Dear Christians Around the World,
Before anything else, I must apologize to the First Family of the United States’ and all their guests who attended their annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which I attended, as always, on Monday, April the 6th. As many of you know, there was an incident and controversy that took place during the annual White House “Easter Egg Roll” celebration when hundreds of children, participating in the Easter egg hunt portion of the day’s activities discovered hundreds of plastic Easter eggs not containing candy or small gifts, but quotes from the Islamic Quran and the Hadith.
This was an unfortunate incident that made for a very uncomfortable day and ruined Easter for a lot of families invited to the White House. And I, your Easter Bunny, was the culprit who put those pieces of fortune cookie-like quotes in those Easter eggs. Despite what many have suspected, it was not President Obama or anyone from the White House who did this. It was me.
The fact of the matter is, my former Christian followers and those who looked to me as a symbol of Jesus Christ’s resurrection, I am converting to Islam. Easter 2015 will be the last one your beloved Easter Bunny will spend as a furry, friendly, loveable, inadvertent conduit for Christianity and its holiest day.
I wish I were joking, but facts are the facts. And I have found those “facts” of how to strive, hop, hide, eat, worship, and live my daily life as a giant, bucktoothed rodent living in a crumbling, hedonistic, all-things-relevant, gargantuan castle of decadence called “Judeo−Christian Western Modernity”. For I have found Islam!
I was introduced into American culture from German immigrants in the 18th Century. As Easter after Easter went on, I began noticing that my popularity grew throughout the late 19th and early 20th centuries, and by the midst of the Cold War, I was an undisputed icon. I was a loveable hero...what the...? ...A hero? A hero to whom, to what? —I’m a giant, mutant, bunny, the result of inbreeding from my hedonistic commie clan of self-indulging white-tailed tarts, now the celeb-du-jour representing the life, cause, crusade, message and ultimate horrific execution and holy resurrection of one of the three prophets. Think about that: from being plucked from Germany’s dense Black Forest to now being the icon of Christians during Easter.... I am saddened and personally humiliated to realize that I was becoming the “face”, the “physical embodiment” of Christ and his rebirth and great tale of woe and triumph, something which Islam does not traditionally project or encourage (a physical, visual being to represent any god, let alone the true and one God —Allah).
Thus I grew depressed. Maybe being over 200 years old is a little late to have a mid-life crisis, but I found myself in one throughout the last few years. I felt taken for granted, belittled, only called upon to give snotty, ungrateful rug-rats stupid gifts and be thought of only once a year, many times by supposed Christians who only think of or took their “faith” seriously twice a year (Christmas and Easter, which I’m sorry, but is bullshit if you claim you are one truly “devout”). I felt I was a joke...a big, giant, deformed furry, bucktoothed fucking joke! I became the pawn of simply another grand, corporate−concocted reason for shallow, superficial “ pseudo-believers” to buy shit they don’t need, and for me to bend over and grant people’s material wishes in the name of religion...instead of fighting for a religion, fighting for something greater than me, greater than humanity itself! ...Now I have found that “something”.
I began studying more of Islam after the Boston Marathon Bombings two years ago, and looked back on our failed experience in Iraq. How could so few disheveled, seemingly haphazardly banded Islamic “insurgents” bog down the mightiest military force on earth, I wondered. That question kept running through my meager rodent mind as the U.S. began to withdraw its forces and a new insurgency rose across North Africa and especially in Syria. I bought a Quran, along with other sacred Islamic writs and studied them, all while doing my duty each Easter to gift Christian children in the West with little presents and my presence. But my presence began shifting allegiance over the past two years, and now I must renounce the religion I was born and raised to represent. Your “Easter Bunny” is now the “Islam Bunny”.
Now I understand why such a small group of Muslims caused the greatest powers in the world so much consternation, fear, havoc, obsession, military and intelligence expenditures, dominate their news, rule everyday conversations and the political scene, and increasingly, bring death. Islam is going to win because Islam is stronger, period. Islam doesn’t put up with the “live and let live”, “everyone’s pleasure is relative”, “to each his own”, “if it feels good, do it” bullshit mentality that has taken over the West and especially America over the last 50 years. When you “submit”, you submit, period.
There are no ifs, ands, or buts in Islam. What is written is written, and must be followed, or else there will be consequences, unlike in Christianity where one can be forgiven for their sins. And to where does forgiveness ultimately lead? —it leads to a “get out of jail free card”, that’s what; just a means to do the same sinful behaviors again. Under the Imams and the dictates by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), there is room for forgiveness in Islam, but not before the sinner is punished, suffers and repents, and convinces his family, community and his Imam that he sincerely, in his heart, understands what and why he did was wrong, and will not commit it again. Then there are those sins where the sinner must pay the ultimate price. That’s another thing I like about Islam. Christianity has just become too limp-wristed, let’s face it. Christianity has lost its balls, man. BALLS! And being a rabbit that screws its brains out and has a whole new litter of new bunnies running around by the end of every week, I like “balls”, in every sense.
