by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Tuesday, February 8th, 2011
CLEVELAND, OH —Reeling in shame and humiliation from his latest scandal, Ohio toddler Tyler Nguyen announced today he will be entering rehab. His decision to check himself into Cleveland’s St. Margaret Rehabilitation Center comes just days after the 30-month-old spilled a six-ounce glass of orange juice during breakfast.
Police arrived to the Nguyen home earlyFriday morning after receiving a frantic call from an unidentified family member, detailing the spillage of the Tropicana juice on Nguyen’s highchair and kitchen floor.
by June Schlitz, DP Penile Relations Liaison
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
(NEW YORK) —Less than a week after admitting to sending lewd photos of his genitals to various women on line, the unofficial "star" of the Anthony Weiner saga announced Monday it plans on running for the disgraced Representative's own office.
In a candid CNN interview Monday night, Congressman Anthony Weiner's penis declared it is challenging its very owner next year for New York's Ninth District, setting the stage for one of the strangest election year dramas in U.S. history. Weiner's penis told CNN's Piers Morgan it feels
Tuesday, May 24th, 2011
(MONEYGALL, IRELAND) ―President Barack Obama's endorsement of a longtime demand for Israel to withdraw to its pre-1967 borders has stunned the international community and further strained the relationship between the U.S. and its strongest Mid-East ally. But apparently President Obama's "reassuring" comments on the matter Monday have helped ease the Jewish state’s fears and ruffled feathers.
Thursday, May 5th, 2011,
BOWELS OF HELL ─Not exactly true, but definitely not a lie, the belief in an afterlife "full of virgins" has unexpectedly left Osama bin Laden eternally reunited with members of his high school and college debate teams, according to the terrorist leader's tortured soul Wednesday.
Reporting from his new home in the agonizing netherworld of Hades, the Al-Qaeda founder and mastermind of the 9/11 terror attacks expressed great disappointment after discovering the seventy-two "virgins" he believed he would inherit upon dying for Allah are actually Nasira, Huzma, Faisal, Mohammad, and dozens of others from his high school and college debate teams. Such a revelation has plunged the world's most notorious jihadist into an incomprehensible state of shock, nausea and depression, according to bin Laden's spirit Wednesday.
by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011,
Detroit, MI —Budget woes and a limping economic recovery have caused the city of Detroit to finally do the unthinkable. After weeks of heated debate, city officials said Monday that beginning next month Detroit will be canceling at least half its murders.
Such an announcement has left both the city's homicidal and non-homicidal residents in shock and despair, as the recent murder-capital of the United States prepares to spend the rest of 2011 experiencing only 175 murders instead of the 350 the small but deadly city has come to expect annually.
Tuesday, April 19th, 2011,
(NEW YORK) —Following at least 100 years of unrequited military and financial aid that has kept the miserable excuse that is humanity in existence, the people of planet Earth, via the United Nations, finally told the United States Monday their truest thoughts and desires of the world's lone superpower.
Citing the noticeably weak role of the U.S. in the current military actions in Libya, the United Nation's Security Council issued a statement Monday blasting America for not taking the lead in the anti-Gadhafi rebellion...so it could in return be hated and despised even more for having done so.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011,
WASHINGTON -The Obama administration is leaving no humanitarian crisis go to waste, after the Pentagon announced Monday it will be sending over 500 tons of concern to the Ivory Coast.
After months of intense civil war which has left thousands dead, raped, and ravaged throughout the West African nation, the massive shipment of concern and other anxiety-related emotions comes as a great relief to its remaining traumatized residents.