Dear American Swine,
Well, well, well. Seems we have a lot to talk about these days, don’t we? Luckily I was able to get permission from my current boss, Satan, to write this to you. And that’s because just like me, Satan is also giggling hysterically at what I have to say.
Now we all know I wasn’t the most “pleasant” of guys in life. I had my ways, and many people found them abrasive. I had a temper, I flew off the handle sometimes, got a little power-hungry, a little too wrapped up with myself, and I hurt some folks now and again. Also, I… You know what, who the f—k am I kidding? —I was a mass-murdering maniac of the worst sorts! From gassing the Kurds, butchering the Shi’ites, creating a vast secret police and spy network that riddled Iraq with prisons, torture dungeons, and mass graves for anyone who opposed me, even my fellow
My Fellow Americans,
I’m writing to you today about a matter of grave urgency. Forgive me, but for once I am genuinely mad as hell! I mean I am TICKED OFF!
As usual this past Memorial Day was a marked by family gatherings, community picnics, cookouts, and so inevitably an extra concentration on food. And with this concentration came stories in the press about the rising cost of food in America. From fruit, to dairy products, vegetables, and especially beef, throughout all last weekend and ever since I have heard constantly about the “sticker shock” you guys are going to be enduring more and more.
My fellow Americans,
I am what I am now. What else can I say? I’ve been this way longer than I can remember, and can do nothing else but sincerely apologize. But I was not always like this. I, your First Lady’s rear end, was once plump, yet firm; round, yet bouncy; properly proportioned; a perfect specimen of a Black female behind. But those things I am no longer, and have not been for so, so long. And I am here to tell you, America, that I am truly sorry for it.
After seven decades of pondering, agonizing, spending sleepless nights tossing and turning in my flaming bed in Hell over why I lost the war, I now have a definitive answer. It was right under my cropped–moustached nose the entire time. How could I not have seen it all those years ago? Damn it!
Last week your Führer, Barack Obama, and his administration decided via a federal commission that there was “no compelling medical reason” to exclude “trannies” (transsexuals; men with breasts and fancy themselves as women, or women with penises who fancy themselves men, or anyone with cross-gender identification issues) from your military.
Dear President Obama and Congress,
As of 3:22 PM, last Friday, I ceased being an employee of the United Parcel Service.
My mornings used to begin at 4:45 AM. I’d wake up, pour coffee, have my orange juice, bagel and eggs, leave cereal out for my wife and kids, and head in to my job at the United Parcel Service (UPS). I kissed my wife and kids goodbye at 6:00 AM, sometimes as they were waking up for school, or still asleep. Then I drove 15 miles to board a UPS truck that would determine my route in a 30-mile radius for the rest of the morning, beginning at 6:45 AM.