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COMMENTARY: "I Am Not a Terrorist. I Am an 'Emotional Enhancement Specialist'"

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As I told the court on Tuesday when they sentenced me, "We are only Muslims ... but if you call us terrorists, we are proud terrorists and we will keep on terrorizing you.”

Granted I was a bit excited, with having been sentenced to a life behind bars and all, and such statements of mine were more posturing for the media than honest reflections of how I and many of my fellow Islamic freedom fighters wish to be viewed. Perhaps “terrorist” is not the best choice of words I should have used, but then again I am/was only mimicking what Western society calls us anyway, correct?

Personally, I am no “terrorist.” I simply induce a certain chemical reaction in the brains of people that cause them to experience a heightened state of awareness and renewed sense of safety. Now, couple that reaction with religious-political motivations and bingo, you have what I truly am: an “emotional enhancement specialist.” But terrorist?  Please! All I simply do is make people aware of my peoples’ deep concerns over several global geo-political issues by enhancing the emotions of innocent men, women and children here in the United States. Really, stated that way, why should my job be labeled so harshly? C’mon, people, lighten up! Take a chill pill... Image

So just remember that the next time my name is mentioned in the news. “Terrorist” is disingenuous. It’s simply too crass of a term. “Emotional Enhancement Specialist” suits me just fine, thank you.

When you see footage of people fleeing a suicide bombing in Pakistan or London, or while watching footage taken at Ground Zero on 9/11, just see all those people as just suffering from "emotionally enhanced states of existence." No biggie. That is our handiwork, thank you, and we’re quite good at it.  In some cases it even pays us money –good money. But I’d still do it, regardless. Now if you want to throw me in jail for the rest of my life, fine, go ahead, but please respect my title I have gained through years of study on how to train people to be emotionally enhanced at all the right moments.

Maybe one day while in jail I will hear one of us called by our proper name; there will be some reporter on TV saying, “…You may remember Faisal Shahzad, he was the emotional enhancement specialist who planted a bomb in Times Square…”. Or you may hear, “There has been a new statement released by Osama bin Laden, the mastermind behind the 9/11 ‘emotional enhancement experience’ at the World Trade Center…”.

No group of people, except for the Germans, have proved themselves so uniquely qualified at acute emotional enhancement other than my fellow brothers in the jihadist struggle. And if I may say so, it’s time we were given the respect we deserve –I deserve, if only via title. After all, I am in jail permanently now, so why not? Does the United States refer to its soldiers as “terrorists” (at least outside its college campuses and The New York Times)? Hardy –your soldiers are “military personnel,” right?

Well I am an Emotional Enhancement Specialist, and as long as I am condemned to prison, you may just want to look deep within yourselves and decide that I and the rest of us are deserving of that little sign of respect, if only in name.

-Sincerely

Faisal Shahzad,

Emotional Enhancement Specialist, Times Square, NY

 

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