Good God / Allah, just look how Christians have let us Muslims overrun Europe and establish “no go zones”; mini caliphates, and on average —particularly in Europe— sentence a Muslim who is found plotting an attack on Christians to just a few years in jail or simply deported. You think the Knights Templar would have put up with such bullshit?! Ehh, nope! That’s because they were Christians with balls. BALLS, I SAY! If only Christians hadn’t grown so soft due to the luxuries their rich societies afforded them over the years then maybe they wouldn’t be in the Islam-vs-Western modernity struggle they’re facing now in their own countries today. A religion that preaches against decadence and sin, yet forgives those whom indulge in it without first inflicting pain and suffering on to them is a religion destined for failure. Combine Christianity’s weakness in the face of Islam’s strength (some would call it inhuman brutality or nihilism or whatever) within increasingly secular societies that condone or excuse any behavior of its people out of some obscure sense of guilt, repentance, of the harsh mandates they imposed on people a long time ago, Christianity has also adopted that guilt, and so now teeters over the cliff of vanishing. Jesus (and Muhammad!), why would I want to be a representative of “that sort” of Christianity and the whatever-feels-good-do-it secular societies its flaccidness has become fused to?
I want to be strong. I’m a damn mutant rabbit, for Heaven’s sake! —why wouldn’t I want to be a member of a strong, growing religion, rather than an increasingly meek, diminishing one? So yes, I admit, a little bit of wanting to be on the winning side of “holy history” has factored into my conversion. Heh —sue me!
Now of course there are silly rules I must follow as a Muslim, now that I have worked my last Easter and have formally “submitted”, and many of my new Muslim friends find them silly too. Like pork, for one thing... Damn, do you know how many Muslims have tried pork and loved the shit out of it?! Millions! Who can’t love bacon?! I’ll bet my furry bunny balls no one, even if they’re allergic to pork can’t admit that well-cooked bacon is better than licking strawberry syrup off Kate Upton’s ass after a hot shower! But do Muslims make eating pork a regular thing? Do we fast for days or bow towards Mecca and stick our fuzzy butts in the air five times a day (come to find out, my butt is one of the least hairy I’ve seen among my new Muslim brethren yet. Go figure!) because we believe lightening will strike us or Allah wreak vengeance on us if we don’t? Of course not! These things are not what make us Muslim, but help prove our loyalty to Allah and his Prophet (peace be upon him); they are tests and tasks that are supposed to be ridiculous, yet one must recognize in order to prove oneself in accordance and obedience to something greater than yourself and everyone you love. Do you all remember what doing things like that was like in order to prove your devotion to a Higher Power and something greater than yourselves, my former Christian brothers?? Or do you not even have the time anymore to Google it on your stupid “smart phones” to find out in between sexting each other and playing Candy Crush? Like, shiiiiiiiiiit...being a Muslim isn’t about stupid fasts and abstaining from drinking (although other drugs are cool...a good snort of pure “Panama Paradise” and whoo, baby, you won’t be feeling your face for a month!!), it’s about doing silly, inane things and abiding by ludicrous rules in order to prove loyalty, dedication, temperance, and love for something far greater and superior than you or any earthly power. Remember that, Christianity?!
And yes, there are those unfortunate incidents in Islam (which there are many sects and degrees of, just to remind you) involving animal and child abuse, spousal abuse and the occasional public hanging, beheading, honor killing, crucifixion, castration, limb severing, and lighting people on fire that gives us a bad name. Oh, and suicide bombers and “lone wolf” attackers that just are a really big pain in Allah’s holy ass. Just look at the mayhem in the Middle East today: Muslims fighting mostly other Muslims. Disgraceful! That’s another reason I “submitted” —to have a former Christian icon and celebrity among their ranks may help bring peace to the poor, fractioned, wooly, infighting buggers. Maybe I’ll help unite the factions of Muslims and stop this bloodshed! Maybe I can do some good for these folks, unlike among Christians, who have enough sense to not kill each other by the bushel every damned day. Dear Allah, I could be a force for good and peace among Muslims, instead of the two-bit, materialistic lackey of a fallen religion I’ve been for Allah-knows how long; a religion that by its very dictates, “turn the other cheek” for example, invites negligence, weakness (personal and collective), timidity, over-heightened sense of forgiveness, apology for sin and disrespect, and worst of all, self-pity. In Islamic societies, when something goes wrong, it’s never our fault, never, always someone else’s, and usually someone or some “force” non-Islamic or not of whomever’s sect of Islam. We’re totally guiltless for whatever woe befalls us, don’t you know?
So, basically, there you have it, folks. This is your Easter Bunny; your 200-plus-year-old fluffy, severely orthodontically-challenged rabbit with elephantiasis signing off on Christianity and the hedonistic societies its ingrained and growing weaknesses has allowed to corrode from within. Islam stands for things distinct, sharp, inflexible, discipline and order. I am converting to Islam because I don’t want to be representing a religion that is, as I have come to realize, innately self-destructive, and via its humility allows outside influences to come in and destroy it. People bash “Islamists” as being throw-backs to the 9th Century. And maybe they’re right. But at least in 800 A.D. there were distinct rules, and when you disrespected them, it meant your ass.
I’m not joining Islam to blow anyone up or take part in the annihilation of billions of infidels, either. Nope. Beheadings and flaming human torches ain’t for me. I just want to be part of something hard, that needs hard work to be part of, every day, multiple times a day, and demands adherence to and from the well-meaning, the devout, the loyal, and devoted, no matter how bizarre its dictates demand (depending on which sect of Islam I happen to like the most).
So goodbye, Christianity. I’m happy to have made your live-by-moment-to-moment-lives a little brighter on just one day of each year you only care to recognize that you are indeed Christians. ...Too bad, huh? Take good care, as well as your iPhones can tell you to. Goodbye, former brothers and friends. I just need stability.
UPDATE: According to the Al Jazeera news network’s office in northern Syria, the Easter Bunny was promptly beheaded, skinned, and eaten upon meeting with representatives of the “Islamic State” (ISIS) early this morning.