My Fellow Americans,
Over the past few years I have been accused of many things, but the charge which has stuck in my craw the most is that I am "not concerned enough" about the American people. The Washington Post says I’m “out of touch.” The New York Times says I take too long to “contemplate matters.” James Carville blasts me for “dragging my feet” and being apathetic, and “aloof.” Even my former top officials, like Shirley Sherrod, say I “don’t know what it’s like (to be a true Black American).”
Let me announce that I pled not guilty this week to murdering, dismembering, and eating my gay lover, 33-year-old Chinese exchange student Jun Lin, back in May. I also pled not guilty to videotaping myself having sex with Lin’s limbless corpse and eating his brain. But the thing is: I do not deny doing these things. I never did. But yet I am “not guilty,” either. Hear me out:
I am responding to your story titled "Student's ‘Gross’ Opinion Plunges College Diversity Class into Chaos," (click the link, it's most terrifying) about the young lady at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst whose opinion caused such turmoil on their campus last week. I totally agree with the university’s handling of the affair, and wish to see the young “lady”, Ms. Dillon, academically disciplined and also serve time behind bars (no more than a few years).
Like most children her age, my daughter, Mercedes, has a very active imagination. And it is common for children her age to have imaginary friends. Mercedes, too, has such a friend. Her imaginary friend’s name is Cheverly. Mercedes talks about Cheverly all the time, and it is so cute.
However the more my daughter tells me about "Cheverly" the more I get a certain feeling about this make-believe friend of hers. There is something I think my daughter, as bright and intuitive as is, is missing when it comes to Cheverly. And that is this: I think Cheverly is gay. It might seem strange or silly to some people of how a mother can tell her child’s imaginary friend is gay, but trust me, a mother knows these things.
Duh Progressive is pleased and honored, however morbidly, to be the first prestigious news organization to receive direct contact from accused Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony, following the release of the, come to find out, oh–so timely and extraordinarily accurate and in no way condescending or counter–productive Kony 2012 video. The leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army contacted us with the following heartfelt statement:
Okay, it’s time to take the gloves off and finally get tough…with myself. Yes. Yes, it is time for me to fess up and admit to what I have done. I’m not kidding. This is Lord’s Resistance Army’s leader and High Priest, Joseph Kony: humble, honest, and unplugged. And I’m here to say that I am sorry.