Dear fellow humans,
In 2008 America took a momentous step in electing Barack Obama, the first African-America president of the United States. Crowds cheered, people cried for joy. In my neighborhood people danced in the streets and lit fireworks. The media was enthralled beyond expression. America vacillated between fascination and obsession with the new, young, alluring president. Who was this mysterious man we had elected to lead us?
Hello everyone, Duh Progressive readers, etc.
It’s nice to speak to you all today. Yet I am afraid I’m coming to you with some discouraging news. I teach math in one of Chicago’s public schools, the name of which I do not care to mention for reasons of employment risks (speaking of which: yes, it sucks to be back at work).
Regardless, I have been teaching math for 12 years and I must admit: the situation with America’s youth and their comprehension of fundamental math has never been worse. I teach 7th grade algebra and remedial arithmetic in Chicago, and never have I seen young adults so inept at learning basic math. Sure, there are always some kids who will struggle, but their numbers are increasing every year since I began teaching. So I’ve decided to publish five of the most common questions I ask on the tests I give, those which my students seem to have the most trouble with; five of the most critical, challenging mathematical conundrums American academia can conjure. This is a simple lesson I wish all to take, however old you may be. After all, it’s never too late to brush up on your comprehensive math skills. So here we go:
Dear Mr. President Obama,
Dude, Mr. President, why am I still in charge of the French fries at McDonald’s? It’s been, like, 4 years and all since you took office and my life hasn’t gotten any better at all.
I turned 18 just before you were first elected, and your winning in 2008 was the best birthday gift I ever had. I almost even voted for you. I worked at McDonald’s at the time. I was in charge of their French fries. I believed your speeches and the hype, the Hope and the Change, and knew my life would get so much better once you were elected.
I’m sorry, America. I'm sorry, fiscal future of the United States. Sorry, future generations of Americans. So sorry, Republican Party. And finally, my (begrudging) sympathies to Mitt Romney. I’m so sorry, sir.
See, Mr. Romney, you could have been a real contender. You could have won the presidential election with considerable ease, laying to waste four years of crippling, detrimental collectivist policies of Barack Obama. You could have won it all, Mitt Romney, had you not chosen Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan as your vice presidential running mate.
So America, the moment you all have been waiting for is here. It is time you heard from a expert cultural critic, a champion social pioneer, human rights and health advocate, and public policy expert. Yes, America it’s time you heard me, First Lady Michelle Obama address the aweful tragedy in Aurora, Colorado last Friday.