by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor
Friday, October 21st, 2011,
(NEW YORK) —If there was ever any doubt as to the callousness of New York City police officers, that doubt was laid to rest Fridayafter cops arrested 22-year-old Alana Costavos outside Wuccotti Park in Manhattan.
Although still unconfirmed, Costavos’ arrest would deal a devastating blow to the “Occupy Wall Street" movement, as Costavos was the only attractive/cute/hot/F–able/non-Garofaloesque chick demonstrator the group had, according to sources.
Despite attempts by protestors to stop the arrest, resulting in a brief scuffle with police, Costavos was taken into custody after refusing to move for a city street cleaning crew on Liberty Street around 12:30 PM Friday.
“Alana was a real gem, a true believer, a fighter…and the only damn cute chick we had!” said Brian Greenwald, an Occupy Wall Street organizer Friday. Greenwald, along with fellow male protestors, said they had been putting the moves on Costavos for three weeks, bedazzling her with their opinions on Marx, Engels, Bukharin, Chomsky, Ward Churchill, and showing off their various Che Guevara tattoos. However all their efforts are now moot, say many in the group, after the NYPD’s arrest of 22-year-old Alana, who is indeed really f***ing cute, according to sources.
As of 3:00 PM Friday, New York City police did not admit to arresting the one and only cute chick among the “Occupy Wall Street,” (or Toronto, or San Fran…or Who Cares We’re Young and Smelly and Life Is Unfair Blah Blah Blah demonstrators), however did issue a formal statement admitting to taking “a remarkably hot chick,” into custody.
“We have taken a certain individual, Alana Costavos, of Providence, Rhode Island, into custody as of 12:30 PM today,” read the NYPD’s statement. “We do not know at this point if Alana is indeed the only cute chick among the demonstrators, but she is pretty damn cute. In fact, she is hot as fuck. That has been confirmed.”
To fellow demonstrator Jason McDurmon, Costavos’ arrest is the most demoralizing thing to strike the “Occupy Wall Street” movement since thousands of inebriated loafers and odiferous neo-communists disguised as concerned citizens descended upon lower Manhattan, calling themselves the “Occupy Wall Street” movement. Said McDurmon, 24, to Duh Progressive, “Those bastards will probably not hold (Costavos) that long, but so what? The damage is done. She was the only cute chick I’ve seen here since this started. She was quiet but very passionate about the cause, like me, if I knew what it was. And (she) had these big green eyes and these plump lips and that little nose…Shit, she was cute!”
Added McDurmon, “There’s nothing left for me to do, I guess, accept take a great big dump on this police cruiser.”
According to fellow protestors, Alana Costavos said she was the granddaughter of Greek immigrants and a nursing student, and very active in left-leaning politics since her early teens (yes, we know “cute chick” and “Greek” don’t belong in the same article, but just pretend for Christ’s sake!). No doubt the now month-long “Occupy” movement was the longest and largest she had been part of since her activism began years ago. And although many tears have been shed from male protestors on Wall Street, fellow female demonstrators (who are heterosexual, which leaves about four) are less than distraught about the removal of the movement’s allegedly only attractive woman.
“The cops arrested this cute Alana chick, right?” asked protestor and Albany native Bridget Warrington to Duh Progressive Friday. “Those damn pigs should be asha…wait, are you saying I have a chance now?”
Even more indignant was celebrity activist Janeane Garofalo, who has made routine visits and rousing speeches to the Wall Street gatherers. While the arrest of any protestor should be cause for concern, according to Garofalo Friday, the arrest of the now famously cute Costavos did take pressure off the movement’s other females. “I’m not alone when I say this, but it’s a huge relief to know this hot chick is not around to distract us from our mission anymore,” Garofalo told the AP Friday afternoon. Garofalo, now on her seventh visit with the demonstrators —because she is just so busy with her acting and comedy career after years covering herself with tattoos and shoving botox and collagen in her face— added that the removal of attractive women is akin to hitting “reset” on the movement’s goals and originality.
“This is an authentic, egalitarian movement,” Garofalo said. “It is important that we have the least amount of distractions among us. It rejuvenates many other women here and renews us, gives us that genuine Haight-Ashbury feel.”
“Also, and this is the most crucial thing to remember,” Garofalo added to reporters, “do you all know any talent agents? Have any of their cards on you by any chance?”