To my absolute shithead, drunk, no-good piece of unemployed, slimy human waste that I call a ‘husband’:
Baby, I know we haven’t slept together in six months. When I’m not staying with my sister we don’t even sleep in the same room. You haven’t been employed since punching out your old boss last October, and you haven’t legally driven since your fifth D.U.I.
We hardly speak anymore without fighting. You don’t support me as I obtain my thirteenth associate’s degree from community college. We only talk to make sure who is dropping the kids off at daycare or my parents’ house, and even then we never smile at each other or nothing.
We ignore our anniversary, birthdays and holidays. We haven’t said a kind word to each other since being in front of that counselor lady a year ago. Just admit it, Randy, our marriage is in shambles! It’s ruined! Five years of marriage, three children, and nothing to show for any of it.
But I have the solution: I think we can solve all of our problems if we just have three morekids. Maybe not like triplets, but no less than one immediately after the other. Let’s make sure that I get pregnant as soon as I can after each kid is born. That is the only way we can save our marriage, Randy.
Everyone knows that nothing brings fighting couples together better than a lot of children born one right after the other. So I think we should get right to it, baby. What could go wrong? Nothing could go wrong. This plan of mine is fool-proof. There can only be great things for us if we have these three more children as quickly as possible.
There are people out there who may think we’re being foolish, but let them stand and be amazed at how well we come back together as a loving family once we have all these new kids. Let’s see how heartless that repo man will be when he shows up again to take our car and sees me with three new little ones! Let’s see how heartless those debt collectors are when they call up and hear three more screaming kids in the background! Let’s see how quick the police will be to arrest you then next time they’re called out to our house and see three new shoeless, shirtless tykes running around! We will marvel at how they will be rendered powerless to harass us anymore.
Oh, Randy, we will shock our friends and family with how well these three new mouths to feed will bring us together as a couple and make us function as a stable, respectable family again.
I know it has been a while since I last wrote, but that doesn’t mean I have stopped grieving.
I also know this is the Holiday season and a time for goodwill and cheer; a time to look at the brighter side of life and appreciate the blessings (or not, for those of the non-faith community) we have. However, there are many in the world who get depressed during the holidays. They look around at everyone else being so appreciative and gleeful, while they are not, and see all the pain, poverty and oppression still remaining in the world.
So therefore I have no other choice but to continue grieving. I am still grieving, and I find it offensive that many of you out there aren’t grieving as heavily as me. But rest assured, fellow grievers, my grieving process is still so much bigger than everyone else’s grieving process.
If you’re even attempting to compare your grieving process to mine, you’ll lose. I grieve and grieve and grieve so much more than anyone I know or have seen on daytime television. My grieving process has caused me to miss work, and miss work for at least six years. And now, with Christmas upon us, I’ve been plunged even deeper into my grieving process. My grieving process is so big –it’s bigger than ever! I grieve, and grieve, and grieve..!
My enormous grieving process began seven years ago, with the death of my younger niece, Anna. She developed complications after her second botox injection at age 14 and never recovered. That led me to grieve. Others in my family were beginning to cope with Anna’s death after a few years –returning to work, eating regularly, sleeping soundly, and regaining normal attitudes. How insensitive! How mean-spirited! And I, for one, can’t stand by while others go one about their lives, completely ignoring the pain and suffering of the dead.
How can I be a friend and relative of people so insensitive?! People should grieve, and grieve ceaselessly.
Not only did I realize then that my family was massively insensitive, but my friends, their families, their families’ friends, my town, my state and the entire country (and indeed, the nation) were totally self-absorbed and insensitive. No one has ever paid the deceased, poor and imprisoned their fair share of grief. But I refuse to continue this callous trend, particularly in December. I will continue to grieve and grieve, and there will be no stopping my grief, or the time I take off work or leave my two kids on extended visitations with their father while I remain perched atop this giant Redwood tree with all my Sigur Ros albums, still trying to come to grips with all the death and misery in this world.
The rest of America can go about living as if everything is normal and enjoy their Christmases, Hanukkahs, Kwanzass, Al- Hijra/Muharrams, and Bodhi Days, but that is heartless and disrespectful to us grievers. One day we will be in front of God, and She will be asking how have we honored the dead, poor and oppressed, and I may be the only one I know who can answer that ultimate question nobly. My grieving process is bigger than your grieving process, hands down. …Y—Yeah, that’s right, you should feel guilty!
Professional Poet, Griever