by Diana Jameson, DP Staff
Thursday, November 27, 2014,
(KHUSHAM, SYRIA) —The annual "presidential turkey pardon" is supposedly dated back to Harry S. Truman in 1947, and has continued since as a quirky, comical gesture of holiday cheer and goodwill on behalf of America's Commander-in-Chief. However, this Thanksgiving has been marred by a scandal only to add to the Obama administration's growing list of blemishes.
The New York Times has learned that the last turkey President Obama pardoned, on November 27, 2013, named "Popcorn", has since escaped to Syria and is reportedly fighting alongside the bloody ranks of ISIS (Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) near the city of Khusham! Such a shocking development is not only another blemish on an administration ripe with "transparent" scandals and low poll numbers but also poses a danger to the stability of Syria and Iraq, as "Popcorn" brings with him an abundance of secret White House "intel" to the marauding terrorist army, the lives and deaths of fellow Thanksgiving turkeys who are not so lucky to be pardoned by U.S. presidents, not to mention a great morale boost to ISIS troops who have suffered some setbacks in recent weeks thanks to U.S. airstrikes and advances by Kurdish and Iraqi forces.
According to The Times, "Popcorn" escaped from the usual refinement most of the presidents' pardoned turkeys are sent to, George Washington's Mount Vernon estate, sometime in early February. "Popcorn", the fluffy, cute, and certainly seemingly harmless gobbler boarded a flight later that month from Reagan National Airport, presenting forged documents that passed him off as a top Obama administration official, thereby, as a literal turkey, proceeded without question on to a British airliner bound for Istanbul.
"I never bothered to question him, not even for a minute. I'm sorry," said British Airways employee Dana Smith, who was working behind the check-in booth on the day Popcorn allegedly flew to Istanbul, Turkey. "(Popcorn) presented documents stating he was the 'Deputy Secretary of Administrative Duties to the White House Press−whatever'. I didn't know. I naturally assumed that being a literal turkey that he was part of the Obama administration, so I let him pass. ...I'm so sorry!"
With the announced resignation of Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel looming over the White House, the revelation that "Popcorn" has joined ISIS will no doubt add to the administration's woes, as anonymous sources within the White House claim that the "final straw" for Hagel was his adamant objection to allow President Obama to pardon "Popcorn", as the white-feathered fowl had contacts with previous turkeys pardoned by President Obama that have al-Qaeda ties and that had scurried off after their pardoning to join the Taliban in Afghanistan, namely the infamous "Mr. Gobbles", whose whereabouts have been unknown since Duh Progressive first broke the story of his questionable pardoning on November 23, 2011.
Duh Progressive's crack reporters' requests to ask out-going Secretary Hagel on the matter of "Popcorn" and his ties to other radical Islamist turkey birds (formally pardoned by Obama or not) were denied. However Hagel's office released a formal statement on the matter:
" 'Popcorn' " was and is an acute sticking point for the Department of Defense. With Charles Hagel now resigning, it is no longer prudent or necessary to withhold clear evidence that 2013's turkey pardoned by President Obama (aka "Popcorn") had ties to other feathered Muslim extremists, thus should have never been pardoned by President Obama last year. There was clear evidence of 'Popcorn's' relations and sympathies with jihadist turkey groups months prior to President Obama's pardoning of him...or "it". The White House was told of this by Defense Secretary Hagel, yet 'Popcorn' was pardoned anyway. The pardoning of such a notoriously radical, violent turkey is a dereliction of duty on the part of the Commander-in-Chief, if not out-right willfulness, and brings into question the competency of White House security advisors."
Regardless of how the now-has-nothing-to-lose-so-what-the-hell Chuck Hagel and his office has to say about the pardoning of "Popcorn", the leader if ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, also issued a statement from his secret hideout praising the turkey for escaping captivity from "the Great Satan" and welcoming it into his ranks of rampaging, genocidal religious zealots. Al-Baghdadi said that although "Popcorn" is indeed a bird, and possesses an I.Q. of about 14, it puts him at the top of the ranks of more than most of ISIS fighters, and also placed him along the ranks of other turkeys who have managed to escape, as al-Baghdadi calls it, "the intentional extermination of the most humble creatures of Allah."
"THANKLESS" TURKEYS TURNED JIHADISTS: Nothing New Under Obama!
Nowhere in the "modern Western" world is there the practice of enslaving, harvesting, breeding, growing, and then eventually exterminating nearly mindless, fluttering creatures as there is in America around Thanksgiving, claims Kathy Guillermo, Senior Vice President of Laboratory Investigations for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).
Completely ignoring the mid-term election results this November, Guillermo said that last year's pardoned turkey, "Popcorn", indeed has every right to be angry, and perhaps his turning to radical Islam (ISIS!) may be a "healthy and relieving way" for him to take justified vengeance on a country that murders millions of his gobbling brothers and sisters every year as part of celebration of family, national history, friendships and to give thanks for all humanoids (Democrats included) that at least have something to be thankful for.
Said Ms. Guillermo to reporters Wednesday, "This 'holocaust' that we call a 'celebration', or 'Thanksgiving' is no more a celebration as it is an excuse for wholesale slaughter! It's been going on for over two-hundred years, and frankly, I do not blame this poor turkey (President Obama) pardoned one bit for doing what he thought was best in joining the archenemy of the nation that has killed more of his kind than any other. I think even Hitler would be appalled by the genocide that takes place every Fall among turkeys in America. No wonder this 'Popcorn' turned to radical Islam and joined ISIS. My God, 'Popcorn's' plight makes me almost want to join a band of an insane Sunni radical nihilistic army, you know....minus that whole 'I'm-a-woman-sex-slavery-subhuman-rape-thing' they have going on over there. ....But hey, besides from that , go 'Popcorn'!"
UPDATE: 2013's presidential pardoned turkey, "Popcorn", was discovered to be a female turkey two days ago, shaming herself and the growing army of ISIS turkeys now fighting within its ranks. Popcorn, according to The New York Times, was subsequently forced to chose between poultry female circumcision or "atoning" for lying about her gender via "self-detonating" as close as she could to a "soft target", as ISIS defines it. "Popcorn" has reportedly finally "popped" for the last time, taking out an initially reported eight Syrian Army guards with her next the police barracks in Damascus. So long, Popcorn, and your final "pop". ...You would have tasted great, no doubt.