(SANFORD, CA) —For many couples in the U.S. who may have troubled sex lives, a new study released today from the University of Stanford shows surprising results and possibly brighter futures for those with issues in the bedroom.
Sociology students from Stanford studying married and cohabiting couples over a six month period found that couples who hoist an enormous “STOP” sign in bed and plant it between themselves stand a significantly greater chance of receiving less sex, and less satisfying sex, than those who do not carry and/or hold a big road-sized STOP sign in bed.
“I would classify our findings as stunning, to say the least,” said Dr. Kildor Klinenhoff, the lead researcher for Stanford’s Department of Sociology. Dr. Klinenhoff and his student assistance monitored over 200 couples from October of last year, at a cost of $3,289,040, mostly paid by federal grants. Couples who got into bed with a road-sized STOP sign between them were 91% less likely to attempt to engage in sexual intercourse, or to perform it effectively, where as couples with no STOP signs in bed were forced to rely on more complex issues to prevent them from having sex, such as financial problems, personality conflicts, screaming children, and fidelity issues. However in the end, according to Klinenhoff, an enormous STOP sign was always a major detriment to couples’ sex lives.
Celeste and Lu Park, participants in the study, said that their sex lives have improved dramatically after researchers had them remove their STOP sign from the middle of their bed. “Lu and I kept trying to make love each morning, but this STOP sign kept getting in the way. It was really beginning to put a strain on our marriage,” said Mrs. Park. “Now Lu and I can get as close as we want in bed without some huge, sharp hunk of metal that says “STOP” coming between us. We’re so grateful.”
Couples already have enough worries in life, according to Dr. Klinenhoff, without the intrusion of STOP signs in their physical relationships. “It’s time to say ‘stop’ to STOP signs in bed. That’s incontrovertible,” Klinenhoff said. “Hopefully as news of our study spreads, millions of couples will start leaving their STOP signs in the bathtubs where they belong and will find their physical intimacy improving.”
P.S. Dear Onion,