by Joel Legnutt, DP staff,
Thursday, March 28th, 2013,
(NEW YORK) —“Personally, if I had it my way I would ban them all,” stated a stern-faced Michael Bloomberg to reporters Thursday morning.
But New York’s Mayor is not talking about soft drinks this time. He is not talking about salt shakers, guns, cigarettes or headphones. No, this time Mayor Michael “The Ban Man” Bloomberg is speaking of Easter eggs. Yes, Easter eggs and the famed 400-year-old hare that delivers them, the Easter Bunny.
The New York City mayor signed an executive order Thursday forbidding the bouncing, buck-toothed icon of Easter from leaving the city’s children with plastic Easter eggs no longer or wider than one inch, thereby reducing with amount of candy that can be stored in them. The Easter Bunny once left real chicken eggs for Christian children to enjoy Easter morning, but over the years has opted more for hollow, plastic eggs that can be filled with sugary candies, such as Snickers bars, Hershey Kisses, M&Ms, Tootsie Rolls, and countless other unhealthy snacks Mayor Bloomberg says New Yorkers “just don’t need.”
Said the mayor in front of now hollowed-eyed reporters covering the latest intrusion Bloomberg is making into New Yorker’s lives, “I know this may not be easy to hear, but the amount of candy the Easter Bunny has been leaving our children has been out of control for years and has to be curtailed,” Bloomberg said, citing statistics from the National Institute of Health and other studies pointing to a rise in child obesity, along with heart attacks and strokes in adults in the days following Easter Sunday.
“This is what our children need instead of the four, five, and sometimes even eight-inch eggs left for them,” Bloomberg said, holding up a pink one-inch plastic Easter egg big enough to hold only two or three M&Ms. “This is the amount of candy a New York child should be eating on a daily basis, at most, whether it’s Easter or not. …So this is why I am informing the Easter Bunny today that he will not be allowed to leave in our city any Easter egg bigger than one inch. A one inch long Easter egg, no more. You hear me, Easter Bunny..?”
Bloomberg warned that if the Easter Bunny was caught leaving eggs larger than one inch in the doorways and backyards of New Yorkers he would be arrested and fine $1,000 per infraction (egg).
“This is about how healthy we want our children to be, even on religious holidays,” continued Bloomberg. “And huge amounts of candy have become associated with certain holidays. Do we want our kids to grow fat and diabetic because they equated enormous amounts of candy with a particular holiday or icon? I think not, and I doubt most New Yorkers would disagree with me.”
However many New Yorkers surveyed immediately after the Mayor’s Easter egg restriction voiced opposition to his decree, saying it was too intrusive and would hamper the Easter Bunny’s deliveries to others. Said Father Mario Ortega, Pastor of Manhattan’s Church of St. Paul the Apostle after hearing of Bloomberg’s egg ban, “We agree that New York’s children need to eat healthier, but is invading Christianity’s most holy day of the year and the furry quasi-saint who delivers us sweets really the way to do it?”
Added Ortega, “…In essence, isn’t Mayor Bloomberg just again being an absolute maniacal, sadistic, tyrannical bastard who’s trying to make up for his own ‘shortcomings’? …I mean, really, speaking of ‘one inches’ —what a dick this man is! I know I’m a man of the cloth and shouldn’t speak this way. But really, someone has to say it: is there no end to (Bloomberg’s) self-projection of his own shriveled manhood upon the rest of us? What an asshole!”
Resistance to Egg Ban Dismissed by City’s Government
An ABC-Gallup poll taken an hour after Bloomberg’s “big egg ban” announcement found that 24 out of New York’s 33 remaining Christians felt the restriction was too intrusive, if not an out-right assault on how much candy their children should be able to eat on any day, let alone religious holidays.
“This just shows how far the citizens of America’s most progressive city still have to progress themselves” said Maria del Carmen Arroyo, Chair of New York’s Health Committee. “It seems no matter how much we go out of our way to help people live better, even if that means potentially jailing the Easter Bunny, there will always be people of retrograde thinking who don’t understand, or are ungrateful and are counterproductive.”
Arroyo continued, “Every year kids wake up to numerous plastic eggs filled with candies of all sorts –in effect: death in the waiting. The Easter Bunny has poisoned our children for decades, and this year Mayor Bloomberg has finally said ‘Enough is enough’!”
“The Easter Bunny has become equated with candy and sugar and people choosing to eat and live how they want,” Arroyo said, “and that has to stop. And if the Bunny didn’t indirectly promote Christianity with the candy he leaves we wouldn’t be... Wait, did I just say that..? …Oh shit.”
As for the target of Mayor Bloomberg’s ban on “oversized eggs,” the usually reclusive Easter Bunny came out of hiding Thursday afternoon for a rare pre-Easter press conference. Traveling all the way to New York from his undisclosed home in New Hampshire (taxes reasons), the Easter Bunny told reporters just blocks from City Hall he had mixed feelings about the Mayor’s restrictions on the size of the eggs he could leave. Said a dejected-looking Easter Bunny in his typical high, squeaky voice, “Oh, golly, Mr. Bloomberg has made my job in New York so much harder this year. Oh, gee whiz!”
Although the famous Easter icon did applaud Bloomberg for looking out for New Yorkers’ health so much, and even expressed sympathy for him. “This poor mayor, oh golly!” said the Easter Bunny. “He’s always so worried about others. He’s worried about what they drink, worried about what they smoke, what they eat, how much of what they eat, what they eat it in, what they listen to. Ahh, golly-gee, the poor guy! That’s why this year I will be leaving Mayor Bloomberg my most special Easter egg of all! Hoo-hoo! Inside the egg there’s a magical power that makes people like poor Mr. Bloomberg stop worrying so much. It’s a special Easter egg just for him, so no one should be within 500 yards of him when he opens it, okay? And don’t forget, Mr. Bloomberg, to get your magic Easter egg to open you’ll need to pull its pin. And pull it hard! Hee hee!”
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