"After reading Duh Progressive's poigient political news and commentary, I've decided to run for office."

- Idi Amin, 1970

Romney Accused of Soiling Pants in First Grade!

by Michael Madshack, DP Assistant Editor,

Monday, May 14th, 2012,

(COLUMBUS, OH) —First bullying from a half-century ago, now…soiled pants?

   Trying vigorously to ignore charges he bullied a "suspected" gay classmate in 1965, Mitt Romney's campaign suffered another blow this weekend after two former classmates of Romney's charged that the former Massachusetts governor "pooped his pants" in 1953, when Romney was a first grader in Michigan’s Bloomfield Hills Elementary School.

   Frank P. McCormick, 65, and Thomas Smythe, 66, issued a joint statement Saturday alleging that in November of 1953, when Romney was seven years old, he was playing a game of kickball with the duo on their school's playground when the former governor allegedly "tripped, fell down, then grunted, got back up with the odor of fresh feces in the air and clear brown streaks crawling down the back of his pants."

     "It was clear (Romney) had shat, and shat hard," recalled a clearly frazzled Thomas Smythe to the Associated Press Saturday. "I know the school didn’t always feed us food that was easy on our stomachs, but at least I didn't let my butt explode with such fury in my pants. ...And around other people, too.  Even through those magic Mormon underwear of his, the smell was still devastating.  That's just...that's just not right.  That's pretty (expletive) up, if you ask me."

   Rene Dempsey, 50, whose mother was a nurse at Bloomfield Elementary in 1953, said her mother made a "deathbed confession" to her before her passing in 2007.   According to Dempsey, her mother, Rose, was on duty (and doody) at the time of alleged Romney-soiling incident, treating the seven-year-old for an “acute smattering of dark tan-colored feces in his pants” which “ran all the way down to his left ankle and right calf.”  Dempsey said her mother kept the incident secret until her death due to the trauma it caused her.

   "My mother kept that horrible secret with her all those years; the secret of the day Mitt shit," said Dempsey to reporters outside her Ann Arbor home Sunday.  "She was a shattered woman after that day Mitt Romney came to her with poopy pants.  I mean, who wants to know that a future governor, a mutli-millionaire, a powerful man such as Romney would be capable of doing such a thing?  I can't even wrap my mind around it, and I wasn't even there."  

*** Please Follow 'Duh Progressive' on TWITTER and FACEBOOK...NOW! ***

   Prominent Obama officials and supporters reflexively took to the airwaves throughout the weekend, denouncing Mitt Romney and his 59-year-old poopy pants. Said Obama campaign advisor David Axelrod on NBC’s Meet The Press Sunday, “If this story is true, it casts a very dark light on Romney, a man who apparently lacked the control or decency to excrete himself in private, so not to place anyone else in harm’s way. It’s a testament to his character, as most people would agree that seven years old is too old for someone to be busting BMs in their Buster Browns.”

   “…It leaves us with the inevitable question of what type of leader would a ‘President Romney’ be?” added Axelrod to host David Gregory. “Who wants a president who has a track record of soiling themselves? Do we really want a Commander-In-Chief with poopy pants?   I shudder to think of what America would look like under a president who lacks the courtesy to at least soil himself in private.”


Romney Runs…Counter-Attack

   Unlike its more dismissive reaction to last week’s claims he “bullied a suspected gay” student by cutting his hair in a 1965 prank, the Romney campaign was quick to address the charges he lost control of his bowels in 1953. “My husband would never do such a thing,” said Ann Romney to supporters Sunday. “He had potty training like all children and was in control of his fecals by age three…four at the latest.”

   Mrs. Romney called the 1953 “poopy pants” story a cheap attack by the Obama White House, calling it “an administration which is using its most desperate measures so early in the campaign to deflect voters from the real issues.”  

   According to former George W. Bush advisor Karl Rove, Romney’s wife has a point about Obama’s campaign tactics. Similar to Obama’s open support for gay marriage in an ABC News interview last week, Rove said the story of Romney’s poopy pants and the “degradation” it caused two of his classmates (one of which, Frank McCormick claims he went on to discover he was bi-curious in college –again, more gay bashing by Romney, if true) was a purposeful attempt to deflect voters’ attention away from more vital issues this election season.  

   “…Which leads me to my next point,” Rove said to Duh Progressive Monday. “I remember being in grammar school. I crapped myself when I was not just seven, but nine. …We were playing softball. I was running towards home plate after eating a very big breakfast that morning, and when I slid in to touch the bag, bam! –this big, greasy duker plopped out! It happened to a lot of us when we were little, but what the heck does that have to do with our country’s issues?”

   The former Mass. governor has not commented directly on what some are calling “Poopgate.”   Sources close to the campaign claim that while Romney is outwardly ignoring the growing accusations of his spell of 1953 incontinence, the charges he “generously eliminated” in his pants in front of classmates is causing the former governor a great deal of stress.   The assumed GOP presidential nominee is a man of strict self-control and demeanor, according to Romney campaign manager Matt Roades over the weekend. For a man notorious for prim, well-groomed looks and an even primmer, controlled manner, the current allegations of 1953 pants pooping are wearing on Romney’s resolve more than any accusation or scandal to date.   Roades said that Romney does not recall the first grade poopy pants incident, and only recounts one schoolmate in first grade named “Tommy.”

     “Why are Romney’s dooky-filled Dockers an issue with all that is facing the nation?” said Roades Sunday. “Why are a leader’s pants 60 year ago an issue, when a voter of any age can look at the current deficit, unemployment, and the national debt that has been added under President Obama and shit themselves silly now?! …Seriously, no shit.”

***Please Follow 'Duh Progressive' on TWITTER and FACEBOOK ...NOW***

Recently Published on DuhProgressive.com

  • Title
  • Date
  • Random
  • 1

Newsletter Signup