by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief,
Monday, March 31st, 2014,
(PHILADELPHIA) —Critics of the Cable News Network (CNN) have been blasting it recently for floating rather reaching —if not impossible— theories on what happened to missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. And as of Monday, CNN perhaps handed those critics their best piece of ammunition yet in how they are covering the mystery and search for MH370.
During Monday’s broadcast of CNN Newsroom with anchor Brooke Baldwin, the network decided there was no one more suitable at this point to bring on to lend her expertise and deep insights into the MH370 saga other than six-year-old (yes, as in “6”) Cindy Sherlock, a blossoming detective specializing in “all things disappearing”, according to the adorable first grader from Schaeffer Elementary School in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Sending a six-year-old to their Philadelphia studio to theorize about something as serious as a disappearing Bowing 777 and its 239 passengers may seem too loony for CNN, but Baldwin’s interview with Sherlock was no joke. For in an age of instant, 24-hour news coverage and where anyone with access to social media can publically profess to be an “expert” on anything, a first grader with an unusual knack for finding everything from her daddy’s lost reading glasses to her teacher’s stapler, best friend’s iPhone, mommy’s checkbook, where her younger brother is hiding in shame with a poopy diaper, to her grandpappy’s “no-no magazines” he keeps under his bed, Cindy Sherlock not only bore the appropriate surname but resume to be able to earn her spot on CNN Monday afternoon.
For ten spectacularly bizarre minutes Baldwin interviewed the child, who believes several things could have happened to the ill-fated Malaysian airplane, the most likely being what Sherlock called the “million foot shark” theory.
“I…I think that a shark a million feet long jumped out of the water and ate the…the…the pwane,” said Sherlock, her six-year-old tongue still not able to negotiate words beginning with a consonant followed by the letter “r”. “A gweat big shark jumped out…out of the water and…and gobbled up the pwane…gobbled it all up!”
“My goodness, that’s incredible! What else do you think might have happened to the plane, Cindy?” further inquired a noticeably embarrassed —if not mortified— Brooke Baldwin while contemplating how ridiculous her network had sunk in whom it had allowed to comment as an "expert" on such heavy topics like MH370, as well as her career, state in life, the clownish, reeking abyss of bullshit supposedly credible news media had sunk to in order to garnish ratings in 2014’s America, and futility of all things up to and including her very existence.
Sherlock went on to also discuss ideas on how and why Flight 370 went missing, including “angry Martians with snakes in their noses”, “a volcano that shot the pwane out of the sky”, “big brown, hairy ‘pwane monsters’” (a.k.a. Muslims), to the “pilots having to go pee-pee” so badly they had to land in the ocean to “make water”... Astonishing new insights, to say the least.
Million-Foot-Long Sharks: Air Travel’s Deadly New Menace?
Cindy Sherlock, who is obviously very imaginative and articulate, first made waves when she “miraculously” found her father’s missing reading glasses, which he had been searching all day in January until Cindy conveyed to him that he had raised his glasses above his forehead and had still been wearing them ever since breakfast. Robert and Cynthia Sherlock, Cindy’s parents, promptly informed their daughter that she must be naturally gifted in solving mysteries, especially since she shared the name of the most famous fictional detective in history, Sherlock Holmes. After that, say the Sherlocks, Cindy embarked on finding anything remote or missing in their house, and detailing her theories of how they came to be where she found them, eventually carrying her astonishing detective skills to her school as well. Consequently Mrs. Sherlock e-mailed CNN last week, detailing her daughter’s uncanny ability to not only locate but to solve the mystery behind missing items. To Sherlock’s surprise the Cable NewsNetwork leapt at the chance to add yet another “expert” its growing list of guests it and its rivals have called upon to give opinions on what happened to the presumably downed MH370.
“It’s just so cool to have a child with the last name ‘Sherlock’ that’s able to find and solve so many mysteries. (Cindy) is definitely gifted and we hope she can help in finding the missing plane and the reason for why it disappeared,” said Mrs. Sherlock, Monday.
“Cindy Sherlock has been documented to show a stunning gift for finding lost objects and the explanations behind their disappearance,” stated CNN Newsroom’s producer, Michael Boyle, in a press release Monday evening. “To have Cindy lend her striking abilities in detection and motives to such a mystifying, tragic story is an honor and a pleasure CNN could not dismiss. The fact that she is only 6 years old adds even more to her credit; for who can say that a 6-year-old girl who has solved so many mysteries so far in her life cannot help us solve this sad story of Flight 370? Ms. Sherlock meets and surpasses CNN’s strictest guidelines for what qualifies for sound, reliable input on such important matters such as missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.”
Boyle added that Cindy’s interview was so powerful and perceptive that she may be hired as a part–time analyst for stories that have any air of mystery to them, such as missing persons, unsolved murders, political scandals, climate change, UFO sightings, etc.
Not everyone is as thrilled to see a six-year-old “detective” taken as a respectable commentator on national television as CNN’s producers. Said talk show host and longtime media critic Michael Medved on his radio show Monday afternoon, “This (Cindy’s interview) defies all logic and words. I don’t know what to say. …A million-foot shark eating planes? That’s a 190-mile-long animal! There’s never been a creature that large, not even Michael Moore! And this is what is now passing as serious news and news analysis! This is an atrocity against journalism!”
Even more incensed at Cindy Sherlock’s appearance was fellow CNN anchor Don Lemon, whose now famous March 19th discussion on of the possibility that “black holes” may have swallowed MH370 made CNN the laughing stock of the nation for days and fodder for late night comics. Anonymous sources within the network’s Atlanta headquarters told Duh Progressive that Lemon flew into a rage after learning a child detective had been interviewed by Brooke Baldwin. “G—damn it, that was my interview! My f---ing interview!” Lemon reportedly screamed to producers. “I’m the one who interviews the least qualified people and discusses the most ridiculous things! That’s MY JOB! If you want to further sully journalism in America, you give the interview to me! ME!”
Lemon reportedly threatened to quit CNN, but was stopped by the promise to be the next in line to interview Cindy Sherlock if she returns. And apparently she will, according to producer Michael Boyle. Cindy’s next topics for discussion: who will win the Democrat and Republican nominations for 2016, is there life after death, and do million-foot-long sharks go to Heaven, too.
UPDATE, 8:50 PM, EST: CNN news anchor Brooke Baldwin formally resigned from CNN Monday evening, the Duh Progressive is reporting. “Can’t longer stand what has become of network & employers I respected & loved,” Baldwin stated on her Twitter account @BrookeBCNN. “Leaving @CNN 2 work as ‘dancer’ @ Captain Jiggles Gentlemen’s Club. More honest, no bullshit, be less sleazy there than w/ TV news. G'bye!”