I’m going on welfare. I’ve been looking for a job now for over two years, and I have had it. I’m sayin’ f**k it! Ya hear me, America? And not just f**k looking for a job and keep getting turned down, failing and failing again and again, but f**k the whole system, man! To hell with this whole American capitalist bullshit.
Maybe if I could get hired if I wouldn’t feel this bitter. But I gotta tell you, America, this whole not-being-able-to-find a job shit is really making me doubt your whole “you can make it in America” crap, and the whole “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” shit you feed us from the moment we’re born. So I’m giving up. I’m going on public assistance.
After years of applying; after years of hoping; after years of praying, crying, and worrying I can finally thank God —my kids and me are leaving Belarus and coming to America. America! Halleluiah!
That’s right, my kids and me finally got approved….by the illegal immigrant smuggling network in Minsk to endure the two-week-long nightmarish escape from Belarus, be smuggled through Western Europe, then stuffed into a trailer on a cargo ship to then be (hopefully) ignored by the bribed U.S. Customs agent in New York as me and my five kids slip by and are soon lost among the churning humanity of Brooklyn, then possibly Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore, maybe Washington, who knows.
Weeks ago Duh Progressive ran an article about First Lady Michelle Obama accusing Santa Claus of being one of the main reasonsfor why so many Americans have diabetes and heart disease today. The article, “Santabetes: Michelle Obama Says Santa Claus Promotes Diabetes,” was met with shock and distain among many of our readers, who chastised Mrs. Obama for her criticism of Santa.
Well my friends, this commentator, this brave, cutting-edge journalist, Yours Truly, Nicholas Taxia, proudly agrees with our First Lady, and then some.
My Fellow Americans,
As most of you know there is a particular date approaching that is causing many of us some concern. It is not only troubling Americans, but millions around the world as well.
Several ancient cultures, most notably the Mayans of what is now Mexico's Yucatán Peninsula, have predicted that on December 21st the world will end. Personally, I am rather unsure about such predictions. However, rest assured if the end of the world does come, or begins to occur on December 21, I, your Commander-In-Chief, will be most regretful and disconcerted over it. After all, how will the end of humanity look if it occurs during my presidency?
(caveat: before anyone begins to freak out over the following satirical piece, let it be known this article is based on people, not puppets, Duh Progressive has known who truly hold this view on abortion)
Okay America, I’ve got to level with you here. I’m going to be bold and upfront with you, in a way I, Sesame Street’s Big Bird, has never been before. Because if there’s one thing to know about me, it is this: I hate condoms. I just can’t stand the feel of a condom (more like “lack of feeling,” if you know what I mean). Can’t stand them, I tell you.