“Mommy, what’s a ‘human centipede’?”
“Mommy, why does that man want to surgically attached people’s mouths to…?”
Children can be a treasure trove of questions, can’t they? They gaze around and wonder what this big scary “world” is all about, and leave you to explain it to them. And sometimes their questions can be uncomfortable. This is why, as a parent and a child psychiatrist, I suggest communing with your child before taking them to see the new marvelous feat of cinematic mastery now playing in independent film theatres nationwide. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about “Human Centipede II.”
If you are like me, you remember taking your toddler to see the first “Human Centipede” film in 2009, and how dazzled they were at its heartwarming tale of boyhood ambitions, coming of age, and one man’s struggle to live his dreams in a society not always accepting of his unique cutting-edge desires.
However “Human Centipede II” is not your everyday quasi scat porn horror flick you can just plop your kids in front of while you run errands. One just cannot take little Susie or Johnny to see this newest film by Dutch director Tom Six without first discussing a few facts about the movie and its themes. So, as a nationally renowned child psychiatrist and author of six books on developmental psychology, I recommend explaining to your child the following conceptions before the theatre goes dark and “Human Centipede II” blares before them in all its glory:
(1.) That What They Are Watching Is Not Real, In a Way
More than likely, your child probably has heard this already before watching a scary movie. But what your child needs to know is real is the desire of the movie’s star, Martin, which is common in Western European countries for those who feel they are on the outskirts of societal norms and mores. Scatophilia is becoming increasingly accepted in the psychology community as a healthy additive to other behaviors of affection (all of which are equal in the first place, of course). Some day soon, acts as casual and benign as kissing in public, nude beaches, polyamory, or the occassional bodily exploration via small woodland creatures, will be considered on par with creating a “human centipede.” So your child should know that what they are watching will be totally socially acceptable by the time they are old enough to make their own choice in the matter.
(2.) We All Love Differently
Human beings have been making choices about their choices (and their choice’s for their choices’ choices) for expressions of love throughout time. The history of Humankind is one of struggle to have alternate forms of love accepted by society, and your child needs to know this. So when they see Human Centipede II’s main character, Martin, attempting to create his dream, they must know that all forms of active fondness are equal, and are no cause for shame or humiliation. After all, considering someone’s choice of how they express their love to be “different” inevitably leaves it at risk of being considered “abnormal,” therefore “inferior.” And we all know what this can lead to –bullying. Yes, BULLYING: the scourge of humanity.
Indeed, would you want your future copropheliac child to be bullied because of their beliefs and behavior? I didn’t think so. So why would they then be given cause to believe that wanting to create a human centipede is different than any other form of “human love unity”? Your child must understand that Martin’s aspirations, if considered to be unconventional, therefore “inferior,” can lead to prejudice, and ultimately death. And death is never a positive thing for human-to-human affections.
(3.) Everyone Need a Hobby
Some people collect stamps, some people play softball, others try to be the conservative/ libertarian Onion of their day (to no avail), and others enjoy bird watching. Point is: human beings have a natural yearning to pass their spare time doing things they love that are not always of financial benefit. How and why those pleasures develop is not up for anyone to judge, or assess. Or even notice. No siree. If we notice them, then we will be able to assess them, through our own prism of experiences; that means inevitably judging those loved pastimes. And who wants to be judged, right?
If we take far, esoteric stance away from the world, we can clearly see the suffering that has been caused by the act of judgment. Your child should know that he or she (or she-he) should not assess a simple man who likes to explore his ambitions in his free time.
Well, there you have it. I hope I’ve cleared the air a bit and helped answer some questions that will help you as a parent. With these three things in mind, your child should be able to further relax and enjoy their second Human Centipede cinematic experience.
Thank you and Nature’s blessings unto you.
—Dr. Glenda Minkmier,
Nationally Renowned Child Psychiatrist,
DISCLAIMER: Due to the inflammatory nature of this "commentary," Duh Progressive once again reminds its readers that the psychiatrist who supposedly wrote this piece DOES NOT exist, and the lovely lady in the photo is NOT in any way "Dr. Glenda Minkmier," or has anything to do with this article. Thank you.