minutes sometimes just trying to squeeze out nothing more than a golf ball-sized nugget! It’s really embarrassing, when I think back on it. I’m been such a fool. ...I didn’t make any New Years resolutions, but I think I am now, and that is going to be for no more chronic constipation! To hell with crying out on the toilet for just a few plop-plop pebbles! To hell, I say! Thank God for that weird old Black lady and her concern about my weak and strained ‘winker’!”
So take heed fellow men, ages 35 to 75, if you’re chronically constipated, there’s more than a good chance some old, grumpy Black lady out there is waiting to chew you up and spit you out if you don’t cut out the carbs, eat your damn broccoli, and get regular. ...This means you, too...RAYMOND!