I’m sorry, America. I'm sorry, fiscal future of the United States. Sorry, future generations of Americans. So sorry, Republican Party. And finally, my (begrudging) sympathies to Mitt Romney. I’m so sorry, sir.
See, Mr. Romney, you could have been a real contender. You could have won the presidential election with considerable ease, laying to waste four years of crippling, detrimental collectivist policies of Barack Obama. You could have won it all, Mitt Romney, had you not chosen Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan as your vice presidential running mate.
Sure, Carla Martinez may not have worked in Congress since she was 22 years old, or has been a member of Congress for the last 14 years, and has been on the House Budget Committee since 2009, or has immersed herself in national budgetary matters for the last decade. Carla Martinez may not have intricate knowledge of how federal funds are allocated, spent (and wasted) by the federal government’s countless branches, agencies, or has bold ideas on how to keep the country from falling off the fiscal abyss. But Carla Martinez had attributes Paul Ryan doesn’t, Mr. Romney, nor ever will. They are attributes essential for winning any national election in today’s America.
For starters, Carla is a woman (hence garnishing more of the vagina vote from Obama). She was a lesbian, too (garnishing more of the vagina-loving-vagina vote and other members of the LGBT community from Obama). Carla is 40 years old (attractive to younger voters), is also a midget, standing only 4-foot-1, has a fake glass eye, is a recovered gambling addict, has a gay lover with Alzheimer’s Disease who incessantly asks where her car is she sold in 1980 (senior vote), is Black with Hispanic roots, with immigrant parents from Barbados, speaks Spanish fluently (minority vote), can trace her ancestry back to slaves brought from Angola, is a practicing Wiccan, and suffers from a raging, incurable case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (again, senior vote).
On top of these glorious, impeccable qualities the media and average voters hold so dear today Mr. Romney, Carla Cynthia Martinez has been the New Orleans Register of Wills for the last four years. It is the only public office she has ever held. Hardly a soul in America outside New Orleans’ District Court has heard of Ms. Martinez –even more of an attribute (al la, Sarah Palin).
In truth, what practical, real life qualifications does Carla Martinez have to possibly be U.S. Commander-in-Chief..? Answer: Jack-Fucking-Squat. But since when has that mattered in 21st Century America, Mr. Romney?
Carla Martinez may not know how local, state, or federal budgets are prepared, or how a bill becomes a law, or who the U.S. House and Senate leaders are, or what a filibuster is, blasé blasé … But damn it, Mitt, Carla is an ethnic minority female with more identities, problems, and disabilities than imaginable. She fits every group the GOP historically lacks, and can hold her own in a debate…be it about which New Orleans District Court judge is secretly gay, or who may win the World Series. Carla Martinez was a heavyweight, Mr. Romney –a true, honest contender Americans of all stripes could have related to. You could be a shoo-in now for the presidency with Carla. But nooooooo…you had to stick with just some regular old boring, white, heterosexual male with both eyes (blue eyes, no less!), of normal height, Christian faith, and who just by pure happenstance is an experienced politician who eats, sleeps, craps, and breathes United States domestic fiscal policy. Why, if one were to catch Paul Ryan in a dark alley with a crack pipe in his mouth, they’d find that pipe stuffed with U.S. budgetary minutia.
You could have chosen a running mate that physically represents all Americans, Mr. Romney. But no, you had to pussy-out and choose one with dreams and plans for improving our economic state and help make the nation more stable and prosperous for all Americans, didn’t you? Really, Mr. Romney, did you ever even stop to consider what Americans really care about in their leaders this day and age? You could have chosen experience over appearance, Mitt. If you don’t believe me just ask the millions of white liberals who would have stayed home on November 4th, 2008 if the Democrat candidate had not had a non-Western name and was (half) black, finally delivering them that euphoric chance to release all that pent-up guilty white angst they had been spoon fed in our nation’s colleges for years (trust me, I was once one myself).
You could have chosen diversity over practicality, socio-demographics over substance, Mr. Romney. But you just had to go with boring ol’ Paul Ryan. You could have chosen Carla Martinez, Mitt, but you settled for banal old expertise, and thus, Election Day suicide. I hope you’re happy, Mitt Romney!