Ahmadinejad Demands Return of All Persian Cats to Iran
by Joel Nieldbaum, Duh Progressive Middle-East liaison
Friday, September 30th, 2011,
Tehran, Iran —The international community was stunned yesterday when Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad publicly demanded the return of all the world’s Persian cats to Iran.
Just days after accusing the U.S. of being behind the attacks of 9/11 at the United Nations’ General Assembly in New York, the fiery Iranian president held a press conference outside Iran’s parliament, brandishing a helpless eight-week-old Persian kitten and demanded that Persian cat owners worldwide return their pets to their “rightful homeland.”
“The treasures of Iran have been stolen, enslaved, and exploited for too long,” Ahmadinejad shouted, “and this includes her native animals. It’s time we demand the return of these precious creatures to their rightful homeland! It is time Persians demand their native kittens back!”
Yesterday’s outburst by the controversial Iranian leader signified a new low in the relationship between Iran and the West, as Ahmadinejad aimed most of his vitriol at the U.S. and Europe, accusing the West of over 200 years of Persian cat-kidnapping, and keeping Persian cats away from their “true culture” and the “soil of their ancestors.”
The demands by the Iranian president undoubtedly further already strained relations between the U.S. and the Persian cat community. Even compared to Iran’s pursuit of nuclear energy, experts are deeming demand’s speech the greatest threat to U.S.—Iranian relations since the 1979 hostage crisis.
Some in the U.N. view Ahmadinejad’s demands as part of a systematic effort to exploit the West of Iranian oil and other natural resources (carpets, hummus, carpets, and carpets), with Persian cats being a simply a pawn among such fleecing. However the bulk of the U.N. is taking Ahmadinejad’s demands at face value, and unnervingly.
“This is a most egregious demand,” said U.N. General Secretary Ban-Ki-Moon Friday. “It’s one thing for Iran to smuggle rockets into the Gaza Strip so they can be fired on Israeli cities, or training terrorists to infiltrate Iraq and Afghanistan, but demanding the return of all Persian cats? That is beyond reason. This is pure insanity!”
Indeed, an emergency meeting has already been held by the U.N. Security Council to assess Ahmadinejad’s newest demands. “If Ahmadinejad’s call for the return of Persian cats is even slightly 
adhered to, it could spell disaster,” said Martin Nesirky, spokesperson for the United Nations’ Secretary-General, “If even a fraction of the world’s Persian felines are sent back to the Tehran who knows what will become of them.”
Iranian Nukes and Persian Cats: A Recipe For Apocalypse?
More unsettling to the U.S. and its allies is the possibility of a future Iranian double-whammy: a regime armed with both nuclear weapons and Persian cats!
According to the infamous radical Islamic Persian cat web site, CaliphateKittens.com, there are an estimated 16.7 million Persian cats in the world, and while the Obama administration has publicly taken a noticeably softer stance on Iran and its pursuit of nuclear weapons, Ahmadinejad’s demand for Persian cat repatriation have shaken many among it, particularly within the State Department.
“This madman can never gain control of thermonuclear weapons and these snorting, flatten–featured felines,” said State Department Spokesperson Victoria Nuland to Duh Progressive Friday. “It’s bad enough to think of a psychotic Iranian regime steeped in nihilism at the helm of nuclear weapons. But to imagine millions of Persian cats also at the helm of these weapons is beyond terrifying.”
As for the Secretary Hillary Clinton herself, she has remained publically silent following Ahmadinejad’s speech Thursday. However anonymous sources close to Clinton, as well as in the Department of Homeland Security, have confided that Ahmadinejad may have won a decisive round of “international public relations terrorism,” explaining that no matter whether Persian cat owners (and breeders!) send their perpendicular-faced felines back to Iran for repatriation or not, Ahmadinejad’s speech may have sown the seeds of suspicion, even blind paranoia, among the West’s Persian cat owners.
“And that’s exactly the point of this (threat),” former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said to reporters Friday. “The fact that Ahmadinejad has called for this global ‘recall’ may not be a demand, so much as it could be a signal; a call for radicalized Persian cats to rise up against their owners and do God-knows what. There could be Persian kitten sleeper cells right now –right now!– ready to commit terrorist acts at the direction of the (Iranian) regime. From shitting on kitchen counters, to unraveling entire toilet paper rolls, eating chocolate or scotch tape, to even detonating weapons of mass destructions that kill thousands... The possibilities are endless.” (just like the directions this f*cking article could have taken. So, please, stop writing in with a bunch of “you should have done this and 
that” bullshit…believe us, you can only do so much with one article, so knock it off!)
Rose Lorenzo, of Riverside, CA, said she and her family may have already been victims of a “dirty bomb” from her four-year-old Persian cat, “Mr. Sprinkles” (if that is indeed his real name). But whether it was in response to President Ahmadinejad’s fiery speech Thursday was still unclear, according to the 45-year-old postal employee. “My youngest son was letting Mr. Sprinkles lick peanut butter off his fingers for the first time, just around the same time we heard (Ahmadinejad’s) speech on the news,” recounted Ms. Lorenzo. “About 45 minutes later there was this terrible meow from Mr. Sprinkles, and then this smell… this… JESUS CHRIST, whata smell…! The whole (expletive) apartment complex had to clear out! Mr. Sprinkles had unleashed a fiendish scheme of unprecedented anguish of some kind. ίOh, mis Dios!”
Although Pentagon officials and Mid-East analysts are hesitant to classify Ms. Lorenzo’s Persian cat’s explosive diarrhea as a “domestic terrorist attack,” experts still have good reason to be weary of Ahmadinejad’s alleged demands for Persian cat repatriation.
International experts on Iran and Allied intelligence agencies have speculated that if Persian cats are again reared solely inside Tehran’s fundamentalist regime, many once-friendly felines will be brainwashed into rabid jihadists. Some experts fear that the flat-faced furries will be trained to fight in Afghanistan and Iraq, at the very least. Evidence has routinely been smuggled out of Iran which points to a more sinister plan by the radical regime to train Persian cats, particularly kittens, in the art of guerrilla warfare and terrorism, teaching them skills such as planting bombs, IEDs, sniping, assassination, well poisoning and suicide bombing.
President Obama took time out yesterday during a Rose garden press conference to address the fears of possible Persian cat terrorists from Iran.
“I am well aware of the Iranian demands for Persian cat repatriation, and I urge Persian cat owners worldwide not to take heed to such demands. If these cats and kittens were to be trained by the Iranian regime, like their human counterparts we’ve seen infiltrating Iraq and Afghanistan, the damage they could inflict could be devastating. World peace itself would be in jeopardy.”
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