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Nation’s Morons Begin Annual Recovery From Fireworks Accidents

by Joel Leggnut, DP staff,

Thursday, July 5th, 2012,

(EVANSVILLE, IN)  The nation’s poor, ignorant, and drunken citizens celebrated the America’s 236th birthday (and Darwinism) in their accustomed fashion Wednesday: by maiming, and in some cases killing themselves and others via careless fireworks accidents.

    The blowing off of fingers, hands, limbs, skin, eyes, and faces by indigent, trashy Americans of all ethnicities have become a Fourth of July tradition, nearly as old as the country itself.  And this year proved no exception.

    Grunting in agony as he and his friends searched his backyard, an intoxicated Donny Ray Johnson, 24, of Evansville, Indiana, commented to reporters Wednesday, “G...God Bless America! –aughhh!  …Nothing says ‘Happy Birthday, America’ like searching for my thumb in this field!”

   Johnson and his friends found what was left of his right thumb following Johnson's attempt to impress his girlfriend by tying the wicks of three M80s (mini sticks of dynamite) together and seeing if they would detonate simultaneously.  Johnson’s friends attempted to rush him to a nearby hospital, but were instead pulled over and arrested for drunk driving, leaving 24-year-old Arby’s restaurant manager to have to be transported to the hospital via ambulance. 

   Johnson remained surprisingly upbeat as doctors tried to reattach his thumb Wednesday night.  “It’s like, shit man, things coulda’ been a lot more worser.  Those M80s coulda’ gone off in my face, blowed out all my six teeth or somethin’!”

   Cincinnati brothers DeLaquante and Obsequious Jenkins, both 21 years old, recounted the night's events early Thursday morning as they lay next to each other in one of Cincinnati’s Good Samaritan Hospital’s emergency rooms, both suffering from lacerations and burns to their remaining fingers, chests, and faces after the entire rolled-up bag of Roman candles (the ones that explicitly say “Do Not Light While In Package. Separate And Light Candles Individually”) exploded as they lit them in their package…but only after dousing the roll with lighter fluid to “make sure they’d all go off at once.


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   “It seemed like a good idea at the time!” said a still smoldering Obsequious to hospital staff.   “Lighter fluid, rolled up fireworks, a few bottles of Steel Reserve, some weed, and fire… We was, like, never expectin’ to end up here and shit.”   


Pride and Gunpowder: An American Tradition Under Fire

   Just as emergency rooms filled with the country’s inebriated, uneducated indigents throughout Wednesday evening and Thursday morning, so did renewed calls for bans on fireworks from state and federal lawmakers.

   U.S. Senator Ben Cardin (D-MD), took to the air Thursday to protest the latest in what the staunchly progressive Senator called “a yearly cycle of tragedy.”

   “Every time this year people who are too stupid to follow simple instructions on easily operable explosives —or anything else that can easily bring harm or death to themselves— flood our hospitals and bring serious injury or death to themselves!” said Cardin on ABC’s Good Morning America, “Which is why we need to push not just for tougher state restrictions on fireworks, but a national ban on (fireworks) altogether.”

   “This is a yearly holocaust –yes, I said ‘holocaust;’ a holocaust of our nation's uneducated and dumb people —and their appendages— who are unable to safely conduct themselves,” declared an angry Sen. Cardin.    “Accidents with fireworks are a mini holocaust of their own.  How much longer must we excuse this 'mini-caust' as part of patriotism and national celebration?  It has to stop!”


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   To Cardin and other federal lawmakers, the need for such a federal ban is as simple as Donny Ray Johnson's missing thumb.   Said Congresswoman Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY) on New York’s WABC radio Thursday, “People who are too helpless or ignorant to understand the dangers of such ‘celebratory’ devices need to be saved from them, and need to be saved by us.    How else can we ensure they live on to breed and create more people who are too stupid to take care of themselves?”

   Even if Cardin and McCarthy’s dreams of a national ban on fireworks is realized, it will bring little consolation for people already injured this year and years past in fireworks accidents.

   “If they'd banned them already my babies wouldn’t be here now!” said a sobbing Mrs. Jenkins, mother of DeLaquante and Obsequious, in the hospital waiting room Thursday morning.  “They say my babies’ hands will have to remain bandaged up for months; skin grafts, prophylactic fingers… It’s horrible!  How will they be able to vote for Obama in November with no hands?!”


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