by Jack Lakeman, DP Editor-in-Chief
Thursday, May 28, 2015,
(WASHINGTON) —Fleeing with his family and some Secret Service agents in the morning to an undisclosed location far outside of the nation’s capital, President Obama announced to America and the world Thursday morning that he still believes that the terrorist group ISIS (Islamic State of Iraq and Syria) are still just a “JV team” and are “not a serious threat” to the U.S., even though ISIS troops by the thousands stormed Washington D.C. overnight, overrunning the White House and a large swath of the city.
The now exiled President Obama said that much as how the British sailed up the Potomac to attack the capital in 1814, Islamic State fighters, estimated to be at least 4,000 strong and extremely well-armed, secretly sailed across the Atlantic ocean in mid-May, then up the Potomac early Thursday morning, storming up the city to seize control of many government buildings, killing police and security personnel in their blitzkrieg−like assault, and finally overrunning the White House.
In an emergency broadcast to the nation, the President reassured the American people that his government had the situation under control, even though most reports place over one-third of Washington D.C. ablaze and intense fighting occurring between ISIS forces and the police and U.S. military in three of the city’s four quadrants.
“I understand that times like these may leave some folks feeling a little down in the dumps,” stated a nonchalant Obama from a secret bunker. “But let me be clear: these ISIS folks who are overrunning our nation’s capital ain’t nothing butta thang! This is amateur hour here. It’s just a passing setback that we’ll overcome in our campaign to roll back the gains of ISIL. I know Washington is being bombed to smithereens right now and is on fire, but, uhh, that’s why God invented fire trucks.”
Added Obama, “These scenes you’re seeing of our nation’s capital burning and people fleeing may initially be dismaying, but trust me, this is a minor incident that will all be forgotten in no time. ISIL is still just a ‘JV team’. Really. You might as well be watching a rerun of Romper Room right now.”
Although intelligence sources alerted President Obama to the ISIS invasion of the U.S. capital, giving the President ample time to gather his family and flee to safety, many other White House staff were not told of the infamously bloody Islamist army marching up the capital and down Pennsylvania Avenue, and had no time to escape to safety. Among such staffers are, well, everyone, including White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, who under gunpoint and surrounded by smiling, jubilant ISIS fighters held his first post-ISIS-occupation press briefing to White House reporters Thursday morning.
Earnest appeared relatively calm while surrounded by the bloodthirsty terrorist group. In fact, more than just calm, Earnest still toed the administration line of ISIS being “over-estimated” and just slightly short of a mere nuisance in the Middle East and not a force to be taken seriously or worthy of intense military action by anyone other than the Iraqi military.
It was indeed such proclamations by Press Secretary Earnest that prompted Politico reporter Michael Allen to interrupt Earnest, saying, “Mr. Earnest, with all due respect, how can you stand there while Washington is under attack, with battles with ISIS militants are taking place across the city, people dying, ISIS flags being raised on roof tops, and YOU and us are surrounded by ISIS fighters right now?! How can you claim such a thing, sir?!”
A perturbed Earnest responded, “Look, Mike, I know that the current ISIS invasion of the capital, the President in hiding, and me and the rest of us being held hostage right now may not look good. But just like Mr. Obama said, ‘These guys are just JV’ and pose no serious threat to the Unites Sta....”
“JOSH, PLEASE, JESUS CHR..! Look around you! Look at the men behind you with machine guns and grenade launchers! Listen to the gunshots and fighting outside! Look at that dead Secret Service guy over in the corner, the bodies in the streets! Most of us just live blocks from here! ...Josh, really, is this whole f**king administration tripping balls on acid?!” erupted Allen in disbelief, prompting one of the ISIS troops behind Earnest to bark at Allen in English, “Don’t talk to our new friend, the Honorable Joshua Earnest —peace be upon him— that way!”
“Anyway, as I was saying,” continued Earnest, “are we going to light our hair on fire every time some small band of ISIL fighters invade the United States capital, occupy the White House and other buildings, murder most of our staff, and rape and pillage the city? This whole thing going on now is just a minor setback, and this administration is not going to lose its head over it.”
Earnest quickly turned to the ISIS fighters behind him, “I meant that ‘losing heads’ comment figuratively, just to let you all know, okay?”
Said Fox News’ Ed Henry, “Josh, the President and you all are aware that this is the first time ever that U.S. soil —the capital, no less— has been invaded by an army of the bloodiest, most radical Islamic group in recorded history? Please, will...can you just admit the unprecedented level of this crisis?”
Replied Earnest, “Ed...Ed, what’s up with your fixation on these details? This is just a setback in our war on ISIL. It’s just a minor inconvenience in what none of us have ever said was going to be a short campaign. And why the ‘crisis’ word? Huh... There’s no crisis here.”
Shortly after Earnest’s claim of ISIS fighters rampaging through Washington with tanks, artillery, anti-aircraft guns and butchering their way throughout various government buildings was not a crisis, the U.S. Capitol shook as it exploded in a fiery blaze that could be felt as far away as Baltimore (thus sparking more riots). But with most of U.S. Congress members having also fled to their secret locations as part of C.O.G. (Continuation of Government), ISIS’s destruction of the Capitol was largely symbolic.
From his own secret hideout in northern Syria, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi issued a statement praising what he called the first of many such invasions and Pearl Harbor-style military attacks on the United States, targeting civilians and U.S. military alike, although did express disappointment at the nearly inevitable prospect that this current invasion force was on a suicide mission and could only carry out their reign of terror for so long.
From his current military headquarters in the bombed-out Hard Rock Cafe in D.C.’s Gallery Place/Chinatown area, “ISIS Expeditionary and Raid Force” commander Ni’ma Abd Nayef al-Jabouri, expressed the same sentiments as his leader, admitting that no one involved in ISIS’s audacious invasion expected to return home alive.
Said Colonel al-Jabouri to ISIS reporters who hastily posted his interview online, “It is amazing what you can achieve when you’re just a small, disenchanted, disorganized and unmotivated ‘JV’ team. And I am so proud of my ‘JV’ comrades for causing such a ‘minor setback’. None of us expects to make it home, but we have struck a blow against the Satanic infidels and won a great victory for Allah, and we will fight on, pushing north, north, all the way into Baltimore! ...Actually, screw that —none of us are that crazy to go into Baltimore!”
“We will fight and we will kill and destroy as much of the government system in America as possible!” continued al-Jabouri. “This ‘setback’ we’re inflicting will tear apart the function of the America’s government for years! We’re going to burn and blow up and destroy as much as we can, except of course for The Old Ebbitt Grille. I heard Duh Progressive loves to hang out there and write. Allahu Akbar!”