Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,
Today I woke up and went through a tragic and routine ordeal: I bashed myself in the head with a hammer.
I got out of bed, walked down to my closet, pulled out my tool box, produced a 12-ounce carpenter’s hammer, and wacked myself in the eyebrow with it forcefully. I fell down, blood poured everywhere. After a few minutes of seeing stars the bleeding stopped, and I was able to bandage myself up and head to work. But the sad thing is, Mrs. Obama: that is the third time this month that I’ve beaten myself in the head with a hammer.
You see, Mrs. Obama, me and thousands of others in America have suffered for years from the devastating effects of the medically diagnosed Uncontrollable Cranial Hammer Bashing Disease (UCHBD). It is a painful, humiliating, and debilitating affliction where one is overcome repeatedly with unstoppable urges to beat themselves about the face and skull with a hammer. This rare, but devastating disease usually develops in young men during their late 20s or early 30s, about the average age they get married. Once people are possessed with the untamable urge to attack their own heads with hammers, their life span can be drastically shortened. Concussions are common results, as well as recurring bouts of aphasia, coordination difficulties, mood swings, confusion, profuse facial bleeding, bruises, tooth loss, soreness, hearing and vision difficulties, loneliness, celibacy, depression, voting Democrat, and swelling of the brain leading to loss of life, or death, or worse.
Last week I was walking home from work and passed a hardware store. Before I could stop myself, I had walked in, found the hammer section, and beaten myself senseless in the middle of isle 13. Store employees were appalled, police and EMS crews were summoned, and my health insurance company dumped me again —the fourth time since 2011!
I’ve bonded online with Uncontrollable Cranial Hammer Bashing Disease support groups, but they only bring fleeting senses of comfort, not a cure. Last week we lost one of our members, Pete Lenepft, of San Diego, after he intentionally held his eye in the path of a one-ton wrecking ball at a construction site near his house (which is uncommon among UCHBD sufferers, since using objects so large they may cause death is counter-productive, depriving them of future opportunities for more masochistic acts of self-head-hammer attacks).
It was a tragic loss, Mrs. Obama. Pete was mourned, his kids are fatherless, his wife a widow… But yet the federal government does nothing to help stop this deadly mental affliction.
Why, Mrs. Obama?
For years society has turned a blind —or swollen— eye to self–cranial hammer pummeling. It is a disease, Madam First Lady, a real disease that no one takes seriously, especially the federal government. Where is the Center for Disease Control? Where is the Department of Health and Human Services? Where is your husband? But most of all, where are you, Mrs. First Lady?
Mrs. Obama, you’ve staked your career as First Lady on making sure Americans eat healthy, that people workout, that schools no longer serve food children actually want to eat; and in effect, of trying to be our Control Freak–in–Chief, gallantly saving us from our own stupidity, whether we like it or not. Well, what about us, Mrs. Obama; us self-beating-our-heads-with-hammers people?! Are you not aware? Or do you just not care?
When are you going to get your husband to appoint some czar or agency to stop us UCHBD sufferers from beating ourselves absurdly about our craniums with home improvement tools? Huh? HUH?! Where among your litany of bad habits only you can save Americans from do we hammer-head-beaters fall, Mrs. Obama?! Dear Ms. First Lady, have you no shame? How can I and the estimated 31,000 other self-hammer-head-attackers ever get help and stop ourselves without your benevolently persuasive, velvet-covered hand, Madam First Lady?
Your food police are already yanking homemade turkey sandwiches from preschoolers (consequently making them eat cafeteria-style chicken nuggets, because that’s such a step up in nutrition), making sure the food their own families prepare for them is up to federal FDA standards, Mrs. Obama. Well, when will one of your compassionate agents come invade my life and grab the hammer from my hand before I send it on a splittingly disastrous date with my left ear? When will your administration come save me from myself, Mrs. I-Care-So-Much-Let-Me-Smother-You-To-Death-Obama?
There are 30,999 other UCHBD sufferers out here, Mrs. Obama, just waiting for you to come take the hammers away from us, or should there just be a national hammer-ban altogether? And to add insult to injury, nowhere in your husband’s healthcare overhaul does it provide unlimited coverage for people who cannot stop themselves from assaulting their own heads with hammers. Talk about insensitive! What kind of heartless ghouls did I vote for in 2008?!
Enough is enough, Mrs. Obama. It is time you step up for us self-melon-maimers. You have been wasting your time so much telling Americans what’s good for them and not, you have callously turned your back on Uncontrollable Cranial Hammer Bashers everywhere. And time is running out for us, Dear Ma’am. For if nothing is done, those of us who are still alive may just end up beating ourselves so senseless we’ll vote for you again! Or is that what you secretly want, Mrs. Obama?
P.S. Ouuuwww!! (I did it again